Local News

9 famous Derry places that refuse to be renamed

Derry wans don’t like change! So much so, that when places here are renamed, we don’t bother our hole paying any heed and keep calling it what we always have! (Even the name of the city causes a bitta bother!). Here are a few of our other favourites… Bradleys Taxis Queue Despite being City Cabs for over a decade,

World News

US drone strike imminent after “Bin laden with explosives” security alert

The west-bank of Derry is due to be decimated in a US drone strike later today after US military intelligence picked up PSNI chatter confirming that a “Bin laden with explosives” was the cause of a major terrorism alert in the city. In an emergency press conference General Lance Boyle told awaiting press, “We thought we’d killed the beardy hoor, but he’s

Politics

Ulster confirmed 37% more British following aggressive Twelfth celebrations

The union between Northern Ireland and Great Britain grew considerably stronger overnight, following 48 hours of peaceful aggressive Britishness by Ulster protestants. London this morning reported that the constitutional agreement between the two landmasses is now miraculously printed on an even thicker 120gsm paper and that the ink looks ‘black as fuck’. Across the province,

Entertainment

Derry drinkers excited as pub reopens for 17th time under new name

Excitement spread through Derry like wildfire today after it was announced that a pub which went out of business last year because everyone thought it was shite, would soon be re-opening with different name, and everyone thinks it’s brilliant. The concept of the new bar is a closely guarded secret, but local bouncer Paddy Numchucks, who stood at the old bar looking hard as

Fiction/Religion

Jesus running a bus to Kellys, confirms Heaven

After a frustrating weekend in which he was barred from going to the pub by his parents, heaven today confirmed that Jesus has “had enough” and is running a bus tonight to popular Portrush nightclub, Kellys for a proper blow out. “Me Da was frying my loaf all weekend” Jesus told us earlier at Foyle

Sport

Confusion as Derry wans go to Belfast to cheer on Tyrone

Local sports journalists aren’t sure if they need a shite or a haircut it has been confirmed, after news broke that hundreds of Derry folk are currently en-route to Belfast to cheer on Tyrone. Derry people, who normally can’t be arsed with Tyrone, told us today that they “really hope Tyrone wins” and that it would be “great to see Tyrone

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