Pure Derry : Horoscopes

Fortune favours you this week when find an unused shipping container down the back of the sofa. Knowing a good business opportunity when you see one, you convert it into a shop and relocate it to a busy Galliagh roadside.

A visit from an old friend cheers you up this week when they tell you some great news. Their life has turned out even worse than yours! Reinvigorated by the wonder of existence, you tap your ma for a sub to head out.

Lady luck is shining upon you this week when you find a tenner in an old pair of jeans you were about to wash. Your luck turns however when your electric runs out at the very second you realise you’ve no washing powder. Another £3 should cover it.

A group of friends suggest you organise a trip to a fortune teller. Unconvinced, you pour scorn on the idea and tell them you don’t believe in all that crap. Good call. Don’t waste your money on that mumbo jumbo.

An urge to be more green fingered takes hold of you in the coming days and you decide to do a bit of gardening. You pay two teenagers £4 to strimmer your disgracefully long grass then spend the rest of the week moaning that they never cleaned up after them. Still, that’s that for another year!

Heartbreak lies ahead for you, when you are shocked to discover you haven’t won the euromillions… again. You spend three days in bed in mourning.

Pressure at work will get to you this week and you mistakenly put an extra sugar in your tea. You confide in your colleague about your error, but they don’t seem to care. Feeling no one respects your opinion you immediately begin looking for a new job. You’ll show those bastards!!

A taxi man recognises your face this week because of a passing resemblance to an uncle you’ve only met twice. You spend an extra 5 mins parked in a lay-by talking about him despite the fact you are running late and your Da thinks he’s a dick.

The words of someone you barely know will leave you mystified this week during an important telephone call. When the fuck did AXA car insurance setup a call centre in Ballymena?

You get some very bad news when a romance comes to an end. Inside you are hurting, badly. However you hide it well in front of others when you only post 27 times to your Facebook account to reassure everyone that you are getting on with your life.

Romance is in the air this week when you see the girl of your dreams eating a cheesy chip in Jungle King. You try to impress her with your prowess on the teddy bear machine but she’s not interested in guys for their cool stuff and bling. You need a new plan!

Car troubles hamper your week when you break down on the way to work. Stranded, cold and alone at the side of the road, you realise you’ve no smokes left. Total nightmare. Thankfully someone opens a shop inside a shipping container 10ft away from you selling extremely reasonably priced cigarettes.