After a frustrating weekend in which he was barred from going to the pub by his parents, heaven today confirmed that Jesus has “had enough” and is running a bus tonight to popular Portrush nightclub, Kellys for a proper blow out.
“Me Da was frying my loaf all weekend” Jesus told us earlier at Foyle Street bus stop. “He reckons I’d be setting a bad example to be out skulling pints whilst everyone is lamenting my passing, so he makes me sit in.”
“Wouldn’t be so bad” he continued “but the cheap hoor always buys in that Bier D’or muck from Lidl. I’m busting my hole for a proper drink…. so I phoned the lads and we organised a bus.”
His cousin John revealed the real reason behind the biblical Easter curfew. “JC is a sound lad, but he’s a wile man wiy a drink in him. One year he went missing for four days on the trot and then we found him lying seshed out in a cave. Everyone always bangs on about him dying that weekend… but the truth is he was just really hungover.”
Tensions are understood to be high in heaven following last year’s controversial trip to the Elk, which spiralled into chaos after Jesus’ muckers realised every 24 hour garage selling bottled water was a viable off-licence.
“That was quare value” Moses told us. “We would have got away without God finding out too if Judas hadn’t touted. Feck he’s a dose.”
Late night chip shop owners are also afraid of heavy losses, after reports emerged that Mr Christ fed an entire 52 seater bus with fish suppers last year – despite only having £3.20 on him.
A suspicious typo on the Kellys’ website promoting a guest appearance by “Amen Van Buren” tonight has further fuelled long standing speculation that God is a DJ.