Following yesterday’s news that a Newtonards man was granted bail to appear on Jeremy Kyle – in order to take a lie detector test, Belfast Crown Courts have today struck a deal with ITV, to help decide the fate of other local criminal defendants, on some of their most popular programmes.
The five year TV deal, an attempt by the NI Justice Department, to clear the alarming back-log of cases, is due to commence immediately. The crown prosecution service have already sent one man, Ballymena born Terence Roach, to be judged by thirty slags in stilettos, on primetime dating show, Take Me Out.
Mr Roach, who is accused of three counts of burglary, manslaughter and armed robbery, is understood to be preparing his defence, of an hilarious topless sing-song of Chumba-Wumbas ‘Tub Thumping’ during Round 2. Paddy McGuinness will have the final say on the outcome, with a decision of innocence being met with the yell of “No Likey, Serve Lifey” or the more unusually phrased “Let the Jail, see the bait” if prison is the unfortunate destination.
Next up, Antrim man Geoff Hines, 35, who is accused of workplace sexual harrassment, is to appear before a jury of ITV’s Loose Women next week, for questioning and sentencing. He has already been warned by the PSNI though, after he was found smuggling HRT patches into his cell, which he had hoped to bribe the jury with.
Other shows due to hold sentencing include This Morning, with help from dragon breathed Katie Hopkins, Dinner Date, Ejector Seat and Britain’s Got More Talent. However You’ve Been Framed has been pulled from the deal, after every defendant pleaded guilty upon hearing they’d get £300 for their clip.
In a late twist, RTE made an eleventh hour bid for the Belfast Court contract, offering up the Late Late Christmas Toy Show as a potential means of dispensing justice It is understood their plan involved forcing a line up of defendants to wear the entire Ryan Tubridy Christmas jumper wardrobe, whilst local kids played with them and decided which criminal they liked the best.
The bid was turned down by Belfast Crown Courts though, after RTE’s prison housing scheme was revealed simply be to offer a criminal to everybody in the audience.