There were emotional scenes across Ireland today, as the country’s last remaining closet factory announced that it was moving it’s entire operation to Northern Ireland ‘with immediate effect’.
Indi-Closets said that the situation was ‘totally unavoidable’, after orders for their closet range suddenly ‘nosedived’ following the people of Ireland’s decision that the colourful fabric of society no longer needed to be kept behind closed doors.
Shareholders of Indi-Closets said that whilst they were ‘disappointed’ to have to lay off their entire workforce in the Republic, that an ‘amazing relocation package’ had come in from Northern Ireland, lead by a consortium from the DUP.
“We’ve a fine manufacturing history in Ulster and we are delighted to offer NI people the opportunity to get into the closet industry” confirmed First Minister Peter Robinson. “It turns out many of our own party members have been into closets for years. Indeed many have expressed an interest in applying for some roles Indi-Closets need filled.”
Despite the controversy surrounding the relocation, with many activists taking to social media to campaign for Northern Ireland to adopt the same clothes hanging policy as their southern neighbours, the DUP leader remained defiant.
“As far as we’re concerned the Republic’s loss is our gain.” continued Robinson. “We’ve built an entire tourism industry around going down with a sinking ship and there’s no reason we can’t offer the population here the same opportunity.”
Despite Ulster’s long association working with the steel, Robinson assured Pure Derry that it wouldn’t be long before the local workforce ‘got wood’.
“We’ve been planning this acquisition for months and our early pilot scheme was a great success. Ulster people can rub wood, bang on doors and polish knobs with the best in the world!”