Christmas Weather Forecast

Pyjamas are expected throughout the Province today, as the seldom-seen Irish phenomenon of wind, rain and cold, combine to make wardrobes and bedroom furniture inaccessible throughout the day.

Thousands of families around the country are struggling without power today – including the power to move off the sofa, willpower to stop eating Quality Street and the brain power to think of anything interesting to say to each other after yesterday’s torrential beer downpours.

Long spells of procrastination are expected throughout the day, with intermittent outbreaks of guilt and self-loathing later in the evening.

Elbow power is expected to be restored to most homes by tea-time, as residents find their second-wind – and a box of beer under the stairs.