Politics articles

Ulster confirmed 37% more British following aggressive Twelfth celebrations

Ulster confirmed 37% more British following aggressive Twelfth celebrations

The union between Northern Ireland and Great Britain grew considerably stronger overnight, following 48 hours of peaceful aggressive Britishness by Ulster protestants. London this morning reported that the constitutional agreement between the two landmasses is now miraculously printed on an even thicker 120gsm paper and that the ink looks ‘black as fuck’. Across the province,

Martin McGuiness Under Attack From Rockets

A local fast food outlet was criticised by Sinn Fein today, for continually offering to make Deputy First Minister, Martin McGuinness free delicious fast food. The Sinn Fein supremo, who on his wife’s orders has been watching his waistline, has recently come under attack from Rockets at the bottom of William Street. PSNI sources revealed

DUP Condemn Racist Banner for ‘Poor Craftsmanship’

The DUP today spoke of their ‘sheer horror’ upon seeing banners erected outside a house in east Belfast voicing neighbour’s disapproval of a Nigerian man due to move into the area. Peter Robinson spoke of his revulsion at the artist’s penmanship, calling it ‘disgusting, disrespectful, and not something a racist Northern Ireland can be proud

DUP Want Racism to Replace Terrorism in 2014

DUP Leader Peter Robinson today revealed that plans for Northern Ireland to become the ‘number one place for racism in the UK’, are already well underway.  With the Provinces former ‘ism’ passion,  terrorism,  taking a back seat in recent years,  DUP members have been forced to innovate and find new things to whinge and complain

Nigel Farage Chased Out Of Belfast For Being ‘Too Foreign’

Nigel Farage, leader of the right-wing UK Independent Party (UKIP), was dramatically escorted out of Belfast this afternoon by the PSNI, after members of the local community found out he was actually a foreigner. Farage travelled to Belfast in an effort promote his right-wing party to Northern Ireland voters. However the move spectacularly backfired, after

Power Sharing In Crisis As Gerry Adams Is Released Without Charge

Northern Ireland’s power sharing agreement hangs in the balance today, after Sinn Fein president, Gerry Adams, was released from Antrim Police station last night, without any charge. Adams, reportedly entered the station on Thursday evening with a full 98% battery, but claims he left Antrim last night, with his phone teetering on the brink of

David Cameron in Jellyfish Sting Drama

Tory leader David Cameron’s holiday in Lanzarote has been interrupted by medical drama, after reports emerged of an encounter with a Jellyfish, whilst swimming in the sea. A witness at the resort told PD News – “I saw this oddly shaped, slimy blob with no backbone floating around in the water, and then all of

Jamie Bryson Steps Down From Not Being Involved in Local Politics to Concentrate Solely On Not Being Involved in Local Politics

Jamie Bryson, Northern Ireland’s self-appointed leading unelected member of the general public, today announced that he is to take a step back from not being involved in local politics – so that he can focus all his energies on not being involved in local politics. Bryson, who hasn’t been recognised in any political capacity since