Almost 300 Derry people who already have jobs they hate, are set to land 289 new jobs they don’t hate yet, creating hundreds of vacant old shite jobs for unemployed Derry people to apply for.
“It’s wonderful news for the city” said Russell Dickwad from the Department of Pens & Stuff. “Job centre boards have made for depressing reading of late… but unemployed jobseekers will be delighted to learn that this American company, WanSource, are going to be hiring hundreds of people in the city soon.”
“Not them mind you” he laughed. “they haven’t a snowballs chance in hell of getting hired, but rest assured, once all decent workers from WorstSource and HMeLt jump-ship, there will be loads of vacant old crap jobs to apply for! ” he added, patting himself on the back.
The announcement led to a busy day’s trading on Derry’s DOOTSIE stock exchange, as shares in ‘Day dreaming about telling your boss to stick his job up his hole’ rose to a three year high, whilst ‘Getting out of this shitehole’ jumped 25 points overnight. However not all local institutions faired so well. ‘Excuses to give the dole’ dropped a staggering 65 points on the markets, whilst ‘Laying in your bed til lunchtime’ took a big hit amongst traders too.
Quietly it is understood that employees of WorstSource are excited by the prospect of joining company with a name that bears no resemblance to their current employer, to undertake work of an entirely different nature altogether.
After hearing about hundreds of new tech jobs coming to the town, SDLP genius Mark H Durkan immediately went on TV in a fleece to declare that he ‘didn’t even know how to switch wan on’.
He was reportedly offered a management position at WanSource shortly after.