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Visit www.GetTogether.at - The Premiere What's on guide for pubs, clubs, restaurants, theatre and live events in Derry, Ireland.
Letters to the Editor
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SHAKEN NOT STUPID
Dear Editor,
I would like to, through the medium of your good newspaper, offer a few suggestions to any evil tyrants with aspirations of world domination who may be reading your column. Whilst not wanting to appear condescending towards criminal masterminds of such caliber, I do feel that there is room for improvement in their high altitude field operations.
For example, when sending several henchmen on a mission to kill a hero or notorious super-spy, and it transpires that he is currently holidaying on a snowy mountain top resort, I offer this useful but effective advice....
Rather than waiting until the hero has readied himself for a days fun on the freshly powdered slopes, and then engaging him in a pointless high speed downhill pursuit with machine guns (which often results in the loss of several of your personnel and is quite embarrassing to your organisation), simply order your crew to wait for the hero in the toilets of the hotel bar the night before, and then shoot him whilst he is taking a shit.
Aside from the obvious time saved, I believe this approach will also yield several financial savings for your business, including sparing the need to invest in several sets of expensive skiing equipment, sinister black matching skiing outfits or state-of-the-art snow mobiles. More importantly, according to my contact at Grafton recruitment, I understand it is becoming increasingly difficult to find reliable and hardworking Olympic standard winter athletes with professional weapons training, so its only a matter of time before this role becomes obsolete in a criminal organisation.
The drive and determination of many in this line of work is admirable, but I feel that they are often let down by sloppy management decisions. I hope that some of them will find these simple cost saving tips beneficial to their business and future world domination plans.
Kind Regards
Mitchell McLaughlin
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Other Headlines
Dracula believed to be responsible for two dozen male bodies found drained of blood throughout the city. A local right-wing feminist group has welcomed the attacks claiming it will teach Derry men to wind their necks in in future.
Shock as women traveller has heart attack at City of Derry Airport. Police are thought to be holding a Chicken Sandwich and a Cup of Black Coffee in for questioning over their suspect pricing. The woman has vowed to never again return to the city, as she remained unsure about the correct location to have a Stroke in Derry/Londonderry.
Shock as TV diet guru Gillian McKeith is heckled by locals during a trip to Derry as part of her “You are what you eat” tour. “That’s a load of fuckin crap” screamed one Sausage Roll Bap who was escorted from the scene. Police are now looking to speak to a portion of Garlic Chips, a Fish Supper and a Chicken Ball Special in connection with the incident.
Pampers scientists “completely baffled” during recent road-show appearance in Derry, upon discovering that local kiddy piss actually is blue. Wetherspoons were quick to distance themselves from the findings, claiming that local stocks of WKD have already been depleted by "customers who were most probably definitely over 18", whilst 50,000 parents claimed their children were safely staying at a “friends”.
Local boy racers disappointed at recent Continentál market event after failing to find a single bargain on imported European car tyres or Japanese alloy wheels.
Gotham billionaire Bruce Wayne has dramatically fled Derry this week following revelations that a local criminal mastermind somehow figured out his secret identity during a business trip to the province. Marty McLaughlin, a Tesco employee maintained his innocence to PureDerry though. “I was only being polite lik, yee know what I mean Batman?”.
Shock as Derry learns local statistical urban legend may be wrong. Long assumed 3-to-1 female-male ratio is now 10-to-1 claims a Magee professor. “There seems to be an unexplained sudden drop in men” he said. 10,000 stupid hair cuts, 8000 silk scarves and an unknown number of embarrassed relatives were unavailable for comment.
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