Swedish filmmakers ‘extremely disappointed’ by Derry Jizz Festival

saxytimes2

A group of amateur Swedish filmmakers who excitedly travelled to Derry for this weekend’s festivities, have spoken of their ‘extreme disappointment’ at the lack of pornographic acts happening in the town’s bars and coffee houses. Adult filmmaker Lars Oale and his crew arrived in the city on Thursday afternoon, after a Scandinavian news channel reported the amazing story of an ‘annual four day drunken orgy’ in Ireland, in which thousands of sweaty locals pack into crowded bars to ‘soak up the jizz’.

“I am unbelievably snapping at the pure shape of this Derry Jizz festival’ said Mr Oale in the reception his John Street ‘hotel’. “We’d never heard of Derry before this moment, but when we looked on the map, it was happy days to realise how close it was to world famous town of Muff. So far though, despite having a vagina on your doorstep, we have not made any sexy filmings!”

“It’s pure shite like!” he added.

Assistant director Heida Koch agreed, calling Derry people ‘frigid hoors’ and a ‘bunch of hypocrites’. “Every time we go into a pub everyone tell us they ‘Lik the craic’ and are ‘dying for jizz to start’, but then they just get drunk, keep clothes on and begin dancing to pure noisy bands – mostly playing country or rock music! We waited all night for Jizz to start, but it never did!”

“In the end we give up and start using actors” admitted camera-woman, Giza Buckatchi. “We make many secret filmings outside your takeaways when pubs close. We so happy to discover that taco sauce look just same as jizz at night. Which is good – as most drunk people were pure clattered in this strange creamy substance you call ‘Taco’ by 2am.”

“We already sell sexy ‘crowd orgy’ footage of your Bradley’s taxi queue to PornHub for £250,000” she said, as they ordered 4 cooked breakfasts and a round of celebratory drinks at Belfast International airport on their way home. “After we pay for this, we should have couple of hundred quid profit to share!” she beamed.

The PSNI refused to comment on a Derry rumour that one creepy fan of the Jizz Festival was leaving ‘strange white stains’ on house fences around the town – apparently to indicate who was up for ‘sexy time’.  However it must be true, as even the dogs on the street knew it.

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