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Other News
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SINCLAIR MAKES LOWKEY RETURN
Derry people were shocked last week, by the apparant and dramatic fall from grace of 90's mind-controlling demigod, Barry Sinclair. The hypnotist, who used to pack stadiums in his prime, was recently booked for a personal appearance at Buddha niteclub, where he started his fantastic act by magically persuading a waitress to pour him a drink just by clicking his fingers and showing her a £20 note. Amazed onlookers then watched in wonder, as Sinclair convinced the entire audience that no-one else had bothered showing up.
Speaking afer the show, Sinclair told PureDerry that next year he was determined to return to the city as the Rialto's star summer attraction. A spokeman for Garvan O'Doherty's construction consortium was not available for comment on the claims, but a Primark director did later confirm that they would be stocking extra incontinence pants and elasticated waist-band trousers in anticpation of his return. It was unclear however at the time of going to press, whether they would be stocking any invisible leprechaun sized clothing.
DOGS ABUSE
The City Council have slammed pet owners over the recent upsurge in dog turds littered along the city's popular riverside promenade at Queen's Quay. Council chiefs, disgusted at the new foul stinking odour eminating from the area, are said to be keen to put an end to this problem, so that everyone can get back to enjoying the old foul stinking odour eminating from the area. Two shopping trolleys, an old bike and a dead dog were unavailable for comment.
DISGRACEFUL PARKING PLANS REVEALED
Chaos looms for Dery's drivers, as new parking privatisation plans edge ever closer. It is now feared that literally hundreds of car owners will have to walk further than the length of themselves, as the authorities begin cruelly repossessing handy parking spots which have been in some families for 3 generations. Under the ludicrous new laws, traditional parking on pedestrian zones, grass bankings, footpaths and even loading bays will also be banned, and, it will be illegal to leave a car parked at the standard 67° halfway-up-a-wall angle. More to follow.
"RING OF STEEL" IS JUSTIFIED CLAIM CITY CENTRE INITIATIVE
City officials have defended Halloween security plans after the Derry Journal last week revealed their intention to throw an alcohol-free “ring of steel” around the city centre. “Despite the concerns of local youth groups, we can assure you that this will not be intimidating to kids.” Said Stephen Kelly of the City Centre Initiative.
“Infact, many Derry teenagers have told us that they would like two steel rings around them when they are in town this halloween” he added.
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Other Headlines
Dracula believed to be responsible for two dozen male bodies found drained of blood throughout the city. A local right-wing feminist group has welcomed the attacks claiming it will teach Derry men to wind their necks in in future.
Shock as women traveller has heart attack at City of Derry Airport. Police are thought to be holding a Chicken Sandwich and a Cup of Black Coffee in for questioning over their suspect pricing. The woman has vowed to never again return to the city, as she remained unsure about the correct location to have a Stroke in Derry/Londonderry.
Shock as TV diet guru Gillian McKeith is heckled by locals during a trip to Derry as part of her “You are what you eat” tour. “That’s a load of fuckin crap” screamed one Sausage Roll Bap who was escorted from the scene. Police are now looking to speak to a portion of Garlic Chips, a Fish Supper and a Chicken Ball Special in connection with the incident.
Pampers scientists “completely baffled” during recent road-show appearance in Derry, upon discovering that local kiddy piss actually is blue. Wetherspoons were quick to distance themselves from the findings, claiming that local stocks of WKD have already been depleted by "customers who were most probably definitely over 18", whilst 50,000 parents claimed their children were safely staying at a “friends”.
Local boy racers disappointed at recent Continentál market event after failing to find a single bargain on imported European car tyres or Japanese alloy wheels.
Gotham billionaire Bruce Wayne has dramatically fled Derry this week following revelations that a local criminal mastermind somehow figured out his secret identity during a business trip to the province. Marty McLaughlin, a Tesco employee maintained his innocence to PureDerry though. “I was only being polite lik, yee know what I mean Batman?”.
Shock as Derry learns local statistical urban legend may be wrong. Long assumed 3-to-1 female-male ratio is now 10-to-1 claims a Magee professor. “There seems to be an unexplained sudden drop in men” he said. 10,000 stupid hair cuts, 8000 silk scarves and an unknown number of embarrassed relatives were unavailable for comment.
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