With the European elections just around the corner, and the Giro D’Italia only days away, radical new proposals have been passed at Stormont this week, in a bid to help improve the image of Northern Ireland to the wider world.
The new legislation aims to move local communities away from the tribalism of specific colour schemes, by quite literally eradicating the colours green and orange from society.
This is of course to the concern of Ulster’s green-haired hipsters and tango-skinned sunbed aficionados respectively, whose entire image is completely dependent on the two controversial colours.
25 year-old tangerine-toned madman, Hollister McDaid heard about the ban last night, whilst attending a house party with people he just met in the taxi queue. He admits he later spent the entire night inconsolably cuddling a tub of protein powder in bed, before hitting Fit4Less for a session of post-traumatic weight lifting this morning.
“Am absolutely distraught hi so I am,” McDaid began, mid-bench press. “What am I meanty do if I canny hit the beds every Friday before going on the pull?!!!”
When we suggested that he might embrace his natural Irish hue of white, the idea was swiftly shot down.
“Get de buck!! Do ye think I’m some sorta poetry reading scruff bag?” he protested angrily, keeping firm eye contact us – via a mirror.
Soon after, in a coffee shop that no-one had ever heard of before, whilst drinking a type of coffee that had yet to be invented.17 year-old hipster Clementine Ivy McCartney, expressed her horror at how the ‘de-greening’ will affect her.
“Like I literally cannot deal with what’s going on right now? Is this how Yoko Ono felt when she broke up The Beatles? Like actually nobody understands, my green hair is my thing? It’s like I’m literally being punished just because I’m not some sheep who follows the crowd and buys into corporate bulls**t?” complained the young Derry girl while browsing Topshop’s new season stock on her £1000 Mac Book Pro.
Despite the ban, a number of dissident hipsters have reportedly been dyeing their hair anyway, sparking angry sunbed mobs to plan a series of protests at Belfast’s City Hall, and Derry’s Guildhall, demanding that sunbeds are reinstated throughout the Province.
It is understood that the group now plans to march through predominantly hipster areas, flexing their tango biceps and singing derogatory songs about Instagram.