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Dear Majella
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Dear Majella
I don’t know if this is normal, but women’s underwear really does it for me. All those tightie whities, frilly thongs and satin knick knack paddy whacks are too much temptation for a fella to take. I see them on me girl and one big, overwhelming sensation comes over me Majella. Jealousy. Why should my girl get to wear all the good underbags eh? Is it a crime to think that I would look good in silk panties too? What if a fella wants to feel the sensation of a good pair of Alan Whickers under his tracksuit? Please help Majella, I’m thinking of goin for a g-string under me boiler suit tomorrow. Am I some kind of fruitbowl?
Confused, Creggan.
Dear Confused,
Are you a fruitbowl?
In a word…aye ye are. You’re fruitier than my Fat Frog darlin. I like a man who appreciates my underwear – you know who yees are! – but wearing your WAGs nags is not cool. The only time a man of mine has come close to wearing my knickers was when I caught me G-string on Higgsy’s bar stool in the Metro. It was sticking up above me jeans, I was trying to get served and he jumped up when Celtic scored. Well, the whole thing ripped off and landed in his pint. He nearly died and I took a total reddener. And that, Confused from Creggan, is the way it should be.
Well apart from Halloween but Higgsy just did it for the craic last year. He’s mad man! I nearly died last Summer when I walked into me bedroom and he was standing in a pair of French knickers, but then sure people start getting their costumes earlier and earlier every year don’t they? It was all me best stuff too, suspenders and fishnets but like Higgsy says, people do put a wile lot of effort into it theses days too, don’t they? He wants to do it again this year, but he’s doin my head in. He’s all my stilettos stretched trying them on, to practice he says. So anyway confused, if you really want to you could try it on Halloween night and then if you like it, I say good luck de ye, but no harm de ye, thank god you’re not my boyfriend.
Majella
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Other Headlines
Dracula believed to be responsible for two dozen male bodies found drained of blood throughout the city. A local right-wing feminist group has welcomed the attacks claiming it will teach Derry men to wind their necks in in future.
Shock as women traveller has heart attack at City of Derry Airport. Police are thought to be holding a Chicken Sandwich and a Cup of Black Coffee in for questioning over their suspect pricing. The woman has vowed to never again return to the city, as she remained unsure about the correct location to have a Stroke in Derry/Londonderry.
Shock as TV diet guru Gillian McKeith is heckled by locals during a trip to Derry as part of her “You are what you eat” tour. “That’s a load of fuckin crap” screamed one Sausage Roll Bap who was escorted from the scene. Police are now looking to speak to a portion of Garlic Chips, a Fish Supper and a Chicken Ball Special in connection with the incident.
Pampers scientists “completely baffled” during recent road-show appearance in Derry, upon discovering that local kiddy piss actually is blue. Wetherspoons were quick to distance themselves from the findings, claiming that local stocks of WKD have already been depleted by "customers who were most probably definitely over 18", whilst 50,000 parents claimed their children were safely staying at a “friends”.
Local boy racers disappointed at recent Continentál market event after failing to find a single bargain on imported European car tyres or Japanese alloy wheels.
Gotham billionaire Bruce Wayne has dramatically fled Derry this week following revelations that a local criminal mastermind somehow figured out his secret identity during a business trip to the province. Marty McLaughlin, a Tesco employee maintained his innocence to PureDerry though. “I was only being polite lik, yee know what I mean Batman?”.
Shock as Derry learns local statistical urban legend may be wrong. Long assumed 3-to-1 female-male ratio is now 10-to-1 claims a Magee professor. “There seems to be an unexplained sudden drop in men” he said. 10,000 stupid hair cuts, 8000 silk scarves and an unknown number of embarrassed relatives were unavailable for comment.
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