Pure Derry

Foyle Bridge Closures Announced

Charities all over the North West went into a state of panic yesterday, when the City Council cut off their biggest source of funding with an 11th hour emergency construction order on the Foyle Bridge. The council have been forced to close the bridge several times in the coming weeks for badly needed strengthening work, as its structure is beginning to deteriorate and weaken after years of unimaginative fund raising by charities. An estimated 25,000 people per day have ran across the “two bridges” since 1979, in a multitude of fun runs, sponsored hikes and wacky races, which engineers say have taken their toll on the bridge.

The bridge was opened in January 1984 by MEP John Hume, who until recent years was leader of the SDLP. Since then it has become so weak and fragile though, that it could take years of work to make it as strong as it once was say sources. The bridge is also quite fragile say engineers, who didn’t want to discuss the SDLP at the time. Culmore residents welcomed the end of charity runs across the bridge though, claiming that it had long been a problem in the area. A spokeswoman for the Culmore Residents Association, Mrs Annie Price said “We understand from what we saw in that film with Jimmy Nesbitt that not all areas in Derry have mansions but really, 'Bogsiders' gawking at us isn't going to help the Foyle Hospice forever."

Structural engineer and Culmore resident Mantlepiece Devlin agrees that the charity workers may well have done as much harm as good, "Well, undoubtedly good work has been done over the years as many have treaded this hallowed bridge for noble charities such as Marie Curie Cancer Care and the Foyle Hospice. But on the other hand, being unused to massive beautiful houses like what we have out here, they have tended to gradually wander to the western side of the bridge to gaze at the magnificence of our area and the resulting strain on that one side of the bridge has greatly affected the consistency of the bridge overall."

The strengthening development, which will take over 2 years to fully complete, has run into a series of financial difficulties though, forcing developers to consider the option of opening a secondary, stronger support structure to hold traffic during the construction work. Short of materials strong enough to withstand this task, the Council has enlisted the help of the city's bouncers and cab drivers to build a human chain of bald heads, bomber jackets and steel-toed boots.

Fights on the bridge have subsequently been reduced by 25%. Hilarious comments about the ladies crossing it have however risen by 4,765%. Suicide attempt statistics have remained unchanged, although many of those who have survived attempts have reportedly been greatly cheered by the humourous remarks shouted by kindly cabbies and bouncers as they fell.

"I was understandably nervous," says suicide attemptee, Dedalus Raphoe III, "but they made everything so easy. One shouted, 'cheer up, it might never happen' and everyone else in the bridge laughed. It really was the nicest bridge I've ever jumped off."

Added Raphoe "And the houses there were lovely too."

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