Pure Derry

PHIL COULTER IN TOWN ADULTERY SHOCKER

Derry citizens town and county were shocked and saddened to hear of Phil Coulter's adultery this week when after a sudden raid on documents from the Coulter estate, police found a number of songs professing love for any number of other towns and cities. The discovery of "I Heartily Approve Of You, Milton Keynes", "Bristol-Whipped" and "Three Cheers For Ipswich" among others have lead the PSNI to immediately begin questioning the 78 year old songwriter and stuntman. Lines such as "I never knew a town fairer/Than Weston Super-Mare, ah!" led angry police chiefs to publicly accuse Coulter of having pursued a ruthless campaign of infidelity for more than 27 years. Coulter, who for 40 years has insisted Derry is the one and only town in his heart, denies allegations that these findings linking him to a string of affairs with other towns, cities - and the principalities of Monaco and the Vatican City - mean anything.

"They mean nothing to me, I was drunk, I was lonely. You don't know what it's like on the road, suddenly everyone wants a piece of you, and it's so easy to give into temptation. But I promise, Derry was always my number one. I never would have said, sung or wrote anything to hurt you."

Lines recovered from his song "Hmmmmmm, Stockport!" seem to contradict this claim, however. "When I got off the ferry/ From that shithole Derry/ I found that Stockport/ Was an altogether more affable and interesting place in which to live".

Even more sickening seems to be the fact that each of the 496 other recipients also appear to have been completely unaware of his infidelity. Bradford mayor, John Bradford said in a statement released last night; "We are saddened and devestated to hear this news of Phil Coulter's adultery. It's hard to believe that we meant nothing to him, we feel like such fools."

Added Bradford, "We, as a community must move on and re-evaluate our relationship with Coulter. Coming after all his years of famously calling us 'the town he loved so great' this will not be easy to do. But we will strive on".

Upon hearing of the story, Bill Clinton is said to have had a heart attack.

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