Pure Derry

Constructive talks underway

Stormont Construction Ltd is in deep crisis it has been revealed, as re-development of the government funded ‘New Society House’ falls drastically behind schedule. Local plumbing sub-contractor Sinnk Frame are being blamed for the problems, which started when leaks were found coming from areas they had been working in. Sinnk Frame deny this though, claming they are the victims of collusion by clerk of works David Trimble, and the Plumbing Service of Northern Ireland. “The PSNI have always had it in for us ever since we claimed their organisation was notorious for producing bent copper” said Martin Mc Guinness head foreman of Sinnk Frame. “Of all the contractors on this site, Sinnk Frame have worked the hardest to achieve a total restoration of all services within this building”. It is believed Sinnk Frame were unhappy with new labour conditions at the development, often finding wires in many of the areas they were working in.

Now retired John Hume, an architect who worked on the original plans admitted that the development was in trouble. “Its chaos in there!! No-one is speaking to each other, they are building walls were there should be doors, and the place is freezing due to all the cold water the trade unionists keep pouring on everything. We need to create institutions which respect diversity but ensure that we work together in our common interest. Once this is done and we break the airlock, the real heating process will begin”

Mr Joe Public, who hired Stormont Construction Ltd to carry out the work on the property, is understandably annoyed at the lack of progress on his house. “They have had the same framework up for 6 years and still haven’t made much progress except for the occasional provisional modification. Its getting beyond a joke now, I’m pissed off waiting about for these people to do something while I pay their wages. They are a shambles, there is only one extension lead on the whole site, and no-one will borrow it to Sinnk Frame, they just don’t seem interested in sharing power”

Despite the setbacks, clerk of works David Trimble is reportedly pleased with some sub-contractors, including the Ulster Union of Plasterers, who have successfully plastered over the cracks that have been appearing at his offices recently following to a dispute with the Decorative Undercoat Painters. Sinnk Frame blamed the problems on a shortage of Trade Unionist Joiners.

Going for broke

A Derry woman, who mistakenly believed that £49.7 Million had been lodged into her bank account by a mystery benefactor, spoke for this first time this week to ‘Pure Derry’. Joanne Kelly from Creggan Heights was shopping in the town when she first seen the amazing figures appear on the screen of the bank machine. “I didn’t know what to think when I seen the balance on my account” said Miss Kelly, “At first I thought the Child Support Agency must have tracked all of them bastards down and managed to get some money out of them for the wains, but then I realised that couldn’t be right, unless they only found half of them”.

Miss Kelly, who was due to go on holiday the next day to the Greek island of Creditzunionpayz, decided she would let the dust settle on the situation before she started splashing her new found wealth and to make sure that a mistake hadn’t been made. “Well I tried anyway” she said. “But havin all that money in the bank was a wile distraction! I couldn’t help but splash out on some luxury items from Super Tramp, Mighty Price and Mega Deals, its not every day you become a millionaire”.

The next day Miss Kelly and her children boarded a plane to London Airport, to begin their holidays, with the thought of the money still very much on her mind. Athur Rodgers, a London Hackney Cab driver recalls the moment he picked Miss Kelly up, but admits she didn’t strike him as a wealthy woman. “I was just picking up a Stock Broker at the terminal when Miss Kelly and her kids all jumped into the taxi along side him. The man was quite bemused by the situation, especially when she and her kids tried to give me 60p each to Heathrow”.

The incident has caused gossip to spread like wild through the cities hair salons and taxi ranks, with many Derry locals sharing tales of Miss Kelly’s alleged purchases and private life secrets. “Its weird” she said, “I’m not used to people talking about me behind my back, its not like Derry people to gossip and be spiteful about someone who have been fortunate”. Ulster Bank are investigating the incident further, but were unable to provide any answers to our questions “At present don’t have any idea how the owner of account number 49700000 got the idea that they were a millionaire”.

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