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Latest News
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Derry kids told - “Fight flab, not each other”
New alarming obesity figures released last week reveal that Derry kids are shockingly overweight and out of shape in comparison to past generations. Government health officials poured into inner city housing estates this week to investigate, initially causing panic in many areas. “The residents here aren’t used to seeing men in suits” said Grainne Goodthing, a trauma councillor based in Ballymac. “The last time was in 1987 during the famous ‘wrong turn’ incident, which resulted in 100’s of residents putting TV’s in wardrobes and hiding under beds”
Parents shocked by the report have come out defending their corner, claiming they have done no wrong. “We buy the best of stuff from Lidl every week, sometimes spending up to £2 or £3 on fresh fruit and vegetables, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference” said Aine Plate, a 17 year old mother of 5. “My oldest boy Morgan Levi goes through waist sizes so fast its scary. He has to wear tracksuit bottoms and football tops all the time now to make up for it”.
Health officials though pointed at the lack of exercise as the main cause of the problem, claiming the alarming usage of quads, mo-peds and scramblers is directly proportional to the high level of porkers in these areas. New legislation to ban motorised transport in Derry housing estates as a result of this investigation was slammed by local mothers. “My wee Donzo hasn’t used his legs in years” said one. “We’ll have to get him a wheel chair if this law goes through”
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Other Headlines
Graffiti outrage at Derry Credit Union as customers are charged for Seamus Doherty. “We demand Free Seamus Doherty” said one.
BT engineers laptop stolen in Rossville St. “We know the thief’s name, but sadly his numbers ex-directory” say PSNI.
2000 Derry drivers have DLA cars, but Altnagalvin only hand out 27 walking sticks. “We can’t understand why the figures don’t add up” said one official.
Ballymac kids as young as 5 stone buses. “I’m shocked” said one mother, “I only turned away for a few hours to watch Trisha, and then suddenly this happens”
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