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MC COURT EXPOSED IN DOGGING SCANDAL
SCANDAL has hit Derry City FC this week, as local soccer superstar Paddy Mc Court was exclusively exposed by a PureDerry undercover team taking part in a seedy “dogging” session. McCourt, 24, a native Brazilian who signed for City from River Plate last year, was caught red-handed taking part in the sleazy shenanigans at Sainsbury’s carpark.
Hand-Cuffed
McCourt, who came to City as part of a record breaking golden-handcuffs deal involving two tenners, a bag of spuds and 13 Spanish Exchange students from the Foyle Language School was busted by police shortly after our undercover team struck. McCourt was left even more red-faced, when he was found to have a bag of Sainsbury's groceries in his car boot containing questionable items including balsalmic vinegar, extra virgin olive oil, sushi, greek hummus, camembert cheese and rocket lettuce.
Gagged
McCourt has officially been silenced by his bosses at the club, who have banned him from speaking publicly to the media about the incident. However we caught up with a woman involved the sordid affair, who was happy to tell us about McCourt’s performance. 23 year old Polish immigrant Aine Bachyabich, an aspiring glamour model and actress who wished to remain anonymous, told PureDerry that McCourt was amazing but sometimes frustrating.
“He was brilliant for the first 45 minutes. His touch was amazing.” she said, “But as the crowd gathered to see him perform he didn’t quite live up to the early flair he showed. It’s a shame he cant perform like that all the time. He could easily be one of the best shags in Ireland if he could”
Tied-Up
Derry manager Stephen Kenny was unavailable for comment on the issue, as he was otherwise engaged in important meetings in the build up to Paris. However others did come forward. "We are really disapointed in Patrick" said one former friend. "Its a big shock to everyone and we all feel let down by him. Its really embarrasing"
"We thought he was more of a sausage roll bap man to be honest. Fuckin Rocket Lettuce!! Jesus!!"
DERRY FANS ANGER : "NO SKINT HILL COSTING US A FORTUNE"
Furious Derry City fans have hit out at Parisian officials today, for refusing to build a grassy mound adjacent to the Parc Des Princes stadium from which they can watch the match for free.
“I canny believe I have to buy a blooming ticket! It’s ridiculous!” said local city fan Denim McLaughlin “I’m going to have to get a loan of the credit union when I get back to pay for all this now!”
French police are believed to have removed a large group of Derry fans from the Paris City Cemetery, after a group of early arrivals set up camp at the graveyard in the hope of gaining a vantage point from which to watch the match. The men initially refused to move from the graveyard, despite being told that the stadium was actually 4 mile away. Police were left with no choice but to forcibly remove the men, who still angrily insisted that “they would eventually find a decent angle”.
This follows news that Parisian residents living around the stadium have been complaining for days about groups of beer swilling Derry men standing on their door-porches, climbing trees and shimmying up lamp-posts in the area. More to follow....
BUSINESS COMMUNITY GOES ANTI-FRENCH FOR BIG MATCH
In the build-up to the big match, Derry ’s business community have rallied together to instil some anti-French sentiment into their products in the name of civic pride.
Taking their inspiration from the American craze for Freedom Fries in the wake of French opposition to the proposed Iraq invasion, Derry 's business elite have begun their own propagandistic renaming of foodstuffs feared to have a French bias - starting with chips.
Residents throughout the Bogside and Creggan are now raving about the brand new Liam Coyle Spirit of 1993 Double Winner Super Fries flooding chippers throughout the Maiden City, while you can't move yards from any of the city's fancy restaurants without hearing mention of the snazzy new City Til I Die!!! Dressing.
Additionally, the ‘Bridies’ chippy chain have stopped selling chicken goujons because 'they sound too french!' and also ceased the serving of Bollinger Champagne because ‘It was probably a fuckin stupid idea to stock that in the first place’.
“Hopefully this will be less controversial than the time we banned Scotch Eggs for the game against Raith'' said owner Bernie Mouth.
Not every move, however, has been so graciously accepted as city teenagers are said to be somewhat unenthusiastic about adopting the terminology 'Peter Hutton kissing'.
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Other Headlines
The Derry City Store wish to announce that XX Large and Fat Bastard XXX sizes are still sold out with none expected in until late October, and to reiterate finally to those who purchased these sizes, that new season tickets holders cannot apply to have a comfortable armchair installed.
Derry's Alcoholics Anonymous leaders baffled by Vitners Association's claim of record profits despite indications that most of Derry is now "on the wagon".
Shock as Super-Valu home delivery van is brutally hijacked and robbed in direct response to Orange march happening 93 mile away. Several local families left without groceries to feed children, but most conceed it's a worthy sacrifice in the cause of a United Ireland. "Up the Ra" said one starving resident
In other news, Derry City FC have thanked a Brandwell youth group for their kind donation of several hundred packed lunches for away trip to Paris. "This is a great gesture. Thanks everyone!" said Stephen Kenny as he ate another baked bean and Daz sandwich.
Delight for Eddie McCallion at not getting a inaugural mention in PureDerry Later said to be annoyed that he read this news item last.
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