Pure Derry

Derry milk bottle factory lay off 25 staff

Management at the Derry Milk Bottle Factory have this week been forced to make 25 staff redundant following their worst summer of business for over 30 years. Gordon Davidson, head of the Milk Bottlers Union said “Summer demand this year has been atrocious, Derry people used to go through a lot of milk bottles in summers past and we had to replace them, but for some reason that’s not the case anymore”

Gregory Campbell, Managing Director of the factory was devastated by the layoffs, but claimed he had no choice but to let people go. “We just are'nt making the same profits we used to make. I know all of the unfortunate staff personally, and some of them are taking it really bad, especially Trevor, Sammy, Peter, William and Farquar”

A weekend effort by Mr Campbell to drum up some support for the beleaguered factory fell flat on Saturday past when he invited some friends down to rally for the cause. “I invited a few dozen bus loads of friends and colleagues to attend a rally through the streets of Derry in support of the factory.” said Campbell. “We were hoping that the young people from Derry could have turned out in bigger numbers to fight and secure a big order for the factory. We are obviously disappointed that did'nt happen!”

In a last minute announcement, Littlewoods have come to the aid of the redundant staff with an offer of part-time employment at their Waterloo Place store. “We had a few million put aside for our annual fire damage renovations but they didn't get the go ahead this year so we have a few quid spare”.

PSNI Deny involvement in Derry population slump

The PSNI in Derry have denied that there is any connection between recent allegations that they have been ‘firing blanks’ and Derry’s slump in population growth. As reported last week in ‘The Derry News’, the population increase ratio of Derry is as at all time low, as the city struggles to reach population projections made by horny republicans in the mid 1970’s.

Sinn Fein have called on the PSNI to ‘come clean’ over the allegations, believing that they have been involved in a hidden pan-unionist agenda to halt the nationalist population increase since the troubles began. These concerns are thought to have been noted by the nationalist leadership as early as the mid 1970’s however, resulting in decisive retaliation. “We tricked them into starting the famous power-cuts at the Coolkeegrah power station in 1976 when all the workers went on strike” said unnamed republican. “Sure everyone knows there’s never anything else to do but ride when the heating and electric are out”.

Though these claims remain unconfirmed at the time of going to press, Altnagalvin Hospital records do show an incredible increase in births approximately 9 months after these events, marking the biggest baby boom in Derry’s history. The recent slump though is causing concern for the Republicans of Derry, who slammed the PSNI and the RUC before them for their constant denials of involvement in the population drop. “Its no surprise that no-one is getting up the duff these days, sure every fucker knows they have been firing rubbers into the bogside for years” said one.

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