Pure Derry

THE SICK SENSE

Halloween thrill seekers, who have been staking out a house in Carnhill for the last two weeks hoping to catch sight of one of Derry’s most famous ghosts, got a massive fright this week, when the spectre did not turn up for work. The nameless ghost bride, who is supposed to appear in the window of the Carnhill house on moonlit nights, has gone on the sick recently, adding to an already alarming rate of absenteeism in the ghost community.

Last month, residents living in the Lowrys lane area, were nastily shocked to not see any more sightings of a priests head rolling the down the hill from scalp mountain, causing immediate panic in the community. This follows a frightening experience for Rosemount residents, when an evil headless horse disappeared shortly after being really nice to a group of drunks leaving the Village Inn. Local taxpayers are now up in arms at the situation, disgusted at the notion of contributing towards the benefit payments of layabout ghosts intent on sponging off society.

A source close to death hinted to PureDerry that the town was now seeing a full-on ghost strike fuelled by bad working conditions citywide. Many ghosts, who have been walking through walls and appearing at windows at houses all over the city, have recently had to endure years of tacky renovation work by house-proud Majellas. “It just doesn’t have the same scary effect when I walk from the kitchen into living room through stained class partition doors” said one ghost in Creggan “and to make it worse” he continued “…they have built an extension out side of the house now too and took away my wee spooky window. Yee can’t really scare people through velux attic window systems. They just aren’t the same!”

“Though I did startle a pigeon last week” he happily reflected.

People in communities all over Derry are now believed to be secretly meeting at each others houses under the cover of darkness, to tell each other terrifying ghostless stories and swap frightening tales of the lack of ghostly sightings. The City Council, who are currently backing several ghost trails around the town such as the Halloween bus tour and the Toucan One Fright cruise, tried to play down the fiasco, claiming that Derry “still had plenty of scary sights”. Alternate tours to Frankie Ramsey’s, the Telstar, John St and Moss Park are now thought to be on the agenda.

PURE DERRY'S TOP TIPS FOR HALLOWEEN

We at Pure Derry are always concerned about your safety and so we have decided to ask health and safety experts to give you some tips on staying safe this Halloween night.

Be careful with Fireworks.

We all know that fireworks are dangerous, especially if you try and shove them up a cat’s arse or launch them from the crack of your bumcheeks, so be careful. Many fireworks are bought from illegal stalls. This is bad!! Customs Officer John Scratchnsniff told us "We are looking to stamp out illegal fireworks by 2010, but the smugglers are crafty bastards! We heard a rumour that they were trying to get them into the country inside fag cartons, but when we swooped, all we found were thousands of packets of useless oul cigarettes from Spain or somewhere".

Keep Warm

Mrs Marion Myers, a concerned Derry resident contacted us and told us it is vital to keep warm on Halloween, because last year she went as a Hawaiian Dancer and got a cold that lasted until Christmas.

"It is absolutely necessary to keep warm. Girls going out in wee short skirts and skimpy tops should remember that it’s not all about how good you think you look. No, that’s right, it’s all about how good everyone else thinks you look!! There is warmth in numbers, so my advice is to go around in a big massive group of people. About 20 or 30 people should suffice. Remember heat rises too, so make your way up to the Derry walls if you can and drink plenty of hot liquids. If you cant get soup or tea in a Thermos, then stolen WKD, Smirnoff Ice and Magners will do.”

Drink Sensibly

That’s right, don’t gulp your vodka! Take plenty of time between sips and make sure it doesn’t go down the wrong passage. If you are drinking your alcohol through a straw, make sure it’s held firmly against the side of the container with your finger. 62% of Halloween casualties at Altnagelvin last year were caused by improper and inconsiderate use of drinks straws and ranged from broken noses, cracked ribs, dislocated shoulders and mass head trauma. If you see someone stupidly using a straw in an incorrect manner, then make sure you tell them in no uncertain terms how much of a prick they are. Get your mates to back you up on this.

Stay Safe

We contacted the PSNI and asked them for their advice on keeping safe this Halloween. Chief Inspector Sonnie Jim told us "I’m really sorry, but we're up to our eyes at the moment trying to catch fag smugglers, but we are having no luck at all. All we're finding are fuckin fireworks hidden inside the packets” he said “those Gobnascallians are getting craftier.”

“Have you a light?" He added.

We hope you heed this advice given by the experts and trust that you have a Pure Scary Derry Halloween.

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