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Unionist Politicians Quick To Condemn The Republicans Responsible For Loyalist Rioting, Looting, Hijackings, Robbings And Bombings In Belfast
Unionist leaders from across Northern Ireland have made heartfelt pleas for calm in the midst of the destruction which has been waged in Loyalist communities recently. And, in the aftermath of loyalists' shooting, stabbing, bombing police and armed forces, hijacking vehicles, robbing the elderly at gunpoint, destroying shop-fronts, looting, blockading traffic and waving swords about, Unionist leaders have pledged to immediately track down the Republicans responsible.
The trouble all started when Republicans objected to being intimidated in their homes by the Orange Order historical society and asked the Parades Commission for help. The Parades Commission's enforcement of their rights was met with an understandable reaction from the order, namely 'hitting people with swords'.
The order itself has taken no responsibility upon itself for the weekend's violence, devastation and improper swordsmanship. "People are angry here," said an Orange Order spokesman today. "They've seen the footage of Republicans in the 60s and know from the cultural precedent set back then that if you go out on the streets and attack the police you'll get results. Fair enough, they were different circumstances, but I feel the denial of our right to walk through Catholic neighbourhoods is just as incendiary as denying Catholics a vote, protection under the law or the right to own property."
Reg Empey declined to condemn attacks upon the Royal Irish Regiment with bricks, bottles, petrol bombs, gunfire and the occasional sword as he was busy preparing a campaign against the "reckless and premature disbandment" of the Royal Irish Regiment.
An angry David Ervine strode into the Pure Belfast news room to let rioters, looters and gunmen off the hook in the harshest possible terms. He later stormed out after Pure Belfast offered to fix him a pot of tea, or as he called it, a ‘Cauldron of Stimulus’.
Education Corner
THE WEEK IN BRIEF : TIMELINE OF TERROR
Thursday 12:00 Catholics of the Springfield estate maintain their objection to parade running through their area. Unionists decry this move as being out of spite rather than their purported fear of violence from the Orange Order or their supporters - none of whom, of course, are violent types.
12:30 'Cauldron of animosity' as referred to by David Ervine spews over as an entire community becomes incensed and, understandably, turns to violence as a last resort. Youths given no choice but to operate from the existing petrol bomb factory they would otherwise have used for peaceful means.
14:00 Extreme confusion for some Orange Men who'd spent the past month campaigning with brethren in support of army's presence in Northern Ireland. Entire lodges unsure whether to attack or protect a lone member of the soon to be disbanded Royal Irish Regiment, eventually decide to rapidly alternate between shaking his hand and punching his face.
21:43 David Ervine blames the violence on the 'cauldron of frustration' lower class loyalists feel regarding their economic standing. Belfast's Catholics, all of whom live in opulent mansions, fail to grasp their concerns.
Friday 05:00 Publication of Bertie Ahern's memoirs postponed for last minute additions to Chapter 17, 'Thank God For The Border'.
06:00 Newspapers and media all over Britain forced to once again remind people that Northern Ireland is actually part of their country. David Ervine refers to the situation as a 'cauldron of papers'.
09:00 Loyalists complain to Blair's government about fuel tax hike - constructing petrol bombs now prohibitively expensive for young people on low income. Government's raising of sword taxes also extremely unpopular.
13:56 Police release doves into the air while blasting Van Morrisson's uplifting peace anthem 'Days Like This' at the crowd in the hopes of subduing them with good will and love for their fellow man but to no avail. Doves later spotted overhead sobbing in desperation at man's inhumanity to man.
14:22 International Relief Effort attempts to help the deteriorating condition of Orange Men in crisis by offering 20 miles of Belgian road for emergency marching. Airlifts to the hastily cleared Belgian motorway, specially populated with Catholic families at the Order's request, would be used by some 14,000 Orange Men in the next 6 hours.
17:02 British adults everywhere watch attentively as Newsround explains the whole Northern Ireland thing with colourful maps.
18:00 Statement promised to the TV News by David Ervine never materialises. Ervine later claims it was eaten by a 'Cauldron of dogs'.
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