Pure Derry

MASSIVE CHEQUES DRAW A BLANK

Department editors at the local papers have gone into panic today, as an ongoing crisis in the financial world deepens even further. Due to recent strikes in the UK mainland within the British Printers and Lithographers Union, nationwide stocks of big massive cheques are at an all time low.

Press journalists and photographers in the town are now believed to be very nervous as a result, and are frantically working on a series of backup plans should the worst case scenario become a reality. As a result, several local hacks are currently scouring the city waiting to cover other monumental presentations and prizegiving ceremonies.

A representative from McDonalds Gold-Star Staff Training Programme was unavailable for comment today on the situation, but it is widely believed that several employees are ready to graduate with honours in chicken nugget and filet of fish preparation.

Scores of Derry shop and office workers, most of whom were destined to look embarrassed anyway, were left literally empty handed this week, when cheques could not be located for several newsworthy donations to charities no-one has ever heard of before. Quick thinking journalists at the Derry News were not so easily put off however, later reporting several presentations of I.O.U notes written on the back of old rolls of wallpaper.

Such is the panic at the Journal though, that many journalists are believed to be offering large sums of money to buy big massive cheques on the black market. At one donation presentation last week at Muff Filling Station, one staff member reportedly witnessed a cheque being bought for almost £150. The donation, an £84 whip-around for the Greencastle Housewives Seaweed Preservation Society later appeared in an edition of the paper.

“This shows our commitment to bringing the stories that matter to the people that count” said Prat McGart of the Journal. “We leave no stone unturned in our quest to bring the Derry public the very best in local news, even when it’s not worth the paper it’s printed on”.

CIVIL SERVANT ILLNESS REVEALED

An (un)startling illness prevalent among 30,000+ Northern Ireland Civil Servants has reached epidemic proportions Pure Derry can reveal. The illness, known locally as NICSitis, was previously TOP SECRET, but was made public when the Freedom of Information Act came into force earlier this year.

Symptoms of NICSitis are difficult to spot and can sometimes be misdiagnosed as lazybastarditis, another illness rampant among the 'guardians of the public sector'.

NICSitis symptoms include spending long periods of the working day on the internet, using the telephone to make long personal calls and using the computer to play solitaire. Other symptoms which may occur include ingestion of copious amounts of tea and coffee, the excessive usage of 'smoke breaks' and a tendency to take 2 hour lunch breaks. Known locally as, “ripping the balls out of it”.

Other reported symptoms include falling asleep at the workstation, laughing at humorous viral emails sent by other sufferers, using post-it note blocks to make pornographic stickmen animation flipbooks and humorously swapping the lids colours on their colleague’s biro-pens.

Ironically, courses, meetings and seminars planned by the Civil Service on how to implement and react to the illness led to a sudden upsurge in cases. Several team-leaders reported unacceptably high levels or eye-glazing, ear-flicking, note-passing, sniggering, head-scratching and window-gazing.

"I'm absolutely disgusted that this has been allowed to go on for so long.” said Fileblock McCarron from the Department of Jobs and Benefits. “However at the same time I'm happy that something is now being done about it.”

“We're having a meeting this afternoon to decide on the way forward and to discuss yesterday's meeting about tea breaks, we're also having a meeting tomorrow about today's meeting and hopefully a follow-up meeting next week to implement the chosen suggestions from the same meeting.”

When we contacted the head of the Northern Ireland Civil Service for his opinion on the revelations, he was unavailable for comment. His secretary told us "He was at a meeting".

Rank and file employees all over the province are delighted that this issue is finally being addressed, Lisa Marie Triplicate told us that, "as long as the address labels used to address this issue are Avery Standard then things will definitely improve"

Late Giros and interruption to benefit payments are a few side effects of the illness. Six months wait for MOT and Driving tests are a few of the more serious implications caused by NICSitis.

Among the measures that are being taken to combat NICSitis involves the shedding of important posts at the most high profile departments. One area included is the Water Service, where at least 800 sufferers of NICSitis will be incorporated into the private sector. Other sufferers will learn in due course the fate of their own work place health in a report due to published later this year.

"Isn't it great" said B.F. Copier, "At long last we'll have to work for our pay"

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