Pure Derry

Orange Order To Buy Bus - "About Fucking Time" Say Tired Loyalists

The Orange Order have confirmed today that, in response to continual pressure from their members, they will finally buy a bus for use in their parades. Their current mode of transport, walking en masse for hours with banners, flutes and drums, has drawn criticism from members who consider it "needlessly complex and overly tiring".

"On a march day," says committed Orange man Nigel Dodds, "I'll get up as early as 7am to get myself ready for the march, all the gear the suit the hat, the gloves, my sash. It's a nightmare. Then at around 9 I set off and well, we walk and walk and walk for hours. It's very tiring, and really there's no point to it. I mean, I'm interested in the history of the battlegrounds and that, but do we have to cover it all by foot? And all these musicians and banners, are they really necessary? We're a historical society for God's sake. Not an army."

Dodds concerns are echoed by Lodge Chairman, Robert Saulters, who has for some time been trying to wrest the order away from the needlessly protracted business of walking everywhere with as much fanfare as possible. "Take the route of the 12th. It takes us hours and we're blocking main roads and causing quite a bit of disturbance with all those bands and that. I mean, nobody's complained, but really I wouldn't like to think that my hobby was putting anybody out."

"And that's exactly it," says Dodds, "I mean I read the other day that some Catholics weren't exactly best pleased with the whole thing and I suddenly thought - 'God! We're kindof, in a way what we're doing is celebrating their ancestors' deaths!'. And, I mean, that's not how we meant it at all!"

"No," says Saulters, "not at all! We were shocked and appalled to hear that some Catholics felt that way, and in the end it was that revelation which led to the council unanimously passing the resolution to buy the bus. God, we just felt terrible about the whole thing."

But also foremost in their minds was the exertion required of marchers to get from route to route. Says Saulters, "Many of our members are quite old and walking is just not feasible for them, especially not for 6 or 7 hours on the hottest day of the year! So we can pack ourselves in a big bus for about 45 minutes, air conditioning on and just drive through every route we want to and talk about the history in a relaxed atmosphere."

"And the best part," says Dodds, "is we can stick on some music and save ourselves the bother of packing all those drums and flutes etc. And play any music we like as well! I know I shouldn't really be saying this, but I'm not the biggest fan of that kind of music anyway. I'm more of an ABBA man myself."

Some people have criticised the move, claiming it to be an affront to the tradition of truly recreating King William's marching on foot to battle. Saulters dismisses this.

"Bollocks," he says, "I don't think King Billy ever wore a bowler hat, and he certainly didn't have a black brolly. We are a historical society dedicated to commemmorating some moments in our past. We'd much rather be reading old texts from battle in our local libraries, excavating battle sites or making period costumes than causing trouble."

"It's not rocket science. Why should our penchant for history bother those who consider the bitter and violent war over this land an abomination?"

MAZE SPORTS STADIUM PLAN FOR THE HIGH JUMP

The 2012 British Olympic Organising Committee have changed their plans to stage Olympic football matches at the proposed Maze Sports Stadium outside Belfast. Ultra Conservative Peer, Lord Sebastian Cool told Pure Derry late last night that it would “not be necessary to carry out any building work at the former prison as it’s present condition will prove more than adequate for the staging of Olympic events.”

London 2012 Chairperson The Princess Royal, Princes Horsefeathers, said, “We have carried out a thorough inspection of HMP Maze and it will make a great venue along with our new stadium at Stratford in London’s East End. We feel that the outer security wall will be perfect for the pole vault event. The weight room, which was a favourite of Johnny ‘Mad Dog’ Adair and his associates, has all the facilities needed for the power lifting events”.

Prime Minister Tony Blair continued, “Given the predilection towards gun sports in the Province we expect to see enormous interest in the twelve bore rifle competition and other shooting events. We will also be able to develop an excellent running track in the former exercise yard for the100meter dash to freedom.”

In keeping with the sensitive time of year that the thirtieth Olympiad will be staged, competitors in the walking marathon will be expected to don bowler hats and sashes as they walk past flash point areas along a contentious route. In fact the walk will pass the Ardoyne shops on four occasions and we hope that thousand of supporters turn up and make as much noise as possible.”

Olympic gold medal winner, Fartinma Whitbread said he/she was also “delighted” and confirmed that the Ulster contribution to the games will include some new events in the Olympic programme that will be of interest to the Northern Irish public. Mr/Ms Whitbread said. “In keeping with tradition we will have indigenous sports added to the events calendar. There will be tunnel-digging events, petrol bomb throwing competitions and fencing. There will be more fencing than spectators have ever seen at any previous games”.

Lord Cool concluded, ”There is also enough accommodation to comprise an entire Olympic Village in the Maze, though admittedly security may be a headache. Given the fact that so many IRA men managed to break out of British jails in years gone by, we have to accept that breaking back in shouldn’t be too hard.”

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