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NEXT YEARS TWELFTH A WASH OUT
Researchers from Benfied Hazard Research Centre at University College London have revealed a doomsday scenario that could very well see an end to the traditional marching routes of the Norths’ Orange Order parades. As a result of their work the wild haired boffins have predicted that large swathes of the country will be submerged under 200 feet of water by this time next year.
Their information has produced the first detailed maps of the possible impact that global warming will have on the annual four month long jamboree known as the “marching season”. The absolute worst-case scenario is that should the entire Antarctic Ice Sheet melt much of the province will vanish. This will put the annual twelfth celebrations in considerable jeopardy.
Professor Tushima Tsunami said, “Our research suggests that the entire Foyle Basin will succumb within the next twelve months. The only Derry people likely to survive will be those living in areas more than 200 feet above sea level. Craigavon Bridge will be no more as will Carlisle Road, the Diamond and Bishop Street. It is our belief that the Orangemen will have to rethink their planned route for next year and if they are going to have a parade at all it will have to be held in either Gobnascale or Creggan as those areas will be the only surviving parts of the city. It’s as simple as that.”
The self appointed head of the Bogside Residents Group, Deborah O’Bonehead, said, “We have been in contact with the Parades Commission regarding the plans for next year and we have informed them, in no uncertain terms, that in the event of the expected deluge I will be the leader of the Creggan Residents Group and that the Orange Order will have to talk to me if they want to walk around Creggan.”
Members of the Independent Orange Order led by the Reverend Ian Paisley say they are “unfazed” by the predictions of impending doom. The Grand Cyclopes of the Order, Cedric Burntaigs said, “This situation is of no concern to us. Sure we all know that Free Presbyterians can walk on water. It is written in the good book.”
Professor Tsunami who is also a high-ranking member of the Ancient Order of Hibernians and the GAA concluded, “Derry city will not be the only area affected. Many people will be delighted to know that Coleraine, Limavady, Portadown, Bangor, Newtownards, Ballymena, Larne and Craigavon will also disappear. Parts of Belfast will also be swamped. These areas will include all of East Belfast and the Shankill Road. My advice to Roman Catholics is to run for the hills.”
Chief Superintendent Wesley “Stormy” Watters of the PSNI Sub-Aqua Division said, “We don’t expect the rising water levels to pose any operational difficulties for us. Our men will be on duty in their high visibility scuba-diver riot fatigues and they will be able to handle all eventualities. In fact we are currently redeveloping our plastic bullets for under water use. All future plastic bullets will come complete with a dorsal fin.”
FIELD OF DREAMS
Derry's teenagers and underage drinking population have hit out at the lack of both privacy and decent facilities in the city. The criticism comes after it was reported that an un-named woman and her husband observed two "young teenagers" having sex in the field at around 8.30 p.m. on Saturday night.
DISGUSTED
"I was just disgusted," the woman said. "My husband had been upstairs in our house when he suddenly came running down saying that he was going out to get the wain who was playing in the field".
It was later suggested that her husband was in fact going to get his camcorder so he could record the incident.
Spotrick McAcne a spoksperson for the underage drinking campaign group ‘Swear Ma Were Just Goin De the Bowlin Alley’ contacted Pure Derry to speak of his outrage at the news. "Who do these people think they are" he said.
"We work hard all week at school and come the weekend we like to relax a little. As far as I can see we aren't doing anything wrong. My big brother goes out every weekend and gets drunk and gets a ride and you don't read about him in the paper!!"
“…..Unless you count them pictures of him in the Derry News down at the Bimbo Beach Club. …… and the wains christening in the Journal…… aye and that one other time…..”
COMPLAINTS
Since the revelation that adults have been perving on hedonistic teenagers in Lowry's Lane, the Pure Derry newsroom has been swamped with complaints from teens all over the city about the lack of decent drinking facilities in the city in modern times.
Unfortunate redevelopment has seen many of the cities drinking landmarks disappear, including the Foyle St 'Band Stand', the Bay Road, the Foyle Arts Centre, the Creggan Rez and the Collon Lane.
“There’s just nowhere decent to go and get hammered anymore” said 15 year old Gelflick McDaid. “Me ma is always going on about the great times she used to have drinking up the Rez and how she first met me da up there. She loves telling that story.”
“……and one of these days soon, she is definitely gonna remember his name, for defs!”
CATASTROPHE
Aside from the rapidly vanishing drinking spots in town, the surge of cheap drink at multi-national owned pubs like the Lice Wharf are hitting Derry hard. Sales at local off-licences across the city have dropped drastically, causing stocks in the Quare Value booze empire to drop 6 points on the DOOTSIE index in recent weeks.
“The wains have started heading to the pubs now instead” said Hiccup McCarron of Quare Value. "Lowry's lane is one of the last remaining bastions for teenage debauchery in Derry, and pretty soon that'll be lost to redevelopment. We will have no customers left except the taps and drunks who stand at the corner" He lamented.
“Please give generously” he appealed.
The field at the centre of this storm is in the middle of another ongoing row in the community, which is causing arguments between angry residents. The area is being considered for use as a GAA facility, which will see the entire field being fenced off and used exclusively by big fellas from up the country. Buck McTuskan, a concerned local is disgusted by the plans, claiming it will take away the only decent local amenity for kids in the area.
“Where will they go to fly their kites now?” he demanded
ALSO THIS WEEK.....
Getting shit from the dole about not being able to find a job? Here's the proof you need......
Real screenshot of the homepage of NI based JobCentreOnline.com
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Other Headlines
Derry republican echoes feelings of the community on the re-emergence of tri-color kerbstones in the Bogside. “Ack it takes me back 20 years so it does!”
The Ulster Unionist Council members have declared that they are delighted to be “running on Empey”. Sir Reg Empey said, “As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be a United Kingdom in the end. Amen.”
Derry man strenuously denies being a gambling addict during recent court appearance. "I'll bet yee a fiver am not!!" said Shortpen McDermott of Creggan Heights.
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