Pure Derry

MAGEE "CORRIDOR OF LEARNING" CONCEPT UNVIELED

Magee University have finally unveiled their ambitious plans for the much anticipated ‘Corridor of Learning’ concept to a waiting Derry public. Starting at the North West Institute, the ‘corridor’ will run right along Derry’s Northland Road, and include the highly anticipated Magee extension, the current Magee campus, Templemore School and the newly acquired Foyle and Londonderry Senior School.

The University have already agreed in principle to buy this land from Foyle College, who have taken the dramatic step of enrolling all their students the British army. Disappointing exam grades in recent years, in which several students shockingly managed not to achieve A*star grades, have left school governors furious. This, coupled with the steady decline of 17 year old A-Level students driving £32,000 coupe sports cars have taken their toll.

Education leaders however have voiced their concerns over the project, referring to Magee’s suggested course changes as ‘extremely confusing’. Magee though claim the courses are necessary in today’s society, offering what they refer to as "different necessary skills".

The courses under the project are set to include “BA Hons in Bar Code Assessment and Product Order Management”, “BSc Hons in Problem Solving Across a Telecommunications Infrastructure”, “BA in Follicle Maintainance and Applied Aesthetics”, “BEng in Nutritional Dispensation in an Accelerated Environment.” and “BSc in Physics & Applied Forces on Ink Based Implements”

”The ‘corridor of learning’ will be an invaluable asset for Derry students…” said Prof Brains DeBurn of Magee. “….by leading students directly along the Northland Road as they hone their knowledge and skills, we to are able to fast-track graduates to their ultimate career paths, and get them ready for a life in industry.”

Professor DeBurns refused to comment however, when Pure Derry pointed out that the ‘corridor’ seemed to finish at the Buncrana Rd site inhabited by Stream International, Seagate, B&Q and Tesco.

Magee would not comment on the “corridor of learning” concept any further, instead choosing to promote their new college logo and corporate identity to an awaiting press. “Its great, and really gives the college a fresh new look for the new millennium” said acting Vice-Chancellor: Professor Richard Barnett. “We’re loving it”.

WHAM TAN THANK YOU MAM

Tanning Salons throughout the city have united in condemnation of “Deranged Communion Mothers” who caused thousands of pounds worth of damage to their facilities after it emerged that every sunbed in the Derry area had been block-booked for the month of May. "Supply unfortunately did not meet demand this year, and we have paid an unreasonable price" claimed Riviera Bakes of Waterloo Place. “Many mothers, or Communion Mothers as we like call them, had pre-booked sessions as far back as last year. We anticipated an irate response from the more disorganised families, but we did not bargain for the scenes at our outlets over the past couple of weeks!”

Pure Derry News can reveal that a gang of up to 50 Derry Communion Mothers were caught on camera at one salon throwing communion umbrella’s through the windows, jamming Rosary beads into sunbed operating systems, and setting fire to hundreds of Holy Communion prayer books, causing severe smoke damage to the premises.

“That these vandals were so intent on causing damage to a facility that is of such great importance at this time of year is sickening.” said Martina Mullet-Swoosh of Rivera Bakes. “My heart goes out to the hundreds of poor unfortunate wains who had to make their First Holy Communion with faces whiter than their wee outfits”

“God only knows how the photographs turned out!” she added in an exacerbated tone.

Indeed, reports are emerging that children who could not avail of any tanning facilities due to the vandalism, have since begun bullying their more swarthy classmates in spates of jealousy since the fateful communion events. One distressed Mother contacted the Pure Derry News to reveal that her child had ended up falling and breaking her leg after being chased by a frenzied group of children wielding a bottle of talcum powder. The child was rushed to Altnegalvin immediately, but treatment took longer than normal due to the mothers insistence that she wouldn’t allow her child to be x-rayed.

“I don’t trust them machines, and I’m certainly not putting my wain into one” she said.

Both the W.E.L.B. and the PSNI have united in condemnation of the actions of the tardier section of Derry’s “Communion Mothers”, quickly launching investigations into the vandalisms. As a result, Several mothers are now being brought up on charges for the acts of vandalism, with heavy fines expected for those involved.

“It’s a bloody disgrace” said Janice Peroxide, a mother of roughly 5-8 children from Rosemount. “First we have to put up with the indignity of sitting in mass with the wain lookin so pale, and now this!”

“I had her ears pierced three to each ear and her hair highlighted to make up for it, but nothin’ could take that oul pale luk off her face! Yee can can hardly blame us for being angry!”

“I dunno how they expect me to pay a bloody fine. I’m skint after buying that outfit, hiring the limousine and paying for the restaurant. We’re probably gonna have to use the wains communion money for this now, which is hardly fair!!”

“….I was gonna use that to pay the phone bill!”

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