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Strabane Wristband Announced
Derry's cornershops announced today that the long-awaited Strabane wristband would be on sale citywide.
Due to popular demand, the wristband has been manufactired specifically for the Derry market, as charitable Derry folk persistently attempt to help the poor town out.
"We were getting requests literally four or five times an hour for these wristbands," claims local Shopkeeper Myra of Creggan. "They'd want Cancer or Multiple Sclerosis or Autism as well yeah, but increasingly those would be sold out and the Strabane requests kept piling up, and I mean we felt terrible, we had absolutely nothing to give them"
Shopkeepers and staff have repeatedly reported over the past few weeks a growing feeling of agitation among Derry's population about Strabane, and what to do about it's sufferers.
"I suppose the feeling many concerned Derry folk like me had was, you know, 'out of sight out of mind', if you're not from Strabane, maybe you wouldn't be aware of just how terrible it is," says John O'Neill, of Straband-aid, the foundation currently selling the wristbands.
"With this product, however, you're not just showing solidarity with the people of Strabane, but spreading awareness of Strabane, and that's an important step to what we want, which is a full cure for Strabane within the next 10 years."
Scientists say such a cure is a long way off, but applaud the foundation's attempts. "A cure for Strabane isn't likely that soon, anyone familiar with sufferers of Moville will be aware of that, but this is a step in the right direction, and who knows, if it's successful, we might be talking of a breakthrough in the next 10-20 years."
At time of printing, as many as 20,000 people are estimated to still be from Strabane.
Derry Pensioners warned to “get in line or walk it home” by exasperated Translink Bosses.
After a tense stand off between paying commuters and a group of what were described as “queue skipping coffin-dodger scum” at a Ballymac bus-stop, Translink bosses have decided to enforce a “Three-strikes and ye walk!” rule to bus users over the age of 65. The move comes after a group of six Ballymac pensioners, who travel for free on all Translink services, walked straight to the front of a large Bus queue in the Derry suburb, ignoring pleas from commuters to “wait in line” and that “we were here before you!”
“After what has seemed like a never ending stream of complaints from Derry commuters to Translink about the antics of this thug element using the buses, we’ve taken the drastic step of banning any passengers of pension-able age if they abuse queue etiquette after two initial warnings”, stated Michael-George Mullan of Derry Translink yesterday. “It is hoped that this policy will send a message to our senior citizens throughout the city that this facility is not an exclusive chauffeur service for the over 65’s, and that the needs of other paying passengers have to be considered!”
Ballymac Community leader Alfonsis “Foncey” McGrath has welcomed the move. “We’ve basically had enough of the bully-boy antics of the elderly in this area” claimed Foncey. “They ride the buses for free, and yet they can’t adhere to simple bus queue etiquette, unlike the rest of us paying users who follow it to the letter! There is a reason for waiting in line and it’s to ensure that whoever arrives at the stop first boards the bus first, thus ensuring cross-generational fairness and harmony. But these free-loaders seem to think that old age is a ticket to do whatever the fuck they want, and this simply has got to stop!”
One disgruntled Ballymac Bus user, who has asked to remain nameless for fear of reprisals, claims she tried to reason with the pensioners during the weekend fracas, only to be met with loud tuts and vigorous head shaking from the unruly rabble. “There really was no talking to them. They were able to tell each and every member of the queue who their parents were and which parent they looked like the most, where their Grand Parents hailed from originally in the city, and whether we all attended mass or not on a Sunday. I mean, how they knew such detailed and personal information about us is a mystery, not to mention illegal!” This claim is also backed up by the PSNI who, when contacted by Pure Derry news to comment on the weekends incident, assured us that they had already been investigating Derry pensioners for their seemingly never-ending knowledge of the family histories of practically everyone in town. “Numerous incidents involving senior citizens of the city are currently being monitored, including queue skipping and possession of illegal and highly sensitive information” assured Constable Hamilton-Smith from the Strand Road Barracks. “I’d like to express my support for Translink’s “Three-strikes and ye walk!” initiative, and reassure the under 65’s of Derry that we are working hard to control the city’s out of control elderly community and their constant disregard for not only queue etiquette, but also goods-returns policies, Post office opening hours, the usage of cash points and the hogging of Buncrana’s one-armed bandit machines to name but a few area’s of concern”.
Paddy Bogside refused to comment.
IN OTHER NEWS.....
New Citywide Youth Behaviour Initiative Launched
The local council and the PSNI have teamed up in what they claim is “the hardest crackdown on anti social behaviour yet seen in Northern Ireland”. The ‘Naw Seriously Hi Gon Wise Up’ campaign was launched last week in a blitz of press coverage at the City hotel, with officers and councillors alike claiming it will remove the ‘bad elements’ in our society once and for all. Armed with a plethora of specialist knowledge and information, custodians of the campaign hope to show the youth of today ‘the error of their ways’ and allow them to ‘turn over a new leaf’.
Demonstrations given at the event, showed officers in action, as they dispensed hard hitting messages such as ‘Drugs R 4 Mugs’, ‘It wasn’t like that back in my day’ and ‘I know your da ya wee cunt!’. They also revealed a new line of psychological questioning, asking test subjects sensitive information such as ‘Would yee do that in yer own house?’ and ‘What would yer ma think if she seen you doing that?’.
The campaign comes on the back of the its successful predecessor, ‘Fer god’s sake yee’s need dae catch yerselves on’, which officers claim helped reduce drug problems city wide. Drug peddling at school playgrounds around the town has been totally wiped according to officers, a stark contrast to the dark days of a bygone era, when local colleges such as Grange Hill Secondary were plagued by such menacing criminals.
Another Chance To See a Crap Boat
Thanks to yet another full page article in the recent press, Purederry has today learnt that yet another ridiculously piss poor army vessel from a lightweight military country has docked at the banks of our fair city. The German Navy Vessel ‘Westerweld’ was in town until yesterday, allowing bored families the chance to come onboard to experience life on the high seas. Crowds marvelled at the skilful butch lesbian sailors, as they masterfully communicated in morse-code using bunting stolen from lampposts at Kilfennan during last years marching season.
This follows hot on the heels of the fleet of Canadian military vessels which docked only weeks ago, and shows the councils steadfast insistence on bringing top quality entertainment to the city. Future vessels expected to arrive in the city include the ‘H.M.S. Sainsbury’s Shopping Trolley’, the ‘U.S.S. Crisp Packet’ and the ‘F.S. Dog Turd’.
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