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DUP Announce Gala Night of "Dinner & Standing"
DUP Chief Ian Paisley has decided to celebrate his party's overwhelming victory at the polls by hosting a gala dinner, and in a trademark show of fecundity, the resilient reverend, who regards all dancing as sinful and equivalent to sexual intercourse with the dark lord Satan, has announced there will be standing on offer after the meal has ended.
"Well," opined the Rev Dr, "I just thought that after such a victory, nothing could be more apt than to rejoice with a slap-up meal and afterwards revel in the wholesome pleasantries of standing about to the accompaniment of music."
A specially erected standfloor has been installed at the Free Presbyterian Parish Hall in Ballymena and the talents of Sammy "DJ Sammy Wilson MLA" Wilson have been enlisted to keep the crowds happy with some "top quality stand music".
"Oh, I'm sure everyone will be delighted," enthuses Wilson, "I've managed to procure quite a coup here actually, I really shouldn't be telling you, but I've enlisted the help of some professional disco standers to get up on stage and really show the crowd how to do it. You'd better believe they'll go wild when they see how capably they refuse to move in any way to the beat."
In a startling show of conciliation, DUP insiders also revealed that a cross-community flavour was being planned for the party, as a demonstration of the commitment to diversity that the party have assumed since their recent election victory.
"Well, I would be loath to think that any peace loving member of the Catholic or Nationalist community would feel unwelcome here," said party organiser Peter Robinson. "And it is to that end that I can announce that I have booked, as a cross-cultural exercise, some young traditional Irish standers to perform tonight for the enjoyment of the whole community!"
"These talented young ladies will be dressed in full Irish standers' dress and will be standing to a medley of 'jigs' and 'reels' - I must say, as anyone who saw Riverstand can attest, it's an artform not to be missed!"
Such plans are just the tip of the iceberg according to Robinson, who is keeping future plans mostly under wraps, but did give some cryptic references to future party celebrations.
"Well, let's just say we've been working at local council level with some urban music and the next DUP gala may well even feature some Break Standing - that I'm sure you won't want to miss!".
CryinAir Holds City of Derry Airport to Ransom
The Ombudsmans Office in Belfast this week announced that it was dealing with what it termed as a ‘Clash of Intellect’ in a dispute which has recently erupted between City of Derry Airport and cheap-skate budget human freight airline CryinAir.
The announcement is set to shake up the relationship between the Council owned facility and the English hub-based Irish airline.
The disagreement is in respect of an engineering malfunction which took place at the airport several days ago. A CryinAir Boeing 747-800 was said to be moving along the airports Taxiway Alpha after landing, when the pilot, Captain John O’Jobsworth, noticed that a taxiway lighting bulb was not operating at that time. Captain O’Jobsworth then decided to call a full emergency situation. Shutting down both engines and deploying the emergency escape chutes. He then called in a Category Risk Accident Procedure (CRAP) mayday call to the tower. All fire service crews at the airport where deployed to the scene, aswell as six tenders from Northland Road and Crescent Link fire stations in Derry. An emergency response helicopter was dispatched from Belfast along with a team of medical experts from the trauma unit at the Royal Victoria Hospital. In all, over 60 emergency personnel were present at the scene, where a routine demonstration of finger pointing and the filling in of sheets of paper took place.
All flights to the airport were cancelled and a single flight from Dublin was redirected to Belfast. In other words, there was no disruption to normal airport services, as no passengers were on the Dublin flight anyway.
An airport spokesman said that there were no fatalities or injuries during the landing or taxiing phase. However six people suffered major bone fractures and one man had to have emergency treatment for an in grown toe nail after falling off the emergency escape chute. The man was treated at the site before being airlifted to Hospital in Manchester for surgery.
Several days later CryinAir claimed that the airport was technically at fault for the emergency and demanded that Derry City Council repay the costs incurred by the loss of services to the airline during the emergency. Micheal O’Bleary, the tight arsed open shirted casual director of CryinAir said “If City of Derry Airport can’t maintain a proper standard of airfield worthiness, then we have the right to either halt all services into that airfield or recoup our losses as incurred by the loss of trade”. The Council representative on the airport board, Councillor Charlie Crush followed Mr O’Blearys statement by asking the airport manager, Mr Sean Seamus John Humpy, if the airport runway was really a field.
Mr O’Bleary further commented that the airport should now accept liability for the incident and instigate a number of measures to prevent the same thing happening again. He said “City of Derry airport should immediately replace all of the light bulbs on the airfield, knock down all the houses within a mile of both ends of the runway, extend the runway to able to land a jumbo jet, rename the airport Micheal O’Bleary International Airport, ban all other airlines from using the airport services and accept the airlines offer of only putting on one flight per day at 3 in the morning. Mr O’Bleary threatened that if these measures where not met within 10 days he would have no choice but to cancel all services to Derry.
Councillor Crush, said that they were definitely in a tricky situation and that no amount of hard bargaining could secure the future of the airport unless Mr O’Bleary’s request were met. “We sent the bulldozers in last night to knock on the doors of the houses” he said. Local residents of Donnybrewer Road, had this to say “Jesus Christ run for your lives!!!!”.
The extension to the runway and associated works are due to be completed next Saturday.
In other aviation news. Derry City Council rejects proposals for realistic lowcost airline Eazyplane, to begin operating 10 flights a day to London Heathrow and 15 other destinations daily. “Its just not economically viable for us” – Councillor C. Crush
Inquiry pending amid accusations of Doormen using excessive tact and diplomacy over the weekend.
Pure Derry was inundated with calls this week from perplexed Derry pub goers who claim that over the weekend door staff had been needlessly “respectful and courteous” when coaxing people out of public houses at closing time. One shell-shocked caller even went as far as to accuse bouncing staff of both “tact” and “diplomacy” this sceptical hack can reveal.
“A swear lik, I fought it was the WKD fuckin’ up me eyesight, but when a actually heard the words "Excuse me Sir, but would you mind drinking up as we would dearly like to get place red up in time for 2am" a near shat me shanty-whites there and then!”. The words of Swenty, a recovering Sweatro Bar regular, speaking from his Westway home yesterday.
His concerns were echoed across the town by hundreds of other confused revellers, some of which described the city’s doormen to be in a “Smiling trance-like state” and seeming to be "almost pleasant"when dealing with patrons at closing time.
Theresa TanBake, 15 from Carnhill, who was celebrating in Frowney’s Bar on Saturday, was equally appalled by the wantonly civilised treatment she received from the establishment's door staff. “I had wanted my Shanice’s christenin’ do to be at Frowney’s as me and me muckers usually have no boller gettin’ in. At chuckin’ out time everyone was well blocked and so I thought the same thing was gonna happen then as it did at me son Dakota’s christening party, where we all got beat-up by the bouncers for no particular reason other than it was closing time. But on Saturday we were escorted outside like Royalty, and when fight started between Shanice’s Da and Dakota’s Da the bouncers even stepped in de break it up, phoned the peelers, and put the rest of us in Taxi’s home out of harms way!” explained Theresa from her Rosnagalliah grace and favour council house.
Indeed, when the Derry Vintners Association was contacted about these allegations of Door staff chivalry they too refuted all allegations. With Chairperson, Big Swallies-Please going as far as to assure that a thorough investigation of the weekends courtesy-gone-mad antics would be carried out post haste.
“We expect the security employed on the doors of our establishments to be, by and large, pig-ignorant and irrational with quick tempers and heavy fists. We do aim for a select few to have vague paramilitary connections but would hope that most would at the very least enjoy a more casual, freehanded approach to senseless violence. You can imagine our anger and dismay at what happened over the weekend and we assure those affected that the individuals cited are not representative of the occupation as a whole”
"Any pleasantness is very much regretted."
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Other Headlines
“Derry smartest city in the UK” exclaims local press after stunning results in recent ‘Test the Nation’ quiz show on BBC. Derry once again showed its intellectual prowess, sweeping the board in a series of specialist subject rounds, including ‘Gay Bashing’, ‘Binge Drinking’, ‘Joyriding’, ’Double-Stitch Overlocking’, ‘Hard-Disk Assembly’ and ‘Hairdressing’.
Scientists at Magee University, who claim to have discovered a link between poverty and flabbyness in Derry, have come under criticism from residents. “I think it’s ludicrous” said Rosemount housewife Teresa Crowd. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get a taxi to the dole or else I’ll miss my appointment”
Drunken revellers are “throwing themselves” in front of cars in a bid to get late night taxis reports local press. Taxi drivers slam reckless youth for causing them to
swerve. Rest of Derry slams taxi drivers for swerving.
Fire bomb horror attack reported in Armagh, as Lithuanian poultry workers are terrorised at their homes. “Its terrible what happened to these fellas, but at the same time, I can understand the frustrations of locals, who feel threatened by folks coming from abroad to take our jobs” said long term unemployed DLA, housing benefit and income support recipient, Handlin O’Scanlon. “Chickens?” said one migrant worker in broken English.
The Harry Potter books have underlying messages which "subtly seduce" children claimed head of the Catholic Church, Pope Emperor Palpatine XVI this week. The pope, a well known supporter of the ancient practice of “religion”, much prefers the assured practice of blatantly programming children from birth.
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