Pure Derry

DERRY GOING TO THE DOGS

Following the recent ‘National Noise Awareness’ week, the city council have revealed that they are to embark on a major clamp down on noisy dogs in the city. Persistent complaints from residents in urban housing areas has led to the move, which may see local dog owners getting lovely friendly advice from lucratively paid specialists.

Local dog owners though are not so keen on the idea.

“I paid £400 for that there dog, so there’s no chance of some council skivvy coming round here to ask him questions, stick his fingers up its arse and check to see if I have a TV licence” said unemployed father of five, Biro McDoledrop of Carnhill. “He’s a full bred Staffordshire Bullpit Rottweiler, and though he occasionally chews the bottom of the backdoor off, he’s a harmless and lovable creature that wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“Unless it’s a fly dressed up as a policeman or a Brit” he chuckled.

But shouldn’t the dog be getting more exercise we enquired?

“Naw he gets loads of exercise running around the backyard” insisted Mc Doledrop. “See when I get the council out eventually to lift all that oul timber, rubbish and broken window frames, yee wouldn’t believe the amount of space that’s in that yard”

“Besides” he continued “yee would be mad to let a high class animal such as that outside in a place like Derry. It’s just too dangerous in this day and age. Wain’s round here are wee bastards and taunt the dogs all the time, even my own were guilty of it at the start. Thankfully though, they are always out playing or running about the estate with their wee friends nowadays, so the poor dog gets plenty of peace and quiet”

These are thoughts echoed by neighbour Shoestring Harkin, owner of 7ft tall full bred Alsatian, Max. “He’s barking cos he is happy, end of story. Sure just look at the lovely kennel I built for him out between the wheelie bin and the coal bunker, what doggie wouldn’t be happy living in such luxury “

“I’ve slept in it a few nights meself, and I’ll tell you what, it’s some job” he insisted.

Chokechain Wilson, chairman of the locally run dog owners group, D.O.G. - understands the councils plight. He insists however that the majority of dog owners in the city do not deserve such bad press.

“In my experience parents in this City are responsible dog owners. I have on countless occasions seen several separated fathers, selflessly passing over a chance to spend time with their children to take their beloved Pitbull’s and Rottweiler’s on a nice walk around the estate.” He said

“And these dogs want for nothing.” he continued “Local parents ensure that these animals get the best nutrition available, none of that oul processed rubbish. I have lost count of the times I have seen parents nip over to Jolly’s pet-food store after they are finished doing the family shopping at Lidl”

Just as Purederry went to press, we learned that the council may introduce a sophisticated and costly electronic collar system, which are claimed to train the dogs to behave better. So far though, decent ideas for the alternative useage of such technology continue to elude the authorities.

New-Born Tracksuit in Health Fear

Panic was witnessed once again in Altnagelvin hospital this week, as another Derry mother gave birth to a baby tracksuit suffering from the mystery bug that is sweeping the province. After a difficult labour, lasting almost as long as the emergency taxi-ride back from Kelly’s Niteclub, nurses have reported that both mother and tracksuit were stable, but under observation.

“The wee tracksuit is in no immediate danger” said Dympna Hodgepodge of the Altnagelvin Maternity clinic. “but doctors are taking no risks, and have begun treating a malignant biped fleshy growth found lurking internally. Such procedures are now common place at Altnagelvin and there is nothing to worry about.” she added.

It is thought that if left untreated though, the fleshy tumour can have harmful side effects on even the most prestigious tracksuit families. Several eye witnesses in Derry’s city centre for example, have reported sightings of fully grown infected tracksuits from the Nike and Reebok households, apparently participating in non-sporting related activities.

“Although very little is known about this disease” said Prof Adam Baum of the University of Ulster Genetic Research Centre, “we do know that it genetically alters the makeup of the garment, so that it evolves to perform all manner of tasks, uncharacteristic of a tracksuit in its natural habitat”

“We have been all over town today, and we haven’t seen one tracksuit warming up for a jog, getting ready to throw the shot-putt or preparing for a game of five-a-side. In-fact, apart from that one tracksuit who sprinted past us holding the DVD player, it would appear that this epidemic has totally inhibited the natural sporting instincts of the poor creatures.”

Tracksuit births have risen steadily in the city in recent years, with this conception being the latest in a growing trend among young Derry parents. Doctors are urging parents to have their tracksuits treated before it’s too late though, with other side effects thought to include - hanging dogs with washing lines, stealing cars, stoning buses, vandalising secondary schools, theft, aversion to employment and stupidity.

However the use of illegal backstreet operations to remove the tumours is being slammed by the local authorities. Only last month behind the Creggan shops, a tracksuit underwent an illegal Stanley knife operation to have its growth eliminated. Although the tracksuit survived and the tumour was successfully killed, the tracksuit is unlikely to ever play a game of hockey, walk the two bridges or do a charity fun run.

“It was such a waste of a young tracksuit in it’s prime” said one onlooker.

In more positive news however, scientists at Magee have revealed that they are working on an experimental new treatment codenamed “Parental Responsibility”, which they claim has successfully treated the illness in laboratory conditions. “Its quite revolutionary and promising” said local scientist Peter Flipchart. “at this early stage however, it is causing an unexplainable adverse reaction to daytime TV and the ability to spend all day in Wetherspoons, so we have much work to do still”

“Fuck that” said local father of 5 Jonty Harkin as he fumbled around in his pocket for his packet of cigarette papers. “I’ll stick to the oul herbal remedies” he winked.

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