Pure Derry

Experimental baked bean and onion chow-mein recipe goes wrong

Chefs in Strand Roads ‘Cheung’s Garden’ got more than they bargained for this week when they were testing out new recipes for their summer menu. Staff were experimenting with various exotic ingredients in a bid to concoct a potent culinary masterpiece for the upcoming Wok the Wok challenge against the Kam House when disaster struck.

Initially head chef Ho-Chi Ming thought he had cracked it when their chief taster Chow More-Fat signaled his instant liking for the newly created masterpiece and proceeded to devour several plates of the dish in quick succession. As staff headed outside for a well deserved smoke break, Mr Fat remained behind to finish off the rest of the dish. A gassy odour was smelt coming from the interior of the building all too late, as Chin Yee, a trainee dish washer managed to light up a Berkley blue before his colleagues could prevent him. A massive bang was heard coming from the kitchen and the building began to shake violently. Realizing that he had stumbled upon the formula for a potent ancient Chinese laxative, Mr Ming and his staff made a run for cover, as the toxic nostril burning gas filled the air. Seconds later the building imploded leaving nothing but a pile of rubble and a foul stench in the air.

Amazingly no-one was hurt in the incident, including Mr Fat, who was found relatively unscathed with his head in the fridge. Earlier reports that the explosion was the work of the Derry Mafia as part of their ongoing war with the Muff Triads were quickly quashed by local police. Authorities have advised locals seeking authentic traditional Chinese dishes such as the ‘chicken ball special’or the ‘curry half n half’ to seek alternative outlets.

Smoking without Fire

Following recent revelations in another local newspaper that Derry fire-fighters got stoned during an emergency callout in Galliagh, Pure Derry launched an immediate investigation into the improper use of recreational drugs by the Northern Ireland Fire Brigade. It’s believed that the epidemic in Derry is only in its early stages, thus far involving only smoking joints and making bongs out of breathing apparatus.

Sources in Belfast however claim the problems there are much more widespread, with many officers alleged to be snorting poppers, banging E’s and sniffing Chinese industrial strength glue. Illegal makeshift raves which make improper use of fire engine sirens and lights are now thought to be common place in some of Belfast’s stations, with some departments holding C02 foam parties and hiring pole dancers.

The backlash in Derry has already begun though, as Maggie O Herron, a 75 year old Derry grandmother explains. “I called the fire brigade last week when my poor Kitty got stuck up a tree in Rosemount, but when they arrived they seemed very dazed and kept giggling at the short fat one. When an officer eventually went up the ladder, he spent over an hour talking to my cat insisting his name was Mr Bigglesworth. When poor kitty was back down to earth i was so glad, so I offered them all a cup of tea, but I really regret that now. They ate 5 packets of Toffee Pops, 4 boxes of teacakes and all my freshly baked cookies, i had to send to the shop twice”.

Mrs O Herron has made an official complaint to the Fire Department already, with her solicitor believed to be seeking damages for the harrowing effects of passive smoking and to reclaim the price of the lost biscuits. The investigation continues...

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