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Mark Durkan "Too Strong For Foyle" Say Scientists
Scientists have today issued strong warnings to Derry's electorate regarding local MP Mark Durkan's extraordinary, and potentially hazardous, strength.
Mr Durkan, whose successfull Stronger For Foyle campaign got him elected to Westminster in May, is alleged to be so strong as to be detrimental to the inhabitants of his consituency.
"Mr Durkan possess a prodigious and frightening strength," reported Prof. John Hendry, Chief Scientist at Magee's Bio-Chemical faculty. "With John Hume we were sure we would have a political force for good who would knuckle down and get this town on the map and get big teams to play Derry, but Durkan has proven himself too impressed with his own spectacular strength to do anything of the sort. Rather than staging meetings with civil servants or Westminster bodies, he spends his weekdays lifting cars over his head, carrying fridges round the Brandywell dog track and fighing monster trucks on pay-per-view on Channel 9."
SDLP secretary Anne Finch confirmed that the traditional MP itinerary had been changed to suit Mr Durkan's more muscle minded manner.
"Well, I have to admit Mr Hume spent very little time biting through pound coins or tearing telephone directories in half in front of crowds in the Diamond. But Mr Durkan is a very different sort of MP. He made it very clear that his superhuman brawniness was what he wished his political future to be built on, and the people voted for it."
Professor Hendry, for one, is not convinced. "It's all very well for Mark Durkan to wrestle grizzly bears for the amusement of kids in Brook Park leisure centre, or create diamonds for his lady constituents by squeezing coal between his eyelids, but what about the actual work of an MP?"
Added Professor Hendry, "who's going to get dodgy employers in on 3-5 year leases to hire our sixteen year olds and abandon them at lease's end? There's a big void being left in our community. A void that can't be filled with a strongman, no matter how many one finger press-ups he does."
Mayor Loses Seat
Sinn Fein continue to put on a brave face following the recent local election faux pas, which seen Mayor Gearoid O'hEara unexpectedly lose his seat on the local council. Speaking during an acceptance speech whilst accepting a republican award for his unacceptable views on acceptable policing, O'hEara accepted that things could have been handled more acceptably. He wouldn’t however accept that Sinn Fein’s audacious plans were ‘dead stupid’.
“That’s just not acceptable” he said.
Rumours that the election slip-up was the result of several miscalculations from the supercomputer at Sinn Fein HQ were flatly denied by party spokesman Mitchell McLaughlin, who insisted that the computer was working fine. Fisher Price later confirmed this claim, maintaining that although the big red space bar “occasionally sticks”, the hardware was “100% operational”.
“I just had a game of X’sey’s and O’seys not 5 minutes ago” said Mc Laughlin, “and if anything, that computer is getting SMARTER.”
Due to the error, O'hEara embarrassingly lost his council seat to fellow Sinn Fein Candidate, Elisha McLaughlin aged 8. Mc Laughlin, who hails from the Carnhill area of the city, impressed voters with her no nonsense manifesto, categorically outlining her beliefs that “boys smell”, “pony’s are class” and “pink furry pencil cases are sweet”.
The historic achievement marks the first time that a girl from Carnhill has been allowed into the Guildhall, without the aid of a ridiculous looking Feis dress, a fugly mop of curly permed hair and 12 kilograms of assorted hairclips.
As a mark of gratitude for her outgoing colleague, Elisha also plans to follow his example of reverting to the original Irish spelling of her name. At the time of going to press however, Eskliaágthatrucmrrróooáaathe Mac Laóggtriáfhinmlin was unavailable for comment.
The DUP were said to be delighted at the news, overjoyed that another Sinn Fein foe had been toppled. "What an embarrassing cock-up" chuckled Gregory Campbell.
It appears though to be business as usual for Sinn Fein, as they last night released a press release to reaffirm their commitment to securing a 33 county Ireland.
PSNI Bust "All-Night-Feis" In Derry's Townland - Pushy Parents Implicated
Police have issued a flurry of reports following an astonishing raid at a gathering last Friday of nearly 480 revellers at a sordid all-night-feis in farmland in Derry's countryside.
Hundreds of calls from neighbouring farms and concerned residents of nearby villages inundated police switchboards. "From call one, we were instantly aware that a massive distubance of the peace was in effect," reports Chief Inspector Bryan Mitchell, head of the PSNI's Anti-Social Behaviour task force.
"We had observed suspicious behaviour in the underground feis community prior to this event; en-masse hiring out of irish dancer's outfits, extravagant bodhran purchases and sources in and around the Culmore Rd area hinted late night car pooling was being arranged by parents of performers."
"We knew something was up," assures Mitchell, "it was just a matter of where and when. So you better believe, when we got that call, I already had 40 of my best men ready to roll out."
Upon finding the site, its grass trampled with foldable wooden chairs and the styrofoam tea cups of fleeing parents and teachers, Mitchell said it was far and beyond anything he'd anticipated.
"I've seen some illegal feis activity before - I used to head the beat in Donegal for Christ's sakes - but nothing, nothing prepared me for what I saw there. A professional primary-school level PA system, bunting and ticker tape everywhere, the smell of tea and cakes obvious and unashamed, there was even a full-scale adjudicating operation set up opposite the raised stage and a piano accompanist installed to the side. No doubt that was played by an 80 year old woman with hair on her lip. I've seen this all a million times before".
"To be honest, I feel sorry for those kids. Singing Baidin Fheidhlimidh and There once was a rabbit in front of those baying, caked-up crowds. Alone, solo, singing, spoken word; they didn't care. They clapped the lot. Sick bastards would say ngawww when the four year olds forgot their lines. How's that supposed to aid their concentration? I'm tellin' ya, I'm sorry we got there so late, I'd bet my right arm tears were shed by 4 foot tall performers tonight."
Police reports indicate that a large amount of the revellers escaped the police but some key members of the illegal feis ring were captured and brought to the station for interrogation.
Several feis-goers tried to explain their illegal actions; "I started with the usual Easter Feis and it was grand," said Maggie Hegarty, 43, from Rosemount. "I'd take the wains every year but after a while it wasn't enough. I needed more."
"So, man comes to the house, asks if I know anything about y'know, these, mass feis. The way he described it, hundreds of acts, tea and cakes on tap. God, it was all so exciting. From that to the next, to the next after that - My kids were performing sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. I'll admit it. I was addicted"
Some high-up members of the feis ring were also nabbed, according to Mitchell.
"We got this adjudicator, pencil in hand, and took him to task. He gave all the usual spiel, that it was harmless and they weren't hurting anybody. Oh yeah? Well why did you give that poor eight year old 4 out of 10 for a perfectly good rendition of My Grandfather's Clock, I said. Well you shoulda seen the tears run down his face then. Sick freak won't be doing this again any time soon."
Parents have been reluctant to talk to Purederry but several concerned residents of Derry's suburbs have gone to the press with their worries over elaborate hair-curling and shoe-cleaning in the run up to a further illegal feis that insiders suggest could be just around the corner.
But, confirms Mitchell, "When these pushy parents next shove their kids on stage to be gawped at by middle aged old women who smell like pee, you can rest assured we'll be there".
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Other Headlines
Paul Berry disappointed at realising SDLP ‘promotional offer’ is just a cruel spelling mistake.
Gun panic at Derry pub as clueless barman misunderstands bosses generous order to give out free shots.
PSNI refuse to commit to reports that LVF killed Lisa Dorrian. “We deal with facts and evidence, not speculation” said a PSNI source. Neither Hugh Orde or the Northern Bank were available for comment.
Derry City Council disappointed by quiet response to National Noise Reduction Week.
The Good Friday Agreement should be "buried" claims Ian Paisley as he leaves Downing St. "You just cannot go back and do the same thing over and over again" said Mr Paisley as he prepared for the 198th annual Drumcree parade.
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