POLITICAL UNDERWORLD IS EXPOSED
Following the recent allegations against DUP councillor Paul Berry, Purederry have been shocked to learn of the seedy underworld running through the local political community. Several of our own local politicians have in recent weeks been discovered participating in shockingly unmanly activities, including some high profile members of Sinn Fein.
Mitchell Mc Laughlin, Sinn Fein spokesman and local heart-throb, is reported to have secretly gone to “mass” on at least 2 occasions in the last fortnight according to witnesses. A claim the party strongly deny. Other onlookers, who didn’t wish to be named, claim to have ‘seen with their own eyes’ as Mc Laughlin purchased several ‘questionable’ items from a local Spar store, including ‘Toilet Roll’, ‘Menthol Cigarettes’ and ‘Febreeze’.
Gregory Campbell of the DUP is also reported to be part of the secret sect, having been witnessed on several occasions last week, carrying an umbrella to and from work. It is also alleged that between the months of April and November last year, Mr Campbell had his hair cut on multiple occasions.......by a woman.
Other politicians alleged to be involved in ‘dubious’ activities include the SDLP’s Mark Durkan, who was recently seen holding a baby, the SEA’s Aimin MyCan, who has appeared on a poster with 5 other men, as part of a Derry ‘Chipendales’ band called “People Before Profit”, and the DUP’s William Hay, who is alleged to have thoroughly washed his hands with soap and warm water after going to the toilet.
Reports that Martin Mc Guinness’ perpetually curly hair is the result of long term membership of Streaks Ahead Salon have long been whispered in intelligence circles and in the wider community, but Mc Guinness continues to publicly refute these allegations. Jeremy Paxman last week attempted to obtain the information on live television, as he continues to seek volume and bounce for his own famously ailing perm. Mc Guinness was resolute however, and so the top media journalists will continue to receive lucrative salaries for many years to come, as they desperately think up new ways to ask questions we already know the answer to.
The investigation continues.
SPECIAL ELECTION REPORT
After The Election - Who Will Do What?
In their original incarnations, those elected to the Stormont Assembly would perform their duties within a legislature aiming to deal with a small amount of devolved governing with a limited degree of power. For the past two and a half years, however, legislation has been out of favour with Stormont so changes have been made to make sure all of those elected still have something to do, and that Stormont's high celinged chambers still serve some purpose. To whit, Pure Derry can here lay down the responsibilities of the elected members.
First Minister
Formerly the single most important position within the executive, the FM's power has not diminished since laws and government went out of fashion. It is now the FM's sole responsibility to see that the mini bar, golf course, sauna and steam rooms are fully stocked, operational and up to standard. The FM is also responsible for liaising with the British and Irish Prime Ministers, and encouraged to seek some advice on how to run a country should they ever get the chance again.
Deputy First Minister
The role of DFM - usually occupied by a member of the opposition to the FM - was designed as a 'me too' clause allowing everyone to have a crack at the whip at governance, and it remains true in today's Stormont atmosphere. The DFM is at the FM's shoulder at every single pool and shower inspection and is also present at every meeting the FM attends, from councils on Stormont's newly opened basement casino to taking minutes at the frequently nostalgic 'Remember When We Used To Work For A Living?' parties held on Friday Nights in the Premier Steam Room.
The Speaker
Formerly entrusted with presiding over all happenings in Stormont, the Speaker retains the spirit of his old job as master of ceremonies during the many private functions within parliament buildings. Whether a dinner dance, pool party, big rugby or football game, the MC is always on hand to compere the night, keep the 'craic' flowing and oversee any potential difficulties that may arise with provisions of lobster or champagne.
Heads of Committees
The committee heads' roles are arguably those most drastically changed from their original forms. Whereas originally their job was to oversee and collate necessary data and investigation into ongoing areas of policy, they are now trained masseurs. Premiers the world over travel far and wide to sample Stormont's best kept secrets, the loving hands of the standing committees' six chiefs. Whether it be a traditional swedish massage, a footrub or even - as the speciality of John Dallat of the Audit committee - some acupuncture, you can rest assured the committee heads are committed to one thing - great relaxation!
The Broader Assembly & The Role Of The Executive
There are 108 members of the assembly, and as with any membership of an exciting, closed-off and exclusive club they are treated appropriately. All members are given cut-copy keys to the Ulster American Folk Park and the Jet Centre for their own private use, as well as access to Derry's premier theatrical venue, the Rialto. All members are given a direct line to Liam Neeson, should they ever wish to chat to the hollywood star. Each assembly member is issued with a unique decoder ring allowing them access to parliament's luxury facilities, and 10% off bets made in the underground dogtrack.
But, also, as with any exclusive and secretive sect, the assembly has an even higher rank within its midst - the executive. Members of the executive are given a laminated gold-coloured pass granting them access to an additional 6 attractions within Stormont and are furthermore given 30% off all bets made at the dogtrack as well as the secret horsetrack underneath the dogtrack. Executive members are immediately issued Paul Rankin's number with the assurance that should they need Coq-Au-Vin at 4 in the morning the smug, straggly haired, irritatingly voiced twat will have it ready by their bedside within minutes. Members of the executive are allowed to pick the places within Northern Ireland displayed in UTV's jingles before the news, and have the final word as to who gets their name read out on Busker and Barney's Birthday Greetings.
So all that's left is for you to get voting and remember that it's not all as easy as you'd imagine and that if you do ever get backsprain, you could do worse than have a chat to your local MLA.
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