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“Operation Herrod to tackle Derry tear-away’s” claim PSNI.
In the aftermath of what can only be described as the biggest underage carry-out session in the name of St Patrick, the PSNI has decided to adopt a last ditch tactic in order to bring into line the conduct of our out-of-control Derry youths.
“Basically, we have reached breaking point and have exhausted all other avenues of approach” claimed Constable Montgomery-Hamilton-Smith yesterday from Strand Road Barracks. “As of the 1st May 2005 all males and females under the age of 16 will be rounded up and given the frowning of their lives by our officers at yearly intervals in the Guildhall square”. Constable Hamilton-Smith hopes this approach would send Derry’s unruly youth onto the straight and narrow
“We named the venture Herrod after the bible figure King Herrod who famously killed all babies under the age of 2 in a bid to protect his crown form the son of God”, stated the Constable. “We did consider a similar approach here in Derry, but permission is obviously needed from local parents for such mass cull on this scale, and unfortunately the majority of those contacted we’re too drunk to give us any sort of feedback on the proposal. It was then decided that subjecting Derry youngsters to a severe frowning by the local constabulary would make them realise the chaos they are causing on the streets of the maiden city, instil a new found respect for their elders and private/public property, and all without the need for the bloodshed that King Herrod himself had to resort to back in the olden days”.
Local Community leaders have taken the unprecedented step of coming out in support of the PSNI initiative. “The residents of this Estate have basically had enough of these wains and their antics” claimed Galliagh community leader Mickey Doherty from his home yesterday. ”A mean, they’re bought scrambler bikes for Christmas, they’re allowed at least three days a week off from school, and they never want for cheap fags! All we ask is that they baby sit in the evenings so that Derry parents can fulfil their social obligations, and this is how they repay us? Sure even the dogs in the street are fed up to the back teeth of the climate of fear created by these wee shites!”
Indeed, Mr Doherty’s claim can be backed up by what is now being treated as the first suspected case of animal suicide in the province after dog residing in the Galliagh area of Derry was found hanged. It is thought the actions of the desperate canine were induced by manic depression brought on by living in the Derry suburb.
“When the behaviour of this thug-element effects even the dogs in the street, well then it really has hit an all time low” Constable Hamilton-Smith went on to claim. “It is hoped that once Operation Herrod is underway both two legged and four legged residents of Derry will be able to walk the streets without fear of drink induced harassment or accidentally stepping onto large patches of projectile vomit”.
Roads Service to Conduct Roadside Driving Tests for Southern Motorists
Pure Derry can exclusively reveal that the Northern Ireland Roads Service is to introduce random roadside driving tests for motorist from the Republic of Ireland. The tests, which will be introduced in the Summer, are to be initiated following a plethora of complaints from frustrated Northern Irish drivers.
A draft plan was unveiled to Pure Derry by an unnamed source late last week after a drink in Da Glincheys Bar. The source, who cannot not be identified because we can’t spell their Irish name correctly, handed over the documents in return for a bottle of Hoors Lite Low Calorie.
The documents reveal ten to twelve checkpoint sites along the entire North / South border where random checks will be performed. The documents also showed that the planning office has given the go ahead for a site to be developed in the Cosquin area of Derry, on land were the circus currently features during the summer months.
The Pure Derry source revealed “The circus is considered the best location for those southern drivers. Its used to lure them up to the border and then the road service boys will get them on the test track before they can say ‘Jeeesus boys, I left me insurance in Budgen’”. The source also said “The council isn’t happy with the plans, because the clowns from the circus might not come this year. Their wee red and yellow car isn’t insured and hasn’t got an MOT certificate”. And “If the car doors fall off during a random check, them boys will be slapped with a hefty fine, and that’ll be the last you’ll see of the circus in Derry”.
The true nature of the tests at the moment remains unclear. However, it appears that plans for the Cosquin site will include a full mock up of a Round-a-bout featuring up to four junctions and double approach lanes. Motorists will have to negotiate the round-a-bout properly, according to the highway code. Also in the plans will be a one way only multi-storey car park demonstrator, where southern motorists will be required to find a parking space by following the right arrows, and then parking their car successfully without taking up two spaces.
There will also be a set of three staggered junctions and a cross roads, where southerners will be tested on their knowledge of ancient practice of ‘indicating’. Preliminary notes also feature plans for a high-speed parallel parking test, in which Mexican drivers will be required to perform last minute parking manoeuvres, in front of a full scale mock up of a shop advertising the Lotto.
Failure to pass the test could see southern motorist turned back from entering Derry, or incurring a ban from driving in the UK for 6 months and possibly a sixty euro fine.
Pure Derry approached the roads authority regarding this issue, however, they refused to comment and threatened to put double yellow lines outside the PD offices.
Further investigation has revealed that since the leaking of the documents, absolutely no complaints have been uttered from a Derry persons mouth. Although it has been speculated that a local anti-taxi driver’s pressure group, L.O.S.T. (Lethal Opponents to Shite Taxi-men) is hoping to persuade the government to introduce a daily test for taxi drivers in the town.
NEWS ROUND UP
Unionists dismiss Sinn Fein announcement
Unionists united in disgust at Sinn Fein appeal to end IRA violence forever. “It’s a desperate move, by a desperate party, in desperate times” said a DUP spokesman. “How dare the republican terrorists threaten to not threaten us anymore. The sooner we can get back to a normal regime of tit for tat killing the better. Peace hasn't proved to be a viable way forward, so we need to look at other options.”
Donegal Seal Cull Shock
Up roar in Donegal as seals shockingly continue to eat fish. “We need to kill them all NOW” said Crabpot Mc Cafferty from Killybegs. “Don’t them seals know that we have mortgages to pay and lucrative property deals to settle. As fishermen, fishing the Irish sea to destruction is something we take great pride in, I’ll be damned if a bunch of seals are going to put us out of business by being greedy bastards, that’s our job!!!”
School Dinner Winner
Following Jamie Oliver’s award winning ‘School Dinners’ campaign, several Derry establishments have jumped into action. Mc D’s chip shop in Beechwood have led the initiative thus far, introducing a range of new appetising snacks. “’Healthy, healthy, healthy’ – that’s our motto” said proprietor Navel Gillespie. “We have radically shook up our menu to include extra portions of nutritious vegetables such as cheese, tomato ketchup and scotch eggs. From now on our lunchtime special will be a delicious steamed asparagus and coriander salad, served with 2 battered sausages and a bottle of Smak Iron Bru.”
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Other Headlines
Derry women outraged at not being invited to recent wedding. “Fair enough I don’t see them that much anymore, but I was at least expecting an invite to the night ‘do’. I can’t believe the cheek of the bastards”
In other news, Derry woman reveals disappointment at being invited to upcoming wedding. “For Gawds sake! I hardly ever see them, and now I have to buy an outfit, put £50 in a card and pay for drink all day. Its a fuckin money racket!”
Don Bar manager delighted at new Translink Nightbus service. “Its great! Now I can get home to the Waterside at 2.30am without forking out for a taxi.” He said. “It’s just a pity that they don’t have any normal buses after 6pm so I can get home from work”
Don bar manager later walks to Waterside in 15 minutes for drunken bet. Derry Journal beat off the interests of the world media to secure the front page exclusive documenting the mind boggling feat. In other less important news, the Pope dies.
Foyle meats shocked as 30 Polish workers walkout after pope insult. “We’re disappointed” said a Union representative, “But at least they didn’t take the Mr Sheen and feather dusters with them when they went.”
Local fashion crisis as government report shows that ‘Pink T shirts are officially GAY’. “We refute this horrible accusation” said Brillcream Farren of F.A.D (Fashion Association of Derry). Further blow dealt to Derry’s male fashion industry, as planned ‘duffle coat revival’ is cancelled due to new African Rhino conservation laws. “We can’t get the buttons anywhere” said Farren.
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