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Derry Tops ‘Poorest League Table
Almost half of Derry’s population is deemed to be living in socially deprived areas according to a government department report released last week. Over 50% of the cities inhabitants are living in, or close to poverty, with several areas such as Ballymacgroarty, Rosemount, Galliagh, Shantallow, Curryneirn and Gobnsacale being citied as socially deprived.
The London based department, which spent £2.6 million of tax payers money in the formation of the report, used a variety of complex methods to determine the information, including extensive Google searches, repeated listening to ‘Teenage Kicks’ and close examination of photographs of Laura Doherty and Peter Cunnah. They now admit though, that the project did go slightly over budget, and that a radical plan to actually visit Derry would probably have helped reduce costs.
Up to £12 million of a recent £56 million ‘neighbourhood renewal’ scheme is now expected to be spent in Derry in the next 3 years. The city council has therefore sprung to immediate action, and planned more than 50 meetings regarding when they should have meetings to decide who to let decide where the money should be allocated. It is hoped that the result of these meetings, will be the creation of several high paid salaried positions within the council, which will be filled by middle class friends of local councillors.
“The City’s young people are just wile erm,…..deprived” said Mayor Garden O’Hahahahaha as he explained his understanding of the underlying complex social issues which factor in the problems. “Therefore, one of the first initiatives we at the council shall be undertaking, will be the purchasing of much needed ping-pong tables, draughts boards, football bibs, strobe lighting and disco equipment for several of the cities youth clubs.”
“That’ll keep the young whipper snappers off the streets” he added
"….and seeing as the city's proposed golf club, parking initiatives and 5th and 6th respective quality hotels are all under way, we could begin on those developments immediately"
Some local parents though, who have long been using the ‘lack of amenities’ excuse to mask the fact that they are probably shite parents, reacted angrily to the news.
"About 6 years ago they re-evaluated the living standards in our area," noted Dympna Q-Chastic, a mother of four, "and they gave us 6 disco balls, a corner flag and a mural of a dove surrounded by olives against a rainbow backdrop."
"I understand the council are busy, what with sorting the planning permits for luxury housing sites, and accepting proposals for new hotels, but we think they could do well to re-invest some cash into urban centres - it might even be profitable." she added
After having laughed for 4 days, the Mayor replied to the concerned parents with the following;
“In our generosity, this council has always sought to improve the lot of the less well off in Derry. However, to our great disappointment, they rarely use any of our expensive hotels. Frankly we're hurt, and more than a few among us are somewhat wary of their demands this time around. If they will not take use of those, how do we know they'll use shops, housing or jobs?”
But the mayor was quick not to entirely dash the locals' hopes for help, promising a "lovely" shiny new mural was on its way, "I can't give away too many details, but it's got two boys on it and one of them has a rangers top on, and one has a celtic top but they're playing together."
Rumours that there will be a rainbow in the background are still unconfirmed.
Bono, upon hearing of the poverty crisis in Derry, immediately phoned John Hume to offer his support. In a responsive show of appreciation for his ‘help’, Magee University immediately set plans in motion to bestow him with an Honorary Masters Degree in Peace and Conflict Studies and an inscribed porcelain figurine of a dove holding an AK47 and wearing wraparound shades .
Magee, who famously assisted the poverty stricken population of Derry by generously only charging £80 per year for previously free car parking, instantly announced that the main car park would be closed on the day to accommodate visiting dignitaries and VIP’s.
DUP Relase New Annually Updated 'No' List - Republicans And Gays Top Once Again
The political press was made to re-calibrate the opinions of the DUP once again as the party's annual 'No' list was released yesterday. The list, the 10th in the party's history, re-asserted all 438 of the things the DUP is now opposed to, with a few inclusions added in the year's gap since the last edition.
At the top of the list is, as usual, was 'Surrender - or capitulation - to those who would relinquish the union with Great Britain'. Always a popular rallying cry for the party, it's pole position not been challenged in nearly ten years of pre-eminence. Other old favourites retaining their place in the top ten include, 'The IRA', 'Sinn Fein/IRA', 'Terrorists in government' and 'Fisting'.
"Obviously our party's two-pronged approach to battling terrorism in politics on the one hand, and homosexual intercourse on the other has always been popular," says Sammy Wilson, speaking in the bath yesterday. "We are a party with priorities. We will never tolerate the use of paramilitary action within government or the criminality of groups attached to political parties. Nor will we ever tolerate one man placing his penis in another man's anus".
New mentions arose for new DUP concerns this year, with 'the killing of Robert McCartney', 'the Northern Bank robbery' and 'Will & Grace - Season 3' all debuting with very high chart positions.
Watching Basketball, Wearing Shorts, Bird Watching and iPods were slated as being "openly and pervasively republican in their outlooks" as well as Audiobooks, Pizza, Giving High Fives and Drinking Capri-Sun Juice Drinks.
Surprise homosexual nominations came mid-chart for Re-usable Shopping Bags, - "gay" according to Wilson - Wearing A Pager On Your Belt - "seriously gay" - and Division One's Swindon Town FC - "as gay as a chocolate hat". Palm Pilots, Ornamental Plates/Porcelain Cats and The Crimean War were all also heavily criticised for their gayness this year, with a specially harsh mention for Daniel O'Donnel - "as gay as a big horse" who they alledge may well combine the worst attributes of evil, both pink and green.
There were, however, 6 items on the list not linked to either Republicanism or Homosexuality, up from just 2 last year, although all were to do with either Islam, Dancing or the Asian Tsunami.
Unexpected Mayhem Ruins National Day Of Drinking For Hours While Congregating In Massive Crowds - "We could never have seen it coming" says Mayor
Shocking scenes were reported on St Patrick's Day when numerous fights and violent incidents broke out in the city centre, marring an otherwise exemplary day of getting absolutely hammered whilst surrounded by huge crowds of hundreds of young men.
"I was just on my way to the convent," said a shaken Hamsterdam McGinnity, 18, "when I had 7 pints and made my way into Waterloo Place. Then out of nowhere this guy started hitting me after I'd thrown up on his shoes and punched him in the gut."
"Just know that not everyone had a happy St Patrick's Day!" said the traumatised young man, who has only today - 11 days later - been able to revisit the bars that so recently were the scene of his own personal nightmare. "God, it's all I can do to drink these pints. But if I didn't, well, that would be a victory for those thugs who beat me up".
Police are baffled by the peaking of violent incidents in the city centre on St Patrick's Day, senior members of the force claiming to be at a loose end as where to point the blame.
"It was a hot day," offers Detective Penguina Meehan, "I specifically remember having to very quickly drink all my pints, they were warm within minutes of being ordered, perhaps the warm weather agitated the people, it was making me agitated in any case, I must have beaten about 20 people with a baton."
"And as a detective, I don't even have access to a baton," added Meehan, "I wonder where that came from".
The Mayor has been stark in his criticism of the individuals involved in the incidents, but also quick to assert that the organisers of the festivities did all they could to ensure no such incidents were possible. Or even, say, inevitable.
"I'm gobsmacked that we saw the violence we did on Thursday, truly, truly flabbergasted" said a shellshocked Garage O'Hara. "I mean there's bad apples in every bunch, but we'd done everything we could to make the day as friendly and fun as possible".
"Consider the effort it took," argues O'Hara, "having bars on full staff open all day inviting people to come in and enjoy the ambience of good old irish craic, or the planning of the parade routes to ensure massive amounts of festival-goers could mix in confined areas and build the healthy, St Paddy's day atmosphere we all know and love. But somehow all our safeguards were ignored - people obviously forgot all about drinking and just decided to fight all day".
"It certainly ruined my St Paddy's," says the rueful mayor, "I was so upset at the end of the night I threw up several times".
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