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Snake Labour Exposed In Derry
Purederry can today reveal, on St Patricks Day 2005, that hundreds of immigrant snakes are being held in a secure facility in Lisahally awaiting deportation to their native lands. The snakes, who travelled here illegally on several merchant vessels, are claiming Irish citizenship based on their ancestry, and insist that they have the right to return to the home of their forefathers to work or claim unemployment benefit like their Irish brothers.
Viper Campbell, a father of 4 whose entire family is being held at the facility, was openly willing to talk to Purederry, and expressed his anger and sorrow at being treated so badly on his ‘homecoming’.
“The Irish heritage of our people has never been forgotten” said Campbell “As a young worm, my father would tell me stories of the great parties our ancestors used to have long before St Patrick arrived with his new fangled Christianity and started playing them fucking Tom Jones records all night. People think he threw us out, but if truth be told, we left.”
“The green green grass of home me hole!!” he added.
The 17th March according to Campbell, was traditionally a Pagan festival, which was later bastardised by Patrick in his effort to ethnically cleanse the island. On this day in history, it was customary for tribes of native Irish men to wear Republic of Ireland or Celtic jerseys, congregate at villages and settlements across the country, drink masses of green tinted Mead, and vomit all over each other. Other long lasting traditions, such as singing ‘The Fields of Athenry” without knowing all the words, punching the fuck out of each other at the end of the night, and pishing on the side of police landrovers, are also derived from similar ancient traditions.
Several incidents of snake labour are now being reported across the country, as those snakes who managed to make it into the country are exploited by opportunistic businessmen. This has led to angry locals losing their jobs at many of the cities 24 hour petrol stations, as the hard working snakes, despite them not having any arms to use, or holes to scratch, out perform their human colleagues.
Representatives for the FAI confirmed last night that several of the reptiles are receiving trials for the Ireland squad, as they step up their bid to find a long term replacement for Roy Keane. Training sessions were cancelled last night however, when it emerged that one of the team was bitten and later died in hospital.
Roy Keane was unavailable for comment however, and sources at Man Utd remain tight lipped on the accusations.
City Gears Up For St Patricks Day Celebrations
The Mayor of Derry, Councillor Hemorrhoid O'Hara has expressed his delight at the wealth of interest shown by local community and business groups from across the city who are planning to take part in this year’s St. Patrick’s Day Spring Carnival.
The Council’s Festival Office, based upstairs in the Telstar bar, is currently meeting regularly and working closely with all the organisations to put together what promises to be the most colourful St Patrick’s Day celebration ever seen in the city centre.
"We've already downed 21 Kegs of Guinness and 4 cases of Irish whiskey as a toast to St Patrick for bringing Catholicism to Ireland" slurred Liam McBeercan.
O'Hara claimed that this year’s Spring Carnival presented a perfect opportunity for one community to create a carnival totally alien to all others.
“The event will be a day for everyone, without exception, except those who take exception, to get involved in a St Patrick’s Day to remember” said O’Hara
”The level of interest shown, offers the people of Derry a real opportunity to reach across the cultural divides that exist in the city.” He continued
On the day itself, the Galliagh & Shantallow pensioner clubs will call a temporary truce on their current conflicts, and unite to cook Irish Stews dressed as Snakes to feed the hungry carnival goers. Also on hand will be staff from Abbrakaddybabra, who will dress up as leprechauns and hand out free curly green sandwiches to passers by. To ensure the publics health, Manky Framsey's have promised to close for the day.
In addition to all of this, community organisations in the Creggan and Bogside areas are hosting a number of workshops in the run up to the big day.
Concepta Feminista told Pure Derry, "We will be continuing with our bin-lid banging classes for beginners and also plan to do an all-female cast interpretation on the battle of the Bogside with a Latino salsa-dancing theme. This should also coincide nicely with our protest rallies around the city, speaking out against the little known sexist St Patrick."
Smiley McFalsey, Festival’s Officer with Derry City Council said: “We are delighted with the response we have received from the public and have had expressions of interest from groups from all over the city who are hoping to take part."
It is believed that the 'Painted Kerbstone' theatre group will send 12 masquerades and a fraud officer to the Asylum Road social security office to show people how 'doing the double' works and how to avoid getting caught.
"Everyone is encouraged to attend" McFalsey continued. "After all, do you really think people like me can afford this nice orange tan on £4.75 an hour!!"
Pure Derry has been asked by the organisers to encourage as many people as possible to come along and support the event, which starts at 1.00 pm with the annual 'how many drunk teens can fit on Derry's walls at the same time' competition. Local off-licences are promising to do their part this year yet again, and serve as many under age drinkers as possible.
“We want this to be a record year." said Mc Falsey
Drunk participants are asked to make their way to the bastions on the city walls to assemble for the Carnival which gets underway at 2.00 pm. Please note that because of time restrictions, vomiting and urinating is restricted to Walterloo place only.
There will be non stop entertainment continuing through until 5.30 am featuring, ‘People Dressed up in Silly hats and Celtic scarves’, ‘The Seriously Drunk Street Drinkers’, ‘Bemused onlookers’ and not forgetting the ‘Q1.0.Poo Roadshow’.
The council have asked revellers on the night to leave early to avoid disappointment.
Sinn Fein Appalled By Campaigners 'Membership' Conviction
Sinn Fein issued their disgust today when the high court ruled that 5 of their members, apprehended in a campaign van for South Dublin TD Aengus Ó Snodaigh were members of the Orange Order.
Found by Gardai in the back of the white van with a vast array of suspicious materials, the five defendants denied all claims that they were members of the loyalist institution, despite the incriminating haul recovered by search teams. According to the gardai 12 bowler hats, 8 sashes, 9 banners and at least 2 portraits of the queen were recovered from the van at a routine checkpoint near Rathmines garda station.
Forensics experts have hinted towards evidence that suggests the van previously contained drums and flutes as well.
The discovery was met with shock and revulsion among Southern investigators. Garda spokesman Pronsias De Mhadagh spoke to Pure Derry, expressing his deep concern at the case. "It's disappointing to see Sinn Fein so clearly tolerating hypocrisy and disingenuity within their own ranks. The party's frank denials of their supporters' membership of the Orange Order in the face of such blatant evidence massively undermines their credibility and raises pertinent questions about how much they can be trusted."
"I suppose the real casualty here is their voters. No doubt, there are unionist supporters the length and breadth of the province who are delighted to see Sinn Fein members being outed as members of the Orange Order. It plays right into their agenda."
Sinn Fein are still standing by their original statement, that none of their supporters were in any way linked to the grand orange lodge, either directly or indirectly.
"What we see here," said Martin McGuinness from Fitzroy's Cafe on Wednesday, "is a clear attempt to sabotage the peace process by trying to portray Sinn Fein as something other than a transparent and respectable party. It sickens me to see the secureacrats defaming our mandate."
When asked whether or not he had ever been a member of the Orange Order, the Sinn Fein education representative refused to comment.
Police are investigating whether the royalist streak witnessed among the five detained Sinn Fein campaigners bore any connection to the £26 million worth of royal portraits which were stolen from Northern Bank in December.
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Other Headlines
175 job losses at Adria will put Strabane into a “1950’s like recession” claims Sinn Fein spokesman Ivan Barr. “I agree” says local UUP Colr. Gordon Bleu during a rare show of political unity. “It will set us back at least 10 years”
Shock as local fresh food supplier appears in court accused of overcharging restaurants for water cress. “We shouldn’t be paying any more than £3 for a carton” said one disgruntled customer. “It’s a disgrace” added a Sinn Fein spokesperson.
Irish heritage campaigners delighted as city street vendors begin selling small bundles of old fashioned fresh shamrocks for £2.50. “Tiocfaidh Ar La” said a Sinn Fein spokesperson.
Belfast St Patrick day parade sensationally bans the use of green in an attempt to offer a neutral and more inclusive celebration. In a similar move, Translink Metro Limited begin legal proceedings against Belfast's Gay community for their offensive use of the colour pink.
Shock as research scientists at Derry's Magee university, using the latest in Atlas technology, discover that Glasgow is infact in completely different country. Seacat services across the River Lagan to the Belfast borough of 'Parkhead' in crisis.
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