Pure Derry

THE SHOW MUST GO ON....'NO'

In a show of Pan-Unionist strength, the likes of which have not been seen since everyone chipped in to send Gregory Campbell to Specsavers, unionist politicians last week unanimously voted ‘NO’ to bringing ‘The Jerry Springer : The Opera’ to the Waterfront Hall.

Thousands of Belfast’s middle class are said to be distraught at the news, sparking an influx of bookings at several wanky restaurants around the city in an attempt to console themselves.

During a scene of shockingly uncharacteristic negativity, both DUP and UUP councillors deemed the event unsuitable for Ulster audiences. The sickening production, which is reported to have dangerously high levels of creativity, humour and comedy, was blasted by all sides of unionism. Its graphic content, disturbing images and shockingly gloomy dialogue are thought to be at the heart of their decision to cancel the show.

Spokesmen for both UTV News and BBC N.I. Newsline were unfortunately unavailable for comment on how this worrying political mindset will affect them.

The DUP were reluctant to comment on the affair, insisting that they had the best interests of the people at heart. “La la la laddy da - dum didi, dum didi, dum dum dum” answered Peter Robinson, as he held his hands firmly over his ears when questioned about their reasoning. “dum de dum dum de dum dum dum” he added while stomping his feet and looking towards the ceiling.

Sinn Fein slammed the remarks as “unhelpful” and “totally unfounded”.

David Trimble, who was out tying up swings at the local park when Pure Derry caught up with him, was however willing to speak.

“It’s a disgrace what passes for entertainment the days” he said. “They just take any old worn out idea, throw a pile of money at it and get in a bunch of talent-less script writers. Before you know it, its plastered all over the television and people think it’s great. Well I don’t!!! It’s the most horribly unfunny thing I have ever seen in my life!”

“…..and that jerry Springer show is shite too!” he said as he finished ranting about the Hole in the Wall gang.

One opportunistic business man in Derry however is preparing to capitalise on the decision. Local playwright, Stagefright Harkin, plans to stage an alternative ‘Trisha : The Pantomine’ in Derry’s own Millenium Theatre, with local megastar Laura Doherty lined-up to play the eccentric chat-show queen.

“Sounds like a load of crap to me” said local housewife Dandruff Mc Cormac. “If I want to see good drama I’ll go round to our Teresa’s house with a bottle of vodka”

PROPERTY MARKET COMES TO THE CRUNCH

The property market in Derry reached new levels of hysteria last night when it emerged that a moderately sized card board box was sold for over £60,000 in Creggan.

The transaction took place on the premises of well known Creggan retailer, Mr Johnny Hard Baps, at his esteemed breeze block dependant immobile mobile shop, situated in the 'heights' area of the estate. Local housewife Mrs Dympna Splitends, inadvertently began the frenzy, when she requested the handover of a single cardboard box from the renowned Derry retailer (famous for his ever present stock of sarcastically fresh baked goods).

Mr Hard Baps, being one of Derry’s finest business negotiators, was prepared to provide Ms Splitends with the box, provided she agreed to purchase and re-house the four packets of ‘Tayto Cheese & Onion’ still inhabiting its confines.

The transaction was almost finalised, when well known local Estate Agent, Mr 'Bonnie Crook', (who had until then been parked outside counting his money and respectfully minding everyone else’s business) entered the premises and sought to negotiate the sale on behalf of the store.

Mr Crook informed Mr Baps that the box he was negotiating to sell, was in fact, a valuable piece of residential property. Explaining that the tangible features of such a box – cramped conditions, intense cold, susceptible to damp, paper thin walls and large hole punched in the door – Mr Crook showed how it more than satisfied the local authorities criteria for living accommodation in Derry.

In an unprecedented sales pitch therefore, Mr Crook pointed out that the box represented an ideal opportunity for first time buyers to get a foot on the property ladder. "Many homeless people would kill or maybe even work for such an extravagant home” said Mr Crook.

“Or indeed people living in the Lecky Road for that matter" he added.

When the bidding for the property commenced, scenes of havoc not witnessed since the allocation of free E.E.C steak and butter ensued. A frantic auction was soon under way, and when bidding concluded, a young first time buyer, Mr Ringpull McCafferty, was delighted to have secured his first home at a bargain price of £60,000.

"I almost made the mistake of buying a 3 bedroom house in Cornshell Fields for £70,000 last week” he said “But I am delighted to get a bargain on a superior piece of property such as this."

Mr Crook, having collected his £2000 fee for estate agent services, and in a final act of kindness which would have made Mother Teresa proud, offered to assist young Ringpull Mc Cafferty in obtaining £60,000 worth of crippling debt (popularly referred to as a ‘mortgage’) in exchange for only £500 administration fee.

“I can’t wait to get moved in. Me and the missus were already down in Budget DIY looking at some daddo rail.”

“Its gonna be one classy gaff” he added.

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