Pure Derry

BISHOP OF DERRY ADMITS 'THEFT'

The Bishop of Derry, Dr Shamed Heretic, was this week forced to make a public apology to the literally dozens of Derry citizens who still actually go to mass. In a ‘shocking’ (Copyright © Derry Journal 2005) omission on BBC’s SpotTripe program, Dr Heretic admitted that around 3% of the cash collected from the Derry public during mass services, was being channelled into the Stewardship Trust. The trust, which was setup in 1996 when the church of Ireland realised that they would have to start paying for sex, is estimated to receive £200,000 per year from the Derry diocese.

Joe Average, an unemployed former factory worker from Creggan Heights was furious at the news. “I canny believe that they are taking money from the man on the street to pay for the damage caused by their own employee’s. Surely they must have a few pound of their own to spend on this sorta thing! If not, then they should start cutting back on some of the luxuries.”

He continued. “Some of them priests have expensive tastes yee know. While us plebs were getting cardboard circles at communion last week, Father Brennan was polishing off a bottle of Moet ’72 and half a sun-dried tomato rustic french baguette. That’s hardly fair!”

God, who famously invested wisely in lucrative property holdings around the world in his youth, wasn’t available for comment on the affair. It has now been over 2000 years since his last public appearance, fuelling rumours that he may not actually give a fuck anymore. Michael Parkinson is working hard behind the scenes however, trying to secure an exclusive interview with the elusive omnipotent, and feels confident that he may lure him out of hiding.

“It would be really great to interview God” he said. “............again!”

Further controversy embroiled the local community, when SDLP leader Mark Durkan was supposed to attend the cathedral to gauge public opinion on behalf of his mandate. Police were called to Durkan’s family home on the night in question, to resolve a domestic dispute which erupted when his wife discovered he had not in-fact been present. A police statement obtained from Durkan that night, reveals that the political leader instead spent the afternoon smoking Regal king-size in Brooke Park, later bringing home a parish bulletin in an attempt to mask his trail.

“I’m really sorry” said Durkan in a public statement shouted through his letter box the next morning. “But I spent all day yesterday listening to John Hume preaching to me, and I just couldn’t face it”

In Rome, Pope John Paul II, upon hearing of the scandal, choked on his Manhattan Cocktail in sheer shock. The pontiff was immediately rushed to hospital for an emergency tracheotomy.

Dr Heretic expressed his sorrow at the whole affair and promised say 3 Hail Mary’s and 5 Our Father’s as penance. All is forgiven.

VATICAN TO SEARCH FOR NEW 'STAR'

After recent reports about the ill-health of the current pope, the Vatican council, consisting of 120 Cardinal electors, have begun the task of preparing for the election of a new pontiff. In an effort to modernise the Catholic Church however, radical new selection processes were put forward, with one in particular seemingly the likely format in the event of John Paul II's death or retirement (though we have been unable to work out what the difference is),

In a statement released today Archbishop Leonardo Sandri has confirmed that he has been in talks with Pop Idol creators Simon Fuller and Simon Cowell to create a televised selection process called 'Pope Idol' that would be aired on major television networks all over the world. Speaking about the new series Simon Fuller told Billboard magazine that the show could help increase dwindling interest in the Catholic church as well as electing a new pontiff.

"My intention is to create a show that will not only elect a new pope but will also help boost the popularity of the Catholic church worldwide. We'll work the global voting system out so that it is fair and transparent." he said.

“Or in other words, whoever gets the most sympathy votes for being fat, talentless or ugly.”

The new show will involve weekly hour-long broadcasts, where the religious 'contestants' from around the world, will compete against each other in a singing contest which will include Gregorian Chanting, Hymn Singing, Gospel, and Christian Rock categories among others. They will be required to sing in at least 15 horrible languages including Latin, Gaelic, Klingon and Visual Basic.

Sources close to pop ‘sensation’ Michelle Mc Manus insist that her recent appearances at church are a mere coincidence and not related to this breaking news. However a spokesman for the Scottish crooner, now working as sofa upholstery model, admitted she has been considering a life in the cloth for sometime already.

Derry megastar and former Pop Idol near-miss Laura Doherty, is also said to be considering a life in the church, but has voiced her concern that she wouldn’t want to be seen as being in the shadow of Michelle Mc Manus.

At the time of going to press, Purederry received thousands of similar complaints from residents of Glasgow and surrounding areas, who sympathised with Laura, saying that they “know how she feels!”.

Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls said that some of the money raised would be used to reimburse the people of the diocese of Derry in Ireland after potential 'Pope Idol' contender Bishop Shamed Heretic "ripped them off without their knowledge”.

The Bishop was unavailable for comment as he is currently on a three-week vacation to Las Vegas where it is understood that he is receiving professional singing lessons as well as enjoying the craps at Ceasar's Palace. The holiday is said to have been paid for out of the controversial Stewardship Trust Fund.

A spokesperson at Bishop Heretic's parochial house in Derry said "He might be a sly devious bastard but he has a quare voice on him hi."

Rumours of a “Pope Idol Kids” follow up program were quickly dismissed by Vatican officials.

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