Pure Derry

LOVE RULES SUPREME

In a landmark case at the High Court in Belfast this week, a Derry mother and typical house-wife, successfully sued her son’s girlfriend for defamation of character. Mrs Attracta Shytems 36, from the Bogside area of the town won her case after it was stipulated by her Barrister, Ms Mercedes Kabreolay, that Mrs Shytems had been unfairly misrepresented by her son’s ex girlfriend.

The defendant, Ms Oestrogen Doherty 17, from the Creggan area of Derry, was brought before the High Court on the charge of blathering in a public place to the detriment of another individual.

The council representing the Plaintiff stated, that whilst on a lovely night out at the popular Derry restaurant, Manky Framseys, Ms Doherty was overheard, spouting the phrase “sure I know you better than your own mother does” to the plaintiffs son, Mr Barry Shytems 18.

The comment was unfortunately overheard by a nosey bitch, Mrs Assumpta Gawdsake, who made the issue her business without being asked. Mrs Gawdsake, of the Carnhill Estate, 6.3 miles north-west of the Shytems’ Bogside residence, rushed home and immediately contacted social services in Belfast, who subsequently paid an emergency visit to the Shytems residence on the following Thursday fortnight and fast tracked the case to the to the high court.

Mrs Shytems stood in the dock and told the court, that she had suffered a nervous breakdown and had to go on DLA, again. “I definitely can’t work now can I, your grace” she said “not after all this craic, my nerves are in strips, your Lord”

The defendant (Oestrogen Doherty) was asked to take the stand, but this was delayed after she fell off her platform shoes six times on the way to the stand, laddered her good tights and was mortified in front of the public gallery. The court was adjourned at 2.15pm whilst Ms Doherty changed her entire outfit, done her hair again and plastered on more make-up. The court returned at 4.22pm.

After swearing at the bible twice by mistake, Ms Doherty claimed not to have thought too much about what she was saying before she blabbed the insult in question on that fateful night.

“I only wanted Barry to buy me a £1.50 rose off the wee Romanian vendor from ‘Immigrantaflora’ standing outside. When he refused and started checking his hair again in the window I got wile angry” said the defendant.

Lord Justice Fardy Bellecks, told Ms Doherty, that she, nor any other Derry girl, was likely to know Mr Barry Shytems better than his own mother and awarded damages to the Plaintiff, for the misery of having to leave the house for one afternoon in court and for missing the ‘Des and Mel’ show.

Justice Bellecks, ordered Ms Doherty to reconcile with Mr Shytems, and told the defendant to make payments of 2 weeks lottery ticket money ( including Thuderball), four scratch cards of Mrs Shytems choosing, and added that a grandchild to the Shytems family must be conceived within a 12 month period.

Ms Doherty agreed to the terms stating that she will never open her big bake again, and that she would be able to provide a new baby Shytem within 6 months not 12. She said “Aye, that’s Gran hi”.

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