Pure Derry

SUPPORT GROUP SEEKS GROUP SUPPORT

Purederry can exclusively reveal today, that Derry City Council are considering a motion by a local woman’s rights campaigner, which will change the way independent support groups will operate in the North-west. The proposal suggests the setting up of an all inclusive umbrella organisation, which will fight on the behalf of the hundreds of ridiculously named groups throughout the city.

Thelma Louise, chief campaigner for the proposed umbrella group F.U.C.-D.A.T (Foyle Umbrella Coalition of Dreadful Acronym Titles) is adamant that such an organisation could galvanise the work of the cities many independent do-gooder groups, and secure long term funding for their causes.

“I’ve been harping for years about these problems to anyone who would listen” said Louise as she stuffed several leaflets into our hands. “Although the people I speak to mostly make ridiculous excuses to get away from me or stare blankly into space hoping I will go away and stop talking, there have occasionally been people who have shown great concern for our cause!”

“Just today in fact, I just spoke to a lovely shaven headed fella up outside the Richmond centre who was very interested in what I had to say. I definitely won him over with the points I made and think he may show up for our next meeting.”

“Fair enough I had to buy a wee book off him before I left, but I figured it was a small price to pay for gaining a new member to our cause”

These feelings are echoed by fellow campaigner Agnus O Hairclips, who feels the setting up of an umbrella group would really benefit the smaller organisations struggling to be heard.

“Our wee group was setup almost five years ago, by a crowd of us girls who were doing late shifts down at the city factory. The generator kept going out you see, leaving us all sitting in a murky room with no lights. Yee couldn’t see your hand in front of your face never mind work.”

“In the end, all we could do was sit around smoking Berkley super-kings and talking shite all day. It was a terribly stressful time!”

“Anyway” she continued. “We looked into the price of getting an electrician out to fix the generator, but those fellas are wile rip off merchants and we didn’t trust them. So instead we setup our own support group called ‘Coping with Darkness’. We haven’t looked back since!”

Several other groups around the city are set to fall under the umbrella coalition should it get the go ahead. These are believed to include the missing dole cheque campaigners - S.P.O.N.G.E (Single Parents Opening No Giro Envelopes), female activist organisation - W.A.V.E (Women Against Violent Eejits), toddlers group - P.A.I.N (Parents Against Irritating Nappies) and female health and beauty safety activists - N.I.G.H.T.S (Northwest Institution for Good Hair Tongs & Straighters).

The Derry Journal and Derry News however are both said to be furious at the news. Sources close to the editorial staff at the papers have expressed concern that the creation of this single organisation will drastically decrease the amount of horribly depressing photo opportunities in the North West. “If this comes about we’ll be in trouble” said Matt Mullan of the Derry News. “We’ll just have to hope that something as equally newsworthy surfaces.”

“Who knows” he lamented. “Maybe people will start donating cheques to the Foyle Hospice or something.”

“Those pictures always whip the readers into a frenzy”

IRA VIE'S FOR PUBLIC ATTENTION

The IRA have issued a flurry of further statements to confirm their stance in the wake of their apparent withdrawal from the peace process last Wednesday and the subsequent damp squib of media attention they felt their words received.

Receiving something of a lukewarm reaction, their original warning was followed immediately the next day with a second, stronger statement, laying down an implicit warning to NI politicos and secureocrats not to 'underestimate' the seriousness of the situation, but was again met with something of a low key reception.

A flurry of further statements were then issued through An Phoblacht to get across their true meaning. Statement three warned "Naw, seriously, like, don't underestimate us, we are snappin". Statement four, delivered 2 hours later in pictorial form, showed an IRA man shaking his fist towards the camera in what Secretary of state Paul Murphy has described as "a mildly threatening manner". The statement was later updated to show the balaclava clad man shaking both fists, receiving no comment in the press however.

An hour later it would be statement five hitting the headlines as the IRA declared the current situation was "scarier than when you're in a friend's house at a party and you do a shit and it won't flush away". Speaking from a meeting in Downing Street, David Trimble acknolwledged that this was possibly "some kind of sign of a minor blip in the peace process".

It was the joint sixth and seventh statements delivered 20 minutes later that really attempted got the attention of the public however, as IRA skywriters flew over Hillsborough and Stormont in a daring display to inscribe in coloured-cloud form the words, "BOOO!!!" and "GAAAAAARGH!!!" respectively. Walkers-by are described to have found it "slightly un-nerving" but not very interesting.

On Sunday the IRA tried their most audacious attempt yet to attract attention, by hiring the artist formerly known as Prince to perform a specially written song, "We will kill you all shortly", from Derry's guildhall square. The song consisted of 4 minutes of republican sloganeering and point by point breaking down of their achievements duing the peace process and then 15 minutes of machine gun fire to the tune of Purple Rain. Only Prince's mother showed up however, and she is reported to have regarded it as "a bit lame".

The IRA have said they do not intend to stop trying to put across their message until they believe it has been fully understood by the public, and have only hinted at this week's itinerary for releases, although a 50 foot day-glo Easter Lily is reported to be under construction in the West Belfast docklands.

"I'm not going to give anything away," said one IRA insider about this week's statement, "but i'll just say that if you're planning to see the Moscow State Circus, Mamma Mia or Westlife this week, their performers may well be otherwise engaged"

Added the insider, "We would advise all epileptic citizens to stay away".

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