Pure Derry

Playhouse in secret DIY PLAN B

Pure Derry has today learned that the management of Derry's Playhouse theatre, have secretly brokered a deal which will ensure that the facility will still undergo rennovations should their bid to win the NI leg of BBC RESTORATION be a failure.

BBC program 'Changing Rooms' has been in contact about the possibility of a series special, which will see management of the Rialto swap places with Playhouse staff, to redesign the interiors of their rivals theatres in the event that the Restoration bid fails. Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen was recently overheard at a gay mullet convention talking about the project, telling friends that he was especially looking forward to relaxing between filming at Derrys world famous Pepes niteclub.

Budget DIY were strangley silent on the reports, but did appear to have unusually high stocks of lime green paint, daddo rail and laminate floors. Mr Textiles in quayside also appeared to be stocking for the event, ordering 13 pallets of beige linen, 6 boxes of silver spray paint and a whole carton of Celtic FC stencils.

Jimmy Saville, seen here promoting the BBC restoration bid, was in town again this week to promote his new line of tracksuits and gold jewelry during an autograph siging at Gino's in Shipquay Street. When we talked to him he maintained that the Playhouse was still in with a good chance of winning the bid, but we left before he could finish his sentence, knowing he would inevitbly make a crap joke about "fixing it" and make us want to shove his cigar up his arse sideways.

Pram Centre hits out at new law.

Derry's world famous 'Pram Centre' could face possible bankruptcy when a new government ruling is passed which will totally change the laws governing pram driving.

Under the proposed law, prams would be classified by the DVLNI as a Class C vehicle, thus requiring to be operated by a qualified 16+ year old with a valid license. It is estimated that 87.64% of Derry’s pram owners will become ineligible to pilot the vehicles, unless otherwise accompanied by an adult.

As news of the law emerged late last night, Pram Centre shares dropped 18 points on Derrys DOOTSIE index and the MOT centre braced itself for the fallout. A spokeswoman for the Derry Mothers Association said “Hundreds of our members would have been out protesting last night, but it was past our bed times”.

The fathers of all the children agreed to interviews with Pure Derry, but at the time of going to press both of them did a runner. Attempts to locate them ended without success when we discovered that the North West Snooker club was closed for renovations.

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