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WE’RE NO NAZI’S!
Unionist politicians today jumped to attention, when Irish president Mary Mc Aleese claimed that Northern Ireland protestants were “like Nazi’s”.
“Its just ridiculous” said Heinrich McGovern of the local educational committee Combat 17 Plus 1. “To insinuate that we teach our kids to hate catholics is reckless. When are people going to realise that protestant parents are exactly the same as their catholic counterparts?”
“That’s right. We don’t teach them anything! We just fuck them out into the street and let them learn about the world from even thicker kids then themselves. Why else would they develop the daft notion that shite football teams playing in one of the worst leagues in the world were cool to support? It’s hardly something they learnt from their da!”
Mc Aleese’s comments also came in for widespread condemnation from many of the local unionists, including city dentist Helmut Simpson. “That the president of Ireland should come out with such crap is unbelievable. The oul tart should be shot, or better still, gassed! Isn’t that right Maximillian?” he said as he beckoned his assistant.
“No Max, just walk the normal way again for now. You can show me your erm, ‘can-can impression’ later sure. In-fact, never-mind” he said shutting the door quickly.
“So, can I interest you in one of our new cyanide fillings then or what?” he added.
Dark Murky of the SDLP was very vocal about the incident, but tried in vein to defend the president nonetheless. “Sure she was only having a bit of craic with the wains. She could just as easily have told them that Pakis like to eat babies or whatever. It was only an example to prove her point.”
When asked if politicians should be more sensitive in-light of the fact that so many people were now remembering the holocaust, Murky said “Sorry, the what?”
“You know, the holocaust, as in Schindler’s List” reminded Purederry.
“Ow right, holocausts!” replied Murky. “No I never got any of them ones. They must have been in the Frosties.”
“But I did collect all the Star Wars ones from inside the Sugar Puffs” he said "Luke Skywalker turned into Darth Vader when you tilted it the right way. Them things were class!"
BRING BACK INTERNMENT
Massive job lay offs at DIY superstores Budget DIY and B&Q are expected to be announced today, as the pressures of trading in a new peaceful society take their toll. “Ever since that fella Seamus Doherty got released from prison we have been struggling like hell” complained Noel Backscratcher of Budget DIY. “Our paint department sales have dropped 500% since that dreadful day. We used to shift mountains of that cheap white vinyl silk, but it seems no-one is interested in it anymore for some reason!”
Pete Moss of B&Q echoed these concerns, claiming that more would need to be done to ensure secure employment in branches all over NI. “Lets face it.” he said. “The golden days of internment were great for everyone. Kids in the bogside had something creative and constructive to do with their days. Tourists were flocking to numerous gable walls across the city to marvel at our rich heritage and poor spelling mistakes. Local paint businesses across the town were thriving and jobs were in abundance. The repercussions of this will be enormous.”
Indeed the shockwaves are already being felt at several other businesses around the town. Padraig Bomberjacket, Charman of the Bogside Hopelessly Shite Graffiti Initiative and author of classic Derry graffiti such as “Ian Paisley is a smelly bum” and “Don’t shoot me I’m a brit” phoned Purederry just as we went to press.
“What are we supposed to paint on the shutters of the credit union now eh? This peace process malarkey is a con! Even our Mickey down the cleansing department is loosing his job over the head of it. Sure what’s he supposed to clean up now? We too had to let several staff go. The signs are not looking good for the future” he said.
“Well in fairness our signs never looked that good in the past either, but yee know whadda mean lik!
News of the recent arrest of Martin "Ducksie' Doherty for failing to give evidence at the Bloody Sunday brought a small glimmer of hope to the many unfortunate businesses and persons caught up in this dreadful saga. Pete Moss of B&Q added “We might be able to offer a few part time contracts on a temporary basis if that one works out, but it’s hardly enough. The sooner we get back to proper internment the better as far as I’m concerned!”
“Who knows though we might get lucky and get a few dirty protests out of him. Repainting a cell numerous times could be quite lucrative!”
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Other Headlines
Magee area residents blame late nite havok on cheap drink at the Students Union. "Its totally ludicrous" said Bar Manager - John Sourbake. "We've been ripping students off with full bar prices for years! It's hardly our fault"
Local woman quits while ahead after winning £10 on a National Lottery scratch card. "I just used my winnings in the pound shop to accessorize my entire living room. My gambling days are over!" she says with glee.
Local disabled people call for action on dull toilet signage. "The men and womens bogs always get cool wee circle symbols with arrows and crosses. All we get is some bert in a wheelchair, it's just not fair"
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