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Latest News
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IRA ACCUSED OF PLAYING GAMES
Chief Constable Huge Ordeal has again refused to say why he believed the IRA was involved in the December 20th robbery of the Northern Bank in Donegal Square West. He believed that any revelations might compromise the ongoing police investigation. House searches were carried out in North and West Belfast. However, no arrests have been made at the time of going to press. The IRA has denied any involvement.
Mr. Ordeal said Northern Bank executives "Intend to withdraw all their banknotes from circulation and to reissue them in a new color and style."
At another press conference, held later that day, the IRA said through Sinn Fein Deputy Head Honcho Martin McGuinness "Aye right! What would we want with £26.5 million pounds? Sure we have a new money making scheme – board-games!"
When asked to elaborate on the statement, the spokesperson using the code name P O’Neill said "We will shortly be bringing out a new board game called ‘Provopoly' based on the British Imperialist ideals of Capitalism espoused in 'Monopoly'. It has been changed to suit the situation in the occupied six counties.
It has four new playing pieces, the armalite, the money bag, the black taxi, and just for the laugh, a bowler hat. The aim of the game is to visit each of the squares on the board and extort...sorry 'seek donations' from the owner of the square you land on. One player will take the role of 'banker' and will periodically leave the room to go to a nearby forest from which they will walk back barefoot whilst their families are released without physical harm being done to them and are only left mental scars. The game is supplied with a variety of worthless notes to be used during game-play."
Sinn Fein have allowed Purderry readers a exclusive sneak preview of the new game, which can be VIEWED HERE.
ATM FRAUD SHOCK HITS DERRY
As reported in the Londonderry News Journal last week, criminal activities have been uncovered in the North West, which utilise modern technology to steal money from unsuspecting ATM users all across the city.
One local ATM customer who phoned our offices said “I have just been the victim 'daylight robbery'. It’s a fucking joke I tell you. I can’t believe they are getting away with it. The Cops are so busy trying to catch the boys that skanked a few quid off the Northern Bank that the real criminals are getting away right under their noses. I get a £42 direct payment every week and some bastard just stole some of it without me being able to do anything about it.”
After much unsuccessful digging in the murky underground of local criminal activity to uncover the identity of the masterminds, we gave up and turned to the yellow pages instead. A receptionist at one gang’s criminal headquarters directed us to the Godfather of her well known national and regional crime family, known simply as “The Manager.” We demanded some answers.
He said “It is perfectly legal for banks to take as much money off their customers as they want. These machines are very high maintenance you know. We have to keep putting money into them every half an hour, it’s not an easy job, but someone has got to do it.”
When asked to explain the morality of charges for other essential banking services such as standing orders, reminder letters and changing bags of loose coinage, he declined to answer. He did though offer to send us a full written explanation of their charging policy in return for covering the £12.50 admin expenses.
It has been reported that other citizens have begun taking inspiration from The Manager's schemes. Jampuppy Dinnercake, a barman from Lisfannon has himself attributed his new charging policies to the direct influence of the nefarious mastermind.
"In my pub, we used to charge you £1.90 for your pint of Guinness and leave you alone to drink what you'd paid for," says Dinnercake.
"However, with reluctance, we soon came to realise that the mounting costs of things like lighting, seating, air conditioning, tv, electricity and heating necessitated us being more realistic with our pricing policies. We only want to provide for our customers, but we don't want to be out of pocket doing our charitable service. From now on, our customers will pay £2 to earn their pint, but each time they 'access' it, we spoon a little bit of that drink out of their glass to cover our own costs."
Says Dinnercake, "We will be open to running promotions which will see us using smaller spoons in the future, so we hope that our customers realise we're not only being reasonable but actually rather generous with our new scheme."
When contacted the PSNI simply said they would look into it and that as a result they would be carrying out house to house searches at Culmore Point, Victoria Park and Gleneagles in an effort to flush out the culprits.
Dectective Chief Inspector Albert Hussey said,"When found the miscreants will be questioned and no blame will be apportioned and no further evidence will subsequently be forthcoming from the Chief Constable or anybody else. After all these people are upstanding members of middle class society". The Secretary of State, Paul Murphy, will also be kept fully informed of developments.
One local man who wished to remain anonymous said “I’m sick of my Bru money being creamed off by these crooks. I’m changing over to a post office account first thing on Monday morning”
“At least they don’t steal from the public or employ notoriously shifty common thieves”
TOTALLY POST OFF
Just as Purederry went to press today, news surfaced on the local vine of grapes, of a post scandal gripping the local community. It has emerged that two female postal workers are under investigation, following the discovery of several thousand undelivered letters in their own homes.
Postman Pat - now retired and living in the flat above Ten Glenn’s shed in Greendale – is said to be distraught at the scandal, which has brought such disrepute to his beloved profession. “In my day post men were honest hard working men who brought unsanitary household pets to work with them and carried a single white handkerchief for wiping sweat from their brow.” Said Pat. “We might have had our faults and possessed massively over sized chubby fingers, but at least they weren’t sticky! These modern post men and women bring disgrace to the uniform”
Granny Tillsdale, proprietor of the Greendale post office agrees. “This is a mess that even Ted Glenn’s trusty spanner would have trouble fixing” she said as she wondered why licking the back of new fangled self adhesive stamps caused them not to stick anymore. “And Ted’s spanner has fixed everything in this town, even record players which don’t have any nuts or bolts!”
Closer to home, the solicitors representing the ladies had seemingly got their wires crossed regarding the reason why thousands of Derry homes were deprived of family Christmas cards, cash gifts, vital benefit payments and much needed children’s milk tokens.
Defending his client, local Barrister M.T. Inkwell said that the ladies were involved in running an unofficial fan club for local celebrity Nadine Coyle. “The girls had setup a fan club for musical sensation Nadine a few weeks ago, and were surprised at how fast the letters of reply started rolling in. It’s all an honest mistake though. They simply assumed that any brightly coloured envelopes or those marked ‘On Her Majesty’s Service’ were intended for the great lady herself and so gathered it up on her behalf. Sure anyone could have made that mistake. There’s no harm done.”
These claims though are in stark contrast to the omission by his legal counterpart Trevor Hubcaps QC, who claimed that his client was the victim of an honest case of debris contamination. “My client had put on a bit of weight in the run up to Christmas having purchased the entire back catalogue of ‘Sex in the City’ with complimentary 10 Litre tub of Hagen Daas and sitting on her arse for a month talking on the phone. She therefore was unfortunately unable to detect the large sack of mail that had lodged itself in the crack of her fat ass after her lunch break on December 22nd last year. It turned up in her laundry basket just last week, stuck to the inside of her best trousers with chewing gum.”
“She is absolutely horrified!” he concluded “Those were her favourite pair and she has had terrible bother getting the stain out”
IN SHOPS NOW
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Other Headlines
Man walking down Shipquay St so intimidated by the advances of the man from Oxfam and the man from Worldvision that he runs away. Later spends all his change in pub.
Confusion Abounds
A Derry driver was apprehended by the Garda in Donegal whilst travelling at 80mph in an 80kph zone. When cautioned the defendant said,
"Whaddiya on about. Everybody else on the road was drunk. I was only speeding".
Post Christmas Crisis Loans At All Time High.
Derrys DSS office has made an impassioned plea to Stormont Minister Angela Smith after they ran out of money for Crisis Loans last week. DSS Manager Uel B Skint said," We are clean out of money and the Credit Union are all tapped out as well".
Derry Twinned With Fallujah.
Uproar in Iraq. Muhammed Al-Zarqawi tops himself live on Al-Jazerra television upon hearing the news.
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