Pure Derry

PSNI IN IRA BLAME SHOCKER

In a much overdue press conference last Friday, which coincided nicely with murmurs questioning his ability to do the job, PSNI Chief Constable Huge Ordeal claimed that the IRA were responsible for the recent £26m robbery at the Northern Bank in Belfast.

“The IRA did it” Said Ordeal, as he elaborated on his stunning Agatha Christie worthy detective work.

The press conference, which started late due to 40 detectives being unable to remember where they put all the evidence, was also attended by a large contingent of DUP forensic scientists. “The IRA’s fingerprints are all over it” said DUP Investigator Ian Paisley Jnr. “Well in fairness we haven’t actually seen any of the evidence that they haven’t found yet, but I have watched every episode of CSI on Channel 5, and we are positive we can pin this on the IRA”

Ordeal continued “After much discussion with the bank about how to deal with this situation, we are confident that we can turn countless boxes of valuable paper into worthless scrap. However aside from ruining how people voted for the Good Friday Agreement with carelessly voiced opinions, we are also looking into a second plan to take all the bank notes out of circulation”

Reports that Constable Ordeal’s brilliant detective work would lead to a host of job offers from England were quickly dismissed by Scotland Yard. “His work practices might be considered sterling in Northern Ireland, but we wouldn’t accept it over here”

PROBLEMS DEVELOPING WITH DEVELOPMENT SAY DEVELOPERS

Thousands of old fashioned whinging Derry people who will be dead shortly anyway, were up in arms recently, as news of a proposed development at the former Tillie and Henderson site emerged to the Derry press core. The shocking plans, which include not having a fuck ugly pile of rubble at the entrance to the city anymore, were revealed in a computer generated impression of the site, and showed a bright white shiny building, where there used to be a fuck ugly pile of rubble.

“It was bad enough that they burned down such a horrible looking building which represented the good old days of sweat shop labour conditions in a bygone era, but now they are adding insult to injury by announcing that they plan to bring lots of well paid jobs to the city too! What a disgrace” said local lady Martha Apronstrings.

The hundreds of pigeons who have been homeless since the factory was destroyed were delighted at the announcement though, having spent almost 18 months living rough on the streets and begging for scraps of foods at Waterloo Place. Feathers Mc Cafferty, a 3rd generation homing pigeon was overjoyed at the news, and took some time out of his busy schedule of shiteing all over people to talk to purederry. “Tillies was our home so it was, and we were gutted when it burnt down. We always warned poor Squawk about smoking them fag butts in bed, but he never listened, God bless his soul. We have really been down and out since then, and having been living rough on the streets and occasionally taking shelter in run down old buildings like the Richmond Centre. Its been getting that bad that we were even considering taking a house up in Ballymac, but hopefully this new development will provide shelter for us.”

The new building, which will cost somewhere in the region of £26m to finish and be a fully licensed hotel, will also contain a complete entertainment complex which will open its doors to the Derry public. Plans in the pipeline include a 12 screen cinema showing nothing but soap operas, an 8 lane mini-moto speedway, 2 bookies, a Celtic shop and a 5 storey Wettersponges bar.

Dr Ramadamadama Mc Glinchey who owns the development said “We had some supply problems in getting the proper authentic materials from the era when Derry women were working for fuck all making shirts for rich cunts in America while they were in poverty, so admittedly the new design doesn’t have the same feeling of heritage. We have however struck a deal with NASA for new building materials, and if all goes to plan, the new building should be dropped in directly from outer space”

When quizzed again on the Heritage issue Mr Glinchy responded “Look I know how much the shirt industry meant to Derry, but on the other hand look at how badly everyone took it when they all relocated to Asia to exploit developing economies and take advantage of child labour. You wouldn’t even have thought anyone lost their jobs, such was the concern for the poor kiddies!”

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