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PUREDERRY WILL RETURN SOON......
Purederry will return to your screens with a new beezer edition next week on Monday 10th January. We are taking some time off to recouperate after the mayhem of the festive season and do some of that horrible "studying" stuff. We would like to take this opportunity to wish all our readers a Happy New Year. We promise to return in 2005 with even more outrageous rubbish which Mark Patterson won't like.
The Purederry Team
XMAS SONGS OUT OF TOUCH
'Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer' is "insensitive" and "sets a bad example to children". These are the findings of an investigation carried out by an independent government watchdog, tasked with taking everything too seriously and removing the fun value from anything that hasn't already been spoilt.
Mr John Turndull of the National Organisation for Frightfully Unsuitable Narrative, told Purederry that 'Rudolph' and indeed many other Christmas songs, were setting a bad example to young children all over the world.
"Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is a shockingly inappropriate tale of prejudice, discrimination and elitism" said Turndull. "As we all know, none of the reindeer would accept Rudolph for who he was, but instead, used to laugh and call him names based on his disability. They refused to allow him into their inner circle, and as such, wouldn't let him join in any reindeer games. This xenophobic and cruel depiction of Santa's reindeers is a shockingly gruesome and inappropriate story to tell young susceptible children"
Mr Turndull continued "Admittedly Rudolph was eventually accepted into the group after proving his worth and becoming “cool”, but as we know from our previous studies of other heinous works such as “Pretty in Pink” and “Teen Wolf”, this acceptance comes at a price. I mean, lets look at the facts. He only became a valued member of the group when Santa and the other Reindeer NEEDED something from him. They realised that Rudolph, with his nose so bright, was the perfect candidate to pull the sleigh that foggy night, and so offered him the hand of friendship. But they didn’t want his friendship! They were obviously just using him! Where was Santa when Rudolph was isolated and rejected? Where was Santa when he had no one to play with and needed the love and support of an adult? Are these the horribly material and selfish values we want to instil into our children? I think not!”
Mr Turndull’s list of inappropriate songs will be published in a report which will soon be submitted for discussion in the House of Commons. The outcome of this could see many Christmas songs be altered or re-recorded to suit the proposed guidelines. Although this report is still top secret, Mr Turndull did offer Purederry an ‘exclusive’ insight into some of the songs put forward for alteration.
‘Rocking Around the Christmas Tree’, the 1948 classic by Johnny Marks, promotes unsafe behaviour in modern day society according to Turndull, due to the dangers to epileptic seizure from the lights, the common hotchpotch of poor electrical wiring and the tendency in modern homes to purchase cheap laminate shiny flooring. Turnbull suggestions include changing the title to ‘Standing Beside The Christmas Tree….With Your Eyes Closed……In Appropriate Rubber Soled Footwear’ and pushing the tree safely into a corner.
‘I Saw Mammy Kissing Santa Claus’, the 1952 song by Tommie Connor, encourages
the notion that adultery is OK, and gives children false hope that Santa may some day move into their house to become their ‘new daddy’ and lavish them with gifts everyday. According to Turndull this song should be completely banned from the airwaves, along with other similar titles such as ‘Why Is The Easter Bunny Humping My Mummy’ and 'The Tooth Fairy Took More Than My Teeth Last Night'.
He concluded. "This has gone on for long enough, and something has to be done. How the hell can we expect children to understand that the highly complex underlying social issues which persist in many of these songs are just a bit of fun?”
Some record labels have already begun taking pre-emptive action, by recording alternative versions of some Christmas songs. One such song, Bing Crosby's “White Christmas”, was re-recorded by Derry crooner Fergal Sharkey in a secret session in London’s Abbey Road Studios last week. So poor was the version though, that the producers opted instead for superior set of alternative Bing Crosby vocals, which were obtained in a Los Angeles recording studio, shortly after digging him up.
DERRY GUIDE TO LAST MINUTE SHOPPING
Last minute shopping is a fixture in everyone’s Christmas. Some people are forgetful and have omitted a few essential items from their list in all the festive panic, others are preoccupied with important business such as providing essential care to a sick relative, whilst most sadly are just men. This checklist should provide you with everything you need to know about last minute shopping in the Maiden City.
Good Luck Shoppers!
1 . Forget your mobile phone at home.
Being able to contact people to ask important questions about preferences in gifts is over-rated. Make sure you forget your mobile phone at home, so you will be stranded in the town with no means of contacting anyone easily. If this is not possible, then ensure that either your battery is flat, or you have no credit. For those of you with contract phones…..no wait it’s Derry. Nevermind.
2. Don’t bring any gloves.
Having warm hands whilst walking about in sub-zero temperatures is a pleasure that you will not have time for. An essential aspect of any last minute shopping trip involves being so cold that you will go into a nearby shop to warm your purple hands and end up buying buy over-priced crap from a charming fat man with a moustache who reminds you of the cuddly uncle you always wanted. If you do bring gloves, don’t panic. Just remember to not remember to take them off whilst at the phone box trying to fiddle with 10p's to call the house after you realise you forgot your mobile phone. This should really frustrate you and even things out nicely.
3. Buy all the heaviest stuff first
Planning of any kind is not an option. Ensure that you buy all the heaviest items first without any regard for the rest of your shopping activities. Wrestling flatpack furniture from Argos around the town while you pick up other smaller items from packed shops will really add to the occasion. If you have followed step 2 correctly and forgot your gloves, you should be able to properly enjoy not only the cold, but that wonderful feeling of stretched polyurethane cutting into your hands like cheese wire.
4. Overlook the fact that your bank card has a daily limit.
If you have done everything properly until now, then well done. Now you should also be thinking of arriving into town just after the banks have shut so you won’t have the chance to make a withdrawal over the counter. The need to do this won’t be apparent at first, so make sure you pick out a list of items which equal considerably more than the daily £250 limit that your bank card allows. This will enable you to panic like fuck whilst realising its 4.51pm and that you have no mobile phone to ask your Ma for a lend. Benefits of this approach can either be leaving people out of your present buying, or a general economic downscaling for all parties. Either way, you will now be able to enjoy going to the toilet at the family Christmas party while everyone calls you a cheap bastard.
5. Don’t think about how you will get home
Now that your shopping is done and you are ready to come home, don’t dwell too long on the fact that you never organised a lift before you left the house. Derry has many slow moving taxi queues, each of which will have a large queue of freezing people holding flat pack furniture. Be prepared to get very annoyed at the slow progress, and to throw the head and walk off round the corner to the next taxi rank. This will set you up nicely for the return journey 5 minutes later, when you realise the queue you were at wasn’t that bad afterall, and that the person who was behind you is now at the front. All of this will be worth it when you get home at 6.45pm however, because now you can tell your mammy how “black” the town is today, how shite Christmas is, and how you cant wait for it all to be over. Everyone can now complain together as a family, in peace, love and harmony.
Merry Christmas
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