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PAISLEY DENIES "DEAD" RUMOURS
"I'm perfectly alive" says pale, motionless organ-sack.
Derrys press corp were on hand last Monday to hear the Democratic Unionist chief, the Reverend Ian Paisley, deny persistent rumours about his health. Which are mostly based on the fact that he is actually dead. DUP Deputy Supremo Peter Robinson was also in attendance to assist in the press conference. Craning his ear to Paisley's unmoving mouth and interpreting the "whispers" of the orange septuagenarian.
"He's not dead." Robinson explained, helpfully, to the throng of expectant hacks, "He's just shy that’s all".
In a word for word and blow by blow account Purederry.com can exclusively reveal the tenor of the meeting for the first time. Mr. Robinson continued , "What's that Pappa Doc? You want me to scotch these rumours of your being dead that have been put about by the pan Nationalist front and their fellow travellers in Dublin ? Certainly."
The gathered members of the fourth estate eagerly transcribed every whispered murmur from the “great one” as they were proxically related to them for well over half an hour. Other pronouncements delivered via Mr. Robinson included "No Surrender", "Down with Sinn Fein/IRA", "Good God you're right, Mr. Robinson, my ear has just fallen off" and "Yes, I really am still alive."
"Just awful shy".
At that point in the proceedings, the Reverend Paisley was hurriedly packed into what Robinson referred to as his "sleeping bag" and trailed through the conference hall and placed in his newly bought "No Surrender Wagon.” He was then wheeled through the lobby very quickly, amid confused cries from the audience of "Where are you going?" and "That's a wheelie bin.". The great leader was then hastily driven away in the DUP's party bus.
In a characterstic desire to prove events through photographs, fresh photos have also surfaced, via his Press Officer Alderman Gregory Campbell, proving “once and for all” that the greasy haired defender of the Union is still very much alive and enjoying what are reported to be “recent pursuits”.
"Here you can see the Reverend Paisley enjoying a lie down," intoned Alderman Campbell on presenting the new photos to Purederry.com. "Lying down is a favourite pastime for anyone with as packed a schedule as a Free Presbyterian Moderator and party leader has. Here’s one of him sleeping and here’s one of him posing for a waxwork model of himself. Here you can see him sitting on Geoffrey Donaldsons knee practicing ventriloquism. It’s an old hobby of his."
''Aye and here's one of him taken last week when he dressed up like his younger self. I notice he's reading a paper dated from the 60s. He likes to do that a lot, very nostalgic man. The old cars in the background ? Oh. He was in Armagh when that one was taken."
Convincing as all the evidence was, Purederry.com was nonetheless somewhat perplexed by a photo, purportedly taken last week, which appears to show the euro-sceptic former MEP meeting the Queen Mother. Who died 3 years ago. "That's not the Queen Mother," explained Donaldson, mopping sweat from his brow. "That's, ahem, a woman who looks a lot like the Queen Mother and Doctor Paisley had always been a keen admirer of her Britannic Majesty, so he decided to have his photo taken with her. The Royal getup she's wearing is just an astonishing coincidence, as is his meeting that Princess Anne lookalike that very same day.”
Sinn Fein pin up, Mitchel McLaughlin, was unavailable for comment but sources close to the Derry born ladies man said he did whisper into Gerry Adams' ear, at an earlier meeting of the local Cummann. Our source told us that McLaughlin “strongly doubted the DUP story” and that he would have, “staunchly heckled the good Reverend if he had he not been indulging in some lying down at the time himself.”
Reports that Rev Paisley had spoken personally with President Bush surfaced in the aftermath of the recent talks breakdown, and were immediately investigated by Purederry in a late call to the Whitehouse. Speaking directly to Purederry Mr Bush said “Yeah I definitely spoke to someone called Rev Paisley. He said he had a sore throat though, and so he quickly passed me over to one of his colleagues, some alderman, name of Donaldson, or McDonaldson or McDonalds or something”
He continued ”I gotta tell ya though, that put me in the mood for a burger"
DERRY VAN WINS X-FACTOR
Proud Derry Ice Cream Van driver, Willie Whippy, today displayed his winning ice cream van for the assembled press, after the van (whose stage name is Nelly), won the latest edition of the X-Factor.
Nelly chose a rendition of "Pop-Eye the Sailor Man" for her accompanied piece for last Saturday's show and finished with a rousing instrumental of "The A-Team” theme tune to win the hearts and minds of the audience both in the studio and all over the U.K.
Louis Walsh was said to be delighted that such a great Irish talent has once again done well in another fabulously credible talent competition, even suggesting that Nelly could go on to emulate the success of other Irish superstar, Mickey Joe Harte. “Nelly was brilliant up there, I couldn’t take my eyes off the performance. Except of course when I was blinking and twitching like a crack whore. I hope the wife set the VCR actually, I’ll have to watch it later.”
Sharon Osbourne, whilst obviously reeling from the defeat of her second placed protégé ‘Nokia 3210’, did wish Nelly all the best and admit it had been a great performance. Rumours romantically linking Nelly to daughter Kelly surfaced when the van was allegedly overhead trying to woo her with promises of a 99er with a Flake. This was dismissed by Nelly though, who said he hated the fat talentless bitch, and had actually told her “I’ll scream if you come near me”.
The Van has also won plaudits from credible music press for tackling social issues, reminding her fans to 'Mind That Child' just as Chris Martin reminds his to 'Make Trade Fair'.
New album leaks indicate long awaited 'Flintstones theme' project may come to fruition. Scooby Doo rumours still unconfirmed.
DERRY TO BE IRELANDS 'NEW AMSTERDAM'
Local socialist visionary Aimin' MaCan has today unveiled ambitious new plans for the city, which he claims can transform the city centre into a liberalist utopia in just a decade. Speaking to Purederry mostly through the tinny echo of an imported Dutch Lager can at his offices in the corner of Sandinos behind the poker machine, MaCan outlined proposals which he claim could make Derry into “Ireland’s answer to Amsterdam”.
Amsterdam's question is not yet known, but some suspect it to have been "Where's your cheapest airport?".
“Imagine a Derry” said MaCan, “where the liberated peoples of our great city could walk around our city centre and partake in free spirited intoxication. Imagine being able to visit the hallowed city walls and marvel at fantastic live sex shows taking place for all to see. We could walk through the streets in a carnival atmosphere, free to urinate where ever we please and discard empty and unneeded bottles and pint glasses back into the local environment using the natural power of bicep. It would be a marvellous step forward for our cultural diversity, not that we'll ever see it with those dedicated fascists in city council trying their best to make every street in Derry as pristine and surgically clean as the walls on a Saturday night. Have we come so far from the spirit of T-Shirt model and revolutionary, Che Guevara? He was always to be seen with a rifle in one hand and a frosty can of Dutch Gold in the other. I doubt the brownshirts of the council are caused by spillages of the Netherland's finest brown ale frostily sparkling upon opening".
Added MaCan, "I really like Dutch Gold".
After showing him a cure for hiccups MaCan continued, “I foresee a Derry, where our youth are free to experiment with and even sell Class A amphetamines and cannabis produce without the fear of oppression. Where they can walk the streets of our town without harassment by the local police service or callous intervention by the city council nazis. A city free from police patrols, with wonderful surprises lurking at every corner, and where our teenagers are never turned away from an open door!”
“It’s time to liberate our youth, not beat them down. The occasional smoke of a joint never did anyone any harm, and the sooner the government wakes up to this fact the better. In years to come, perhaps even the police in Derry might get stoned too”
"In fact not just the police, but paramedics and even fire fighters - wouldn't it be a fine day to see all of them getting stoned as they went about the day-to-day routine of saving our lives".
MaCan's visions was dismissed by Mayor Garage O'hArdon though, who, through heavy breathing ridiculed it as “Pure fantasy” in a passionate 6.30am phone call to Purederry from an undisclosed house in John St. “The notion that the good citizens of Derry could live, or even want to live in a society like the one MaCan is suggesting is ridiculous! We have got morals and responsibilities to the people of the Maiden City, and we intend to keep them intact. This is a god fearing, clean living Christian town, and that’s how we at the City Council conduct our business”
When asked however why he had been so prominent in the high-level negotiations to bring low-cost EasyJet flights direct from Eglinton to Amsterdam the line went dead….
ADVERTISMENT
COMING SOON TO CINEMAS
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Other Headlines
Agreement thought to be reached as IRA agree to photography of decommissioning. Paisley rumoured to demand all photography be photographed to ensure fairplay.
Peace deal stalls again as Paisley issues fresh demands for all decommissioning to be recorded for posterity in watercolours.
Bogside Artists agree to record all acts of decommissioning, though only in mural form. "They will have to decommission their weapons somewhere near a gable wall, though"
BBC offer Council alternative city centre camera infrastructure following CCTV 'switch off' threat. We might not necessarily be much help enforcing the law, but jesus it would be great to watch wouldn't it?"
JOHN Hume spends break in Lisnegalvin's big pool rhythmically swaying his arms at the deep end to simulate the oceanic effects of the broken wave-machine. "There were kiddies in the pool who were desperate for the thrill of the open seas, I just did what anyone else would have - even many hours after the machine had been fixed."
DOCUMENTARY filmmaker eats solely in Wheelers for 30 days. "On the one hand he's exposing just how unhealthy all our food is," reported Wheeler's spokesman about the stunt, "On the other hand he's the first customer we've had in ages."
IRAQ and IRAN natives suspected of leaving unfinished grafitti tags on buildings and toilet cubicles all over Derry.
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