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ANNUAL TELETHON A MASSIVE SUCCESS
The annual BBC Children In Need (CIN) appeal proved a massive success throughout the Derry area last Friday night.
A spokesperson for Children In Need, Gissal Thimoney, said, "The organisers of our annual telethon for needy children are pleased to confirm that Derry City and in particular the suburban areas of Ballymac, Creggan, Cornshell Fields, Lincoln Courts and the Brandywell made a significant contribution towards our worthy cause. These disadvantaged areas clubbed together their resources and managed to come up with 15,000!”
Ms Thimoney continued, “15,000 children were donated to us on Friday night and a large majority of them were very much in need of a wash, food, speech therapy and exorcism of incestuous inclinations.”
Speaking after the conclusion of marathon event Radio Foyle Station Manager, Anna Mascara, told Purederry.com, “Of that number 14,999 of the children spoke in the typical local vernacular. There were utterances such as 'yer ma' 'yer ma's nags' and a plethora of other derogatory and filthy language. All of which were learned at an early age. Indeed some knew these words and hadn’t even learned to walk.”
Ms. Mascara explained, "On receipt of the final child BBC broadcaster Pat Markerson concluded that the wee mite could not actually talk. However, on further examination by the rootenist, tootinist broadcaster cum surfboarder this side of the Sperrins it was revealed that the little urchin was inebriated having consumed his mothers entire evenings stash of Stella Artois. Indeed the child’s own father had told him that he was going to a big bash up at the BBC headquarters on the Northland Road were they would look after him. “
Pat Markerson said, “Who do these people think they are? Do they not know their place in society? Prince Charles is right. I have had enough of the great unwashed thinking that they can come into the corridors of broadcasting power and bask in our reflective glory. In fact when the child finally awoke he complained bitterly about the lack of free beer available to the plebs.”
The little boy, who cannot be named for legal reasons to protect the identity of his parents, said, “This is a sorry mess all degeller even the gippos out the Daisy Field look after their guests better than them miserable sods up at Radio Foyle”
A spokesman for the umbrella organisation Save Our Suburbs (SOS,) 'Soupy Campbell said he was “delighted with the figures”. He continued “We were pleased to hit the 15,000 mark. It would have been more but we had difficulty finding half the wains that were up da town. Our collection did however provide us with somewhat of a moral dilemma. It was wile tough handing half a them wee wains in. I mean it broke my heart. Half a them have wains on the way themselves and now those unborn we mites will never be able to experience the pleasure of growing up without a father. What with all the do gooders from the Culmore Road looking to help out."
Gissall Thimoney said, “The Ballymagroarty area was perhaps the most generous in terms of donations received. The children were queuing up to pledge their lives away. We were all touched by their generosity. They were practically fighting with each other to get on the bus and many were arguing over who was the most in need.” Ms Thimoney concluded by saying, “We will expect a similar donation next year and for many years to come”
In a separate story Purederry.com has learned that there was a violent altercation inside the General Post Office on Monday morning. A fifteen year old single mother of four had to be forcibly ejected and taken away in handcuffs when she discovered that she no longer qualified for child benefit. The young mum, Filis O’Flaherty, said, “Them feckers at Children In Need are a bunch of gangsters. I gave them all my wains and they repay me by taking away my child benefit. It’s that last donation I make.”
However, Station Manager, Anna Mascara, was at pains to point out, “Whilst we gratefully accept all donations and pledges it is not our responsibility to oversee payments to young unemployed single parents. We just don’t care. In fact all of our staff had to take Monday off work as they were still suffering from the after effects of the big shindig we threw for ourselves and our mates at the license payers expense. We did the girl a favour. Now she can go out and start a whole new family.”
IRA IN "KILLING PEOPLE IS WRONG" SHOCKER!
The Birmingham pub bombings were, "wrong and should not have happened". Sinn Fein has announced.
A party spokesman said last night that he'd woken up on Tuesday morning and realised it had been, "a bit lousy". Padraig O Neanderthal said,"We'll get onto the blower to the IRA as soon as possible and let them know that we've worked this out. I can't believe we didn't realise sooner! ".
The statement came just before the 30th anniversary of the two bombings which indiscriminately killed 21 people and injured nearly 200 in the Mulberry Bush and the Tavern In The Town pubs in November 1974.
According to the PureDerry.com Ireland correspondent Shagme Daly the statement "Did not say in so many words that the IRA will apologise but I'm sure that's what they meant. And sure that'll be the end of that and all the relatives can finally rest easy".
The IRA has apologised in recent years for a number of murders it carried out in the 1970s. It only took them 20 years, but the general populace are glad they've finally seen the error of their ways. Mr. O'Neanderthal said, "Better late than never and all that even if the victims won't be around to hear it".
In October, the Republican organisation issued a "statement of regret" for killing an entirely innocent 15-year-old boy with the mental age of an eight year old in Belfast in 1973. Mr O'Neanderthal said on behalf of the erstwhile 'freedom fighters' said, "He looked much older. He could easily have got a carryout. Or into a nightclub even. Well he could have up in Derry at least."
Last year, the IRA apologised for the grief caused to the families of the nine so-called 'Disappeared' who were murdered and secretly buried on beaches and in bogs back in the 1970's. Unfortunately they couldn't give the whereabouts of all the bodies due to having had "a few too many pints of the blackstuff back then. Jaysus C company were wile men in them days."
In July 2002, the IRA apologised to all civilian victims of its campaign of violence. The apology was so well received that a number of the deceased even voted Sinn Fein that year.
Derry City Council Beat
PureDerry can exclusively reveal that Derry City Council is set to announce a new departure in their ongoing policy with regard to the media access to goings on at our very own Ministry of Fun. A highly placed source at the upper echelons of local political spin has told us that a special sitting of the local authorities “Voters Are Mugs” sub committee was held earlier this week.
At that meeting Councillors unanimously agreed to allow television camera crews “unlimited access” to the Guildhall Chambers and the hallowed corridors of power at their plush, well heated government subsidised, multi million pound offices on the Strand Road. Claire Fundanybody, Assistant Chief Head Consultant Marketing Guru with the Councils Bureau of Press Releases, Cruise Lines & Fireworks Displays, confirmed that the programme “Will be produced by a Belfast based television company who have promised that they have a high regard for the image of the city, it’s civic leaders and citizenry as a whole”.
Hillary Faulds-Wood a spokesperson for the independent Belfast based producers, Lots of Sterling Productions said, “We will be locating an entire outside broadcast unit comprising of forty ancillary staff and six separate camera crews in the city. The City Council Bureau for Cruise Lines and Fireworks (sic) or whatever they are called will subsidise their stay at the Four Star City Everglades Whitehorse Quality Court Hotel.”
It is anticipated that the production team will spend the next six months in the civic calendar covering the intricacies and machinations of the complicated world of planning applications, waste disposal and allocation of indoor football facilities for the towns’ forty-something’s. Ms Faulds-Wood said, ” It is a major undertaking for us and we expect that we will pick up a fairly hefty pay cheque from our Commissioning Editor at the BBC much in the same way we did when we made ‘Derry City Beat’. He didn’t care what we filmed then and we expect that it will be the same this time too”.
Ms Faulds-Wood continued “Our expectation is that life in the inner chambers of the local authority will not be much different from that which we found last year on the streets of the city on a Friday or Saturday night.. However unlike the “Derry City Beat” programme, where we followed the hapless and much put upon officers of the PSNI, the City Council fathers have given us unlimited editorial control. Whatever we shoot, no matter what it is, we can include in the final programme.”
Phyllis Mc Guinness, a spokesperson for the Mayors office, when asked if the Mayoral Cocktail Cabinet in the First Citizens' Guildhall Parlour would be opened in full view of the cameras, declined to comment when questioned in party head quarters at Chamberlaine Street. Local DUP Alderman and former Mayor Garfield Miller said she/he "Expects the programme to show just how hard we [the DUP] work every god given day to avoid contact with Sinn Fein/IRA and all their fellow travellers in the SDLP, the Catholic Church, the Ancient Order Of Hibernians, Opus Dei and Cursillo”.
Press releases were not forthcoming from both of the under resourced offices of the Ulster Unionist Party and the SDLP in the City although when their Belfast offices were contacted they, rather unsurprisingly, said they knew “nothing about the whole thing”.
PSNI Give Joy Riders "Fighting Chance".
By Lois Lame
A recent introduction of up to twelve trained cycle team PSNI officers into the Shantallow and Galliagh areas of the city has been met with derision from politicians and local residents. The “Pedal Power” officers will form part of a crack team which has been assembled by the local District Commander of N Division, Rafton McShillingtaker. The officers will be based at Strand Road PSNI station and are part of a new “Community Relations” initiative.
The move has been criticized by local Independent Republican MLA Barnsley McCrosskey who said, “This is yet another attempt by the PSNI at window dressing. We won’t be mastered by no Orange bastards and it doesn’t matter if they are on bicycles or in wheelchairs. In fact if they come into our area of control we will happily put them in wheelchairs on their way back out again. We want the local people who elect us to feel safe in their homes and the appearance of these B Specials on bikes will lead to a great deal of anxiety. We don’t want those boys finding out who is selling cheap fags outa their house an all.”
Commander McShillingtaker said, “In a bid to smoothly integrate police into these two traditionally nationalist strongholds officers have been provided with full training in public relations and wipe-clean fluorescent jackets. The local muckers and chavs won’t be able to claim they didn't see us in our highly visible uniforms and - well - have you ever tried to get egg stains out of ordinary clothing ? It’s a bugger, so it is.” Commander McShillingtaker continued, “Officer training has included advanced cycling proficiency and modules in puncture repair techniques.
One local resident, Philip McGenius from Galliagh Park said, ”Quite apart from anything else, if I have to hear one more shite 'cycle of violence' pun I'm going to string myself up from the washing line. It's a disgrace. And nobody even cracked a smile at my 'stickies' and 'spokies' graffiti.”
Constable Hilda Climb, who is co-ordinating the new initiative said, “People shouldn’t underestimate our officers. They can reach speeds of up to 40 miles per hour on those babies and we feel that the local joy riders will be seriously worried by this development. Once our men are weaned off the donuts and fags we expect those speeds to go up substantially.” Officer Climb denied claims that there are plans to upgrade the cycle team to MiniMotos after Christmas. “Sure don't they look stupid enough as it is ?” she said.
One local youth, who wanted to remain anonymous save to say that his nickname was Monkiedog, said, ”Yee canny tik lem seriously. If ley were on good bikes lik choppers or grifters ley mite git a bit of respek. But lem fings ler on are jist dootsy.”
SDLP Councillor and former Mayor Sean Ballicker was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press. He was earlier hospitalized after suffering an asthma attack brought on from laughing too much.
ADVERTISMENT
NEW BISCUIT LAUNCHED TODAY
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Other Headlines
Confusion in Thornhill as council launch new Xmas "Park & Ride" service. "Sure haven't them fellas who park outside Smiths been running that all year" said one.
Disgraceful sex shop denied licence by City Council. "Adults having sex in the privacy of their own homes, possibly with the lights on, is an outrage. We would much prefer old fashioned gang rapes in dark lanes where no-one can see"
Nerve Centre late licence slammed by Vintners. "We would rather that everyone poured onto the streets at 2am so we can get all the fights and rapes out of the way at once"
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