Pure Derry

DERRY RESIDENTS "UNSURE WHETHER WEST SIDE STORES EVER EXISTED" SAYS POLL

by Dirtbike Bradley

Citizens of Derry seem to be confused as to whether or not their town had a so-called "West Side Stores" in its recent past or ever at all according to a report by Bogside University.

"On the one hand" said interviewee Hammersmith McDaid, "I seem to remember there was a big supermarket there after Stewarts left. Or was it Crazy Prices? I don't remember exactly, but there was something there before Tesco anyway, and it was something to do with West Side, aye."

"On the other hand, however, the idea of a massive supermarket themed around the frontiers of America in the mid 1800s seems a bit insane." McDaid isn't alone in his confusion at the idea. Derry's city planners only discovered blueprints for the centre 4 years ago amid bewilderment and skepticism. "It says that it was here, definitely, for at least 2 or 3 years, maybe more around about 1995-97. But, were that true, surely more people would remember it, and more importantly question why in the name of massive cocks there was a supermarket which displayed a giant cowboy mascot called West Side Sam. Why would anyone have shopped there?"

The poll also highlights that residents have other ideas for what may have been there before Tesco. 19% of those asked suggested Harrods and 12% thought 'some kind of Rollerdisco'. With 43%, however, the overwhelming majority believed it to have housed the Ghostbusters HQ. "Aye, that ghostbusters place wasn't it?" inquired Mrs Pyjama Quigley of Creggan, "sure we used to be swamped with the auld ghosts, back in the day. Egon was a mucker of mine."

Added Quigley, "Cheeseburgers were only 20p then."

Cülmöre Über Alles?

Derry’s Business and Social Elite have embarked on a revolutionary final solution to the overbearing factor which threatens their cultural wellbeing: namely being forced to co-habit the town with hordes of Neanderthal, pig-ignorant, unsophisticated, not to mention violent, working-class scum. Local Captains of Industry have ordered a blitzkrieg bombing-raid on the border territory between the Promised Lands of these admired citizens, and the lawless brutish hinterland of the dreaded proletariat. The resulting trench between the affluent suburbs (spanning from Fort George to Culmore Point) and the surrounding wasteland of the damned will be linked to the Foyle Waterway. This will create a middle-class island paradise for Derry’s erudite sophisticates, safely removed from the foul untouchables of the town. This quest for Lebensraum was predated by the formation of Lumen Christi College in the City. In this scholastic establishment the base, unkempt lower-classes, the culturally bereft, and the intellectually subnormal are strictly profane, allowing the Wünderkinder of Culmore to thrive in an atmosphere of academic excellence and middle-class smugness.

Charley Mann, leader elect of the region’s Natural Socialite (Nazi) Party addressed his many supporters at a Monster-Rally in DaVinci’s car-park earlier this week. At this gathering (sponsored by BMW, The Daily Mail and a host of other symbolic bastions of middle-class affluence) he announced, “Our struggle is coming to an end! The superior Culmore bloodline shall not be tainted by the foul seed of the impure barbarians at the gate. Those animals don’t even listen to ‘Classic FM’, let alone drive a luxury German saloon!”

Other elitist factions have joined the quest for this formation of a Fourth Reich in Derry. Grand Imperial Wizard, Theodore O’Kelly of the ‘Knights of the K.K.K’ (Kulmore Kultüre Klan) has also voiced his support as Der Kulmorenacht draws near.

O’Kelly wistfully recalled a reverie of hope that has inspired many of his peers: “I have a dream: a dream in which the blue-eyed children of Culmore may read Nietzsche and Goethe aloud without fear of being accosted by ‘Mackers’, ‘Decks’, or some other street-urchin from Shantallow”. He continued, “After a generation of toiling, we may finally secure our personal Rheingold in the Nirvana that will be Culmoreland.”

O’Kelly’s organisation is rumoured to be behind several lynchings in lower-middle class areas adjacent to the Culmore Road. Large wooden effigies of the Mercedes logo have been sighted ablaze outside homes of the economically unable and the Noveau-Riche, as part of a campaign of Social-Cleansing. The Culmore Nazis have already detained scores of working-class wretches in a ‘Contemplation Camp’ by the banks of the Foyle. Detainees are systematically deprived of sleep and forced to ponder the errors of their uncultured ways. The more contrite have been promised freedom by Camp-Commandant Dirk McLaughlin once they have received vigorous training in basic elocution, dinner-party etiquette, and have completed a crash-course in the appreciation of Popular Italian Opera. Indeed, liberation after self-betterment is personally endorsed in the motto of the Camp: ‘Dirk Will Set You Free.’

Bert Blumphy, a Sociologist at Magee College has gone on record to question the mindset of many of the Culmore residents. He notes, “The Catholic middle-class have appeared to mimic their affluent Protestant peers into appropriating the social model of ‘Middle England’. The ‘Culmore Set’ has effortlessly perfected the superiority complex that permeates throughout such an ideology, in addition to the skewed logic that also runs rampant therein. Hence many seem to believe that possessing an expensive vehicle, a Nigel Kennedy box-set, and a wine-rack accords them the status of some kind of Master-Race!” “Nonsense” retorted Otto Von Bradley, Press Secretary for the Natural Socialite Party, when we reported these remarks. “Blumphy is a Communist and will be dealt with accordingly. We shall annex the remaining lands of Culmore, and secure our place in the sun at last. At the very least it’ll keep those bastards from Pennyburn out of DaVinci’s at the weekends!”

Rumours of a formation of an Anchlüss between the Culmore Set and the Übermenschen of the Waterside could not be confirmed as this article went to press.

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