Pure Derry

DERRY TO RECIEVE SUBSTANCIAL INVESTMENT BOOST

The British government yesterday announced that it will be pledging over £250 million towards the improvement of services in Northern Ireland’s towns and cities as part of the continuing "peace dividend".

Mr Don Conningme from the Department of Finance, Personnel and Misappropriation of Government Resources said, “We will be splitting the money evenly between Belfast and Derry more or less kinda”. Our aim is to apply some of the standard financial forecasts commonly used in Northern Ireland in the past to determine the amounts each City Council will get for the improvement of its services and infrastructure in the future". Mr Conningme said "It’s a complicated financial computation with many environmental factors and geographical variables taken into consideration to reach a decision, including the proximity to Belfast International Airport, the number of capital B’s in the city name, the number of available Citybus services and the amount of general agreement for a single city name. Allied to that there will be other socio-economic and demographic factors such as how many Unionist voters live in the immediate hinterland and how many republicans we might be able to please with handouts for gym's, fleadh's and artistic and cultural workshops”

Derry City Council were last night said to be "very pleased" with their projected allocation of £2,157 and a special sub-committee has been set up to decide which community groups should receive assistance. It is believed that the money will be allocated under the auspices of the City Council's Recreation and Leisure Department headed by Jim Anderson. A Council spoksman said, " The mandrins in Belfast have given us all this money and Jim Anderson is an expert at allocating such large sums of cash. We are hopeful that this major financial injection will help groups such as the Ballymac Mothers and Toddlers Group to survive above the breadline having faced closure only last year shortly after Jim's arrival. We are already holding serious discussions about how best to use this new cash injection".

The Mayor of Derry and former Officer Commanding, Geroid O' Hemeroid (known as Jearsey O'Hara on his birth certificate) said, “We are giving the matter due consideration and feel it may be in the interests of the city to open a new Heritage Centre. Derry currently only has four heritage centres and we are badly in need of another one because the others are always packed at weekends. Except for Sundays. They are closed on that particular day to remain in keeping with the fifty year old former Londonderry Corporation policy of closing civic amenities on the Lords Day.

A spoksperson for the Department of Finance, Personnel and Misapropriation of Government Resources said, " This is a way for Central Government to show that it is serious about improving life for the people of Londonderry/Derry. A lot of money has been wasted collecting bins, sweeping streets and providing swimming pools. Community groups will benefit as never before as a result of the release of the latest tranche of expenditure. The city fathers and mothers have systematically failed to spend their allocation wisely in the past and we would expect that this money will provide them with another opportunity to show the electorate just what they are capable of ".

The first allocation of grant aid is expected to start early next week or whenever the first applications are recieved from groups sympathetic to either extreme Republicanism or extreme Loyalism. The stormont spokesperson refused to be drawn when asked if such financial rewards were an attempt by Government to buy off extremists on both sides of the political divide.

When asked for his opinions on the development of a new Heritage Center in Derry, Major O' Hemeroid said “I think its a great idea, its time to stop looking to the past and begin looking to the future”

SOCIALIST WORKERS REPORT

BY : T.ROTSKY. OUR MAN ON THE FRONTLINE WITH A COPY OF MILITANT AND A SANDINISTA T-SHIRT

Comrades. It is time that we stood together against the Zionist hordes who threaten our very future existence. They, and their Western allies including the Great Satan ( AKA the USA ) have been responsible for a multitude of crimes against humanity including creating thousands of well paid jobs in this city of ours over many years.

These jobs are unethical despite the fact that they have saved hundreds of families from a fate worse than death, ie, the Dole. We say unequivocally to Raytheon, Du Pont and Seagate - take your weapons of mass destruction and your manufacturing plants back to the USA where they belong Yankees and stop poisoning us while yer at it.

Your computer guidance systems, your Kevlar and your hard disk drives are an affront to Allah and we join with our righteous brothers in Palestine and Iraq who are resisting the relentless western war machine, especially Abdul Chophead Al Fatwah , Defender of the Faith.

The Socialist, Gay, Black, Lesbian, Workers Alliance hereby declares its total opposition to everything these Multinational, Capitalist, Zionist, Running Dogs stand for and we urge all right thinking people to join us in Sandinos immediately for a pint of Budweiser and the chance to pretend to be an activist whilst admiring Jims Rocket on the roof. I thank you.

( Fuck ye cant even get any decent hash since the yanks invaded Afghanistan . )

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