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POLICE ATTACK INNOCENT DERRY YOUTHS FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER
The SDLP and Sinn Fein last night launched stinging attacks on the PSNI, following their recent use of CS gas against the innocent and friendly revellers of Waterloo Street. Police arrived into the area on Friday night shortly after 2am, after an altercation was reported outside the swanky and illustrious Wicked Bar involving two young males. “It was nothing serious” said Master Harpo Mc Laughlin Esquire, one of the men involved in the original incident. “Myself and my good colleague, the polite and affable Reginald Jonty Meehan III, were just heatedly debating who would pay for the nights refreshments for ourselves and our lady companions. Obviously I was adamant that I should cover the expenses after having such a lovely evening, but Reginald is a stubborn old boy too, so he was very insistent also. We created quite the storm in the tea cup, but we didn’t think that it merited the intervention of officers of the law”
The incident soon spiralled out of control however, as a fight broke out between the two men just as the police arrived. On trying to break up the fight, the police officers found themselves under attack from a large group of boys who are normally so quiet and friendly according to their mammy’s. “Some of our officers were under extreme danger at this point” Said Hugh Dunnit of the PSNI. “So the decision was made to take control of the crowd using CS spray.”
The PSNI are now taking heavy criticism from local nationalist politicians with nothing better to do, who slammed them for using what they described as “an unnecessary level of brute force”. This was rebutted by Officer Dunnit though who said “We have had some financial problems as reported in your paper last week, and this has called for us to ration our reserves of CS spray. Some officers have therefore been equipped with alternative aerosols, but none of them were using Brut force, it was mostly Lynx and Insignia”
Officer Dunnit continued “We have considerable experience in dealing with incidents of this nature, where a group of 20 – 30 young men get hot under the collar after a night of consuming alcohol. It’s what’s known among officers as the ‘24 Row’er Drinks Effect’. Their force is quote potent and not to be sniffed at, we consider these anti-perspirant demonstrators to be quite dangerous.”
Maisie Mc Cauley, a Derry mother of 4 spoke to ‘PureDerry’ at her shock, anger, dismay, bewilderment, horror, terror, distress and lots of other words that she read in ‘The Journal’ about her sons admittance to Altnagalvin following the incident. “He was in a wile state when he got home. His face was all swollen up and he could hardly see where he was going. It was just like any other Friday night come to think of it, but he did smell lovely. I knew something was wrong when I looked outside and seen a crowd of girls had followed him home.”
Altnagalvin was very short staffed at the time of the incident however, with a lack of ambulance cover meaning many of the injured had to take taxis to the waterside. Reports that a Derry Taxi managed to get to through the waterside with its windscreen intact initially emerged but were later dismissed. “That’s just ludicrous” said Ronan Battle of the Kilfennan Volunteer Force. “We definitely got all of them!”.
Sinn Fein’s Tony Hasson was outraged at the shocking antics of the PSNI, claiming that there was too much CS gas used in Derry in comparison with anywhere else in the North West. “I would understand it if the town was overrun by drunken underage scallies who are intent on starting fights with innocent passers-by, but given the angelic innocence and good nature of the youth who frequent our city centre I think it’s a disgrace” Mr Hasson continued “Apart from this, the harmful effects of CS gas on the environment are well known”
“We are therefore calling on all Derry citizens to stop dumping old fridges down the back of Galliagh as its really affecting the Ozone layer.”
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