Pure Derry

PSNI IN CASH CRISIS

The PSNI are suffering from a serious cash crisis it was revealed last night, which is badly affecting the infrastructure of the security services in Northern Ireland. Various reasons are being cited by government for the problems, but a source close to ‘PureDerry’ has revealed that a major factor in the cash shortage, is the ongoing spiralling costs of repairing damaged armoured landrovers which have endured heavy attacks on the streets of Derry.

“The armour on these vehicles was only designed for protecting our officers against minimal forces such as rocket propelled grenades and high velocity firearms.” said Constable Philip Screwdriver of the PSNI Dull Grey Vehicles Division. “We never really anticipated the deadly destructive force that is caused by pint bottles of Harp or bricks, especially when thrown by the terrifyingly accurate and menacing youths of Derry. Our vehicles just cannot stand up to these forces, and its costing us a fortune in repairs and trauma counselling. Our officers live in constant fear that the next pint bottle of Harp could be the deadly killer, or even worse, that it could be from Jackie Mullans.”

Such is the drain on the PSNI budget that the PSNI Chief Constable Hugh Orde has had to cut over 800 part-time reserve officers in order to free up much needed resources. Media reports at the time, which suggested that officers were unhappy at the dismissals were quashed by ex reserve officer Carrie Mace who claimed nothing could be further from the truth. “We are actually pretty relieved to be dismissed to be honest. Ever since our foreign training and orientation at the Bosnian Police Academy everyone talked about the frightening and fearsome combatants on the streets of Derry, the tales were just blood curdling. We all lived in fear of being posted there, so deep down we are very glad to be allowed to go back to our lives. I can now return to the safety of Portadown and open up the Irish Dancing School I have always dreamed about”

Emergency meetings were thought to be underway last night, as the PSNI top brass sought to develop new sources of funding. Ideas believed to be on the table include the erection of an AK47 target practice gallery at the Strand Road barracks, the selling off of the vast stocks of unused plastic bullets as novelty dildos, renting out their uniforms for Halloween, moderating the PureDerry forum and the installation of Joker Poker machines into detention cells.

“The real loser will be the public” Said Constable Screwdriver, “The high standard of driving about the town doing fuck all that they have become used to will be under threat if these cutbacks continue”

Latest News