Pure Derry

PIMP MY BUS

Derry’s public transport users awoke to a Halloween surprise today, as Translink unveiled amazing new plans to revitalise its flagging Ulsterbus Foyle service by refurbishing the fleet to meet what they call, “current market trends”.

Pure Derry has uncovered their ambitious new plans to “makeover” the fleet in a variety of novelty concepts. It is expected that the new buses will start service shortly after Halloween, and include a wide range of fun themes including a Fire Truck, a Barbie Jeep, a Police Landrover, an NYPD paddy wagon, a Panzer Tank and a SWAT personnel carrier.

“It was clear from our market research that these changes were vital to remain in touch with the Derry clientele.” said Translink supremo Richard Dunwalken. “Aside from the obvious fun factor of the new fleet, the new changes will also be practical in many ways. No longer, thanks to the armour plated design of many of our new buses, will we have to disrupt service to Curryneirn, Galliagh and Strathfoyle.”

“The pink goddess bus turned out to be the easiest design” continued Mr Dunwalken. “We briefly considered bringing in a top team of consultants to truly convey the feminine and ultra gay image that we so wanted, but in the end, we just decided to borrow a Metro bus from Belfast.”

Parents were initially critical of the changes for overlooking the needs and wants of school kids. However WELB chief Marian Boyle quickly put their mind at ease, by revealing that even school buses will be getting a makeover too. “Our entire old fleet of buses be totally replaced by an armada of new exciting ones!” she exclaimed “I don’t want to give too much away, but suffice to say we have a Brazilian samba bus, a Yellow Submarine, The Daffodil Express, and, in keeping in touch with the music loving kids of today, we have even themed a bus after one of Coldplay’s most famous songs!”

“But I will have to leave you guessing on that, it’s all very top secret” she added

Not everyone has welcomed the news however, with a few dozen passengers contacting PureDerry to tell us that they would “rather throw themselves off the bridge” than use such tacky forms of transportation.

Translink chiefs admitted they were disappointed at the reaction of a small minority, but were keen to point out that they did have several Waterside bus services available going in the direction of the bridge at very reasonable £1.00 single fare.

More to follow...

CITY COSTUME CHAOS

Pure Derry has learnt that Derry is facing a major costume catastrophe within the next few days, with rabid locals bleeding the clothing racks dry as we speak. The tribulations arose when several clothing alterations shops citywide decided to close their doors to new business, due an excessive demand on their services.

“A Stitch in time doesn’t really save nine” said Mary O’Cotton from one Waterloo Street outlet. “Infact, such we’re so busy these days, its probably gonna cost you a tenner extra” she cackled as she overlocked a pair of dangly cotton ballbags onto a moose outfit.

Many people in the city are now believed to be looking towards more conventional types of costumes, and there have been reports that some charity shops have had their entire stock stripped bare in the build up to Halloween.

“It’s a disgrace” said Fenderstrap McCorduroy, a local musican and Bound For Boston regular. “Me and my mates have been to every charity shop in town and we can’t get a single bloody thing to wear.”

When asked what he was going to do about Halloween now he replied “Eh? Halloween? What are you on about that for?”

Desperate shoppers citywide have however been given hope of late, with the opening of several hundred “seasonal” Halloween shops” in every abandoned retail unit, unused doorway, manky alley way and large wheelie bin from Shipquay Street to the Strand road. Stocking a wide range of 4 types of vacuum packed costumes, numerous varieties of 5 rubber masks and several black bins full of crap plastic accessories which cost a fortune and are destined to be confiscated by doormen 3 minutes after you get out of a taxi, these shops have promised to make sure no one goes without.

Traditionalists have poured scorn on these shops though, and the panic for home made costumes is causing chaos citywide. Uniformed city workers such as street sweepers, binmen and bus drivers are being shadowed by security guards to protect them from gangs of youths intent on half-inching their clobber.

In a later rethink though, police later assigned a further detail of plain clothes officers to protect the security guards, who were getting nervous about dodgy looks from tracksuited youths carrying measuring tapes, tailors pins and packets of wonder web.

Shortly before going to press, there were unconfirmed reports that 2 alcoholics were stripped and robbed of their clothes in the John Street area. Police are trying to trace the owner of a pair of size 9 timberland boots and a John Rocha jacket which were discarded at the scene.

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